"Choosing the View From the Bridge: The Observing Self & the Experiencing Self"

“Choosing the View From the Bridge”

With the recent record warmth in Wisconsin we took advantage of the weather and went for a long hike last Saturday. One of the highlights of our walk was pausing on an old wooden bridge to watch the water flowing under our feet. Observing silently for an extended time, we noticed how often our view changed. We saw many different sizes and shapes of sticks floating by, along with various sizes and shapes of dried leaves. Occasionally, a piece of recently freed ice drifted into view as well. And between the multiple objects floating by, there were long stretches of crystal clear water.

Our experience reminded us of a concept we often teach people who are having trouble with experiencing anxious thoughts. And who among us doesn't struggle with anxious thoughts at times?

We teach that it is helpful to think of each of us having an "experiencing self" and an "observing self." When we experience anxious thoughts, as the phrase "experience anxious thoughts" makes evident, our experiencing self is having those thoughts and feelings. When we pause and notice that we have been having many worried thoughts, it is our observing self that is doing the noticing. Other examples might be when we see that we have been irritable and overly reactive. Or when we notice that we have been eating poorly when stressed. Or when we notice that we go shopping to take our mind off things troubling us. That is our observing self doing the noticing.

Returning to the scene of our watching the flow of the stream on our recent hike, that was our observing selves standing on the bridge and watching what went by. We were merely observing what was happening in front of us.

The flow of the stream can be compared to our experiencing selves, literally experiencing the flow of our thoughts and feelings and all that comes with that. Sometimes, there is lots of debris floating by; other times, the water is crystal clear.

Just as a person has no control over what floats by in the stream, we often have little control over what floats through our minds at any given time, nor what feelings come along. What we do have control over is our capacity to get up on the bridge, and to access our observing self. This is particularly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. If we can let ourselves adopt the perspective that these things will naturally float on by with time, and we needn't be swept along by them, we will feel in better control.

Here are some real-life examples of how this can help. A parent is exasperated by their teen and about to lose control. Instead of losing control, they realize that they need to call a time-out and tell their teen that they need to go for a walk to calm down. They can resume their conversation later. The parent has used their observing self to notice their experiencing self becoming overwhelmed. They then made an excellent call to calm the river of their emotions before continuing the conversation. The observing self helped the experiencing self gain perspective and calm down.

Imagine receiving an email or text message that irritates you. Your experiencing self may want to send an angry reply immediately. Fortunately, you can intentionally climb up on the bridge. Then you can have your observing self help you to make the decision to respond in a few hours, or even the next day, when you are not so emotionally flooded. Responding from your observing self will undoubtedly be much more productive.

Some practices we can use to strengthen our observing self include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or talking to a therapist. Strengthening our ability to step out of the river of thoughts and feelings and onto the bridge of the observing self is a sure way to enhance our personal wellness and the wellbeing of our relationships.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Balance As a Verb"

"Balance As a Verb"

The two of us recently had the opportunity to be guest presenters at classes on wellness coaching at the University of Wisconsin, here in the state capitol of Madison, where we live. We are honored to be working with the university to develop a student peer wellness coaching program that is partially based on the resources we have created.

One of the things we enjoyed discussing with the students last week was how hard it is to change habits. It became clear that this is not just true for those of us in the second half of life, but is equally valid for eighteen - to twenty-two-year-olds. In our discussions, the students shared how it's complicated because they realize that the very habits that have served them well, for example, regularly pushing themselves to work and perform to the point of exhaustion, are also habits they know sometimes compromise their wellbeing. They struggle with balancing the reward of achieving good grades and getting into good programs with how anxious and overwhelmed they sometimes feel. They kept saying that they were striving for balance but found it challenging, reporting that just when they start to feel more centered, some new challenges come their way.

The balance we seek varies throughout the life cycle. Like riding a bicycle, we never actually achieve perfect balance. As we talked with the students, we discussed how a regular practice of self-awareness helps all of us make the constant adjustments it takes to keep riding forward. And we discussed how this is true for their parents, professors, and everyone they know and have known, as it is a lifelong process for all of us. Several students shared the insight that it's easier to make small changes on an ongoing basis than to wait until a crisis forces them to change in a big way.

Later, as we talked with the students about their peer wellness coaching work, we shared with them that asking good questions is the most essential tool they will use. We explained how the person they are coaching is always the expert on their own lives and will intuitively know whatever changes they want or need to make. They will be the ones that know best if and when a change needs to be made.

They decided they liked the following question and would use it in their meetings with other students." Is there some change you already know of, something that, if you either did more of or less of, would enhance your wellbeing and balance right now? Can you share with me what that might be?" It's a great question not just for young people to be asking, but for all of us as well.

Asking ourselves, "What small change could I make right now to enhance my wellbeing?" is always a good start. Then listening and acting, on an ongoing basis, to the answers that come to mind, regarding all areas of our lives, will keep us pedaling down the road with a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on balance as a verb, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Both Sides Now"

"Both Sides Now"

Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "

We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.

Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.

Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.

Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."

As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.

If you want to hear more about how this song speaks to us, listen to this week's 11-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Growing Our Relationships"

"Growing Our Relationships"

Are you looking for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone special to you? Read on for a recommendation for a gift that will not cost you a penny but will require something else from you instead.

The quote in the box above, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional," from author John Maxwell, is one of our favorites. Maxwell writes leadership books, so it is natural that the wisdom of this quote is something he often applies to organizations and businesses. In honor of Valentine's Day approaching, though, we would like to reflect on its meaning as it pertains to love and relationships. 

All relationships change over time, as change is inevitable. This is true of every relationship we are a part of, whether they be with family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and, of course, romantic relationships. While every relationship experiences change over time, not all relationships experience growth. Why? Because, as the Maxwell quote says, growth is optional. 

Growth happens when people are committed to the ongoing emotional growth relationships require. Growth occurs when both people see conflict and challenging times as opportunities for growth in understanding each other and are willing to learn and use new communication and listening skills. Growth also occurs when we accept that from time to time relationships get stuck, and that it is wise to ask for help by seeking out a therapist, a coach, a course, or book.  

Our last column and podcast talked about how "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." This is so true when it comes to relationships. Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder that our relationships need attention and nurturing, not just at this time of year, but always.  

So, in addition to whatever cards or gifts we may give this Valentine's Day, let's consider that the greatest gift of all may be a renewed commitment to growing and tending our relationships.  

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Paying Attention"

Paying Attention

People across the United States have been experiencing extreme winter weather lately. There have been tornadoes, heavy rains, bitter cold, ice storms, strong winds, and record snow storms. We know this as we have been running Zoom Wellness Circles lately with people living through all of these different types of weather. We have people from VA, WI, NY, CA, NC, OR, FL, MD, and UT in one we are running now, and everyone is talking about the challenging weather they are experiencing this winter.

One group member shared the quote, "If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow." While this may seem a stretch if we are experiencing truly dangerous weather, we like the spirit of this quote. It fits with a quote that runs throughout our resources: "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow."

If we give most of our attention to our complaints (weather or otherwise) our negative energy will grow. If we pay attention to what we are grateful for, to what brings us joy (including road crews, utility workers, first responders, and others who help restore services after a storm), that will grow as well.

Here are some other examples of paying attention and the results we can get:

If we pay attention and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we pay attention to and appreciate someone's efforts to face a challenging situation, we may increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we really pay attention to some habit we want to change, we will be more likely to make that change.

If we pay attention to the kindness of another, by expressing our gratitude and appreciation, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we pay extra attention to someone we care about, we make them feel cared about, and we grow the relationship.

You can probably think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we pay attention to grows," and we encourage you to do so.

We also encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way, and to pay attention to something or someone in your life that you would like to enhance.

Give that part of your life more attention in the next few weeks and see what happens. Most likely, that area of your life will grow, no matter the weather.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"F.A.I.L.-A New Mindset"

F.A.I.L.-A New Mindset

We have been taking Spanish lessons for the last several years. There has been progress occasionally, but more often than not, it has been an ongoing lesson in humility. And as it turns out, this might be the most important lesson of all.

One of the biggest obstacles we have had to overcome is our desire to quickly “get it right.” Just as we begin to feel comfortable with a new milestone we have achieved, we are humbled once again as we take on a new topic. We especially struggle with speaking Spanish, and our teacher always encourages us to become more comfortable with “saying it wrong.” She says there is no other way to learn than to stop being so self-conscious about making mistakes and to try again.

Early in our learning journey, when we felt like we were failing, our teacher encouraged us to think of the word “FAIL” as an acronym for “First Attempt in Learning.” That has helped tremendously. We repeat that acronym often and have learned to apply it to many areas of our lives.

This acronym may be timely for you if you have set resolutions for yourself in the new year. Perhaps you are struggling with feeling that you have already failed, and could benefit from instead thinking of something you have tried to change in the last few weeks as a first attempt in learning. 

One thing we all learn when we try to change an old habit or start a new one is that change is almost always more complex than we imagine. This is true for individual changes and changes within relationships, families, and organizations. Our first attempts rarely succeed if we define success as achieving the complete change we desire. If, however, we reframe our first (and second, third, and more) attempts as opportunities to learn, we can keep our momentum to change moving forward. 

At the start of the year the two of us set an intention of eating more vegetarian meals. We admittedly have been uneven in our consistency so far. What we have learned, though, is that our default habit is to cook meat-based meals, as we don’t yet have much of a repertoire of vegetarian entries. We have always eaten lots of vegetables as side dishes, but not so much as entries. So, based on what we are learning, we are now collecting and trying some new recipes. We are measuring our progress so far not in terms of success or failure, but as an attempt in learning.

How about you? What first attempts in learning are you experiencing in your life right now?

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The New Elimination Diet"

The New Elimination Diet

We love inspiring quotes. We value them so highly that we invite participants in our six-week Wellness Circle programs to select and share a quote with their group, one that will serve as a guide or a “compass” for the goals they set for themselves in their circle. Some participants turn their quotes into bookmarks or put them on Post-it notes and stick them in places where they will see them regularly.

In that spirit, today, we are going to share one of the quotes one of our participants shared in a Wellness Circle a few months ago.

Here’s this week’s quote:

“The New Elimination Diet: Remove anger, regret, resentment, guilt, blame, and worry. Then watch your health and life improve.”

Charles Glassman, M.D.

Many approaches to dieting are grounded in shame and self-criticism, something we could never support. This quote, however, speaks of one approach to a diet we can get behind and one we wish to practice for ourselves.

Many of you wrote to us last week and thanked us for focusing on the importance of self-compassion as we set intentions for the new year. The quote above goes along with that way of thinking and invites us to let go of four things that relate directly to practicing self-compassion: regret, resentment, guilt, and blame. For us to eliminate these things does not mean that we don’t or that we shouldn’t feel them. The idea is not to get stuck in them, to let them go over time rather than letting them weigh us down, causing us to suffer one way or another.

The same can be said for anger and worry. There are healthy experiences and expressions of both of these emotions, as well as unhealthy ones. We can usually sense the difference. People often reach out to us when they know their anger or worry is excessive and/or they are feeling consumed by them. This is a healthy move on their part as they know that being unable to let certain emotions go will have a long-term negative effect on their life and health.

Our overall physical health and wellbeing are intricately intertwined with our emotions. It is wise for all of us to identify and practice eliminating emotions that could harm us. When we do this, we can all watch our health and life improve.

Do you have a quote that guides your wellbeing right now or your intentions for the new year? One you might put up on a sticky note and post on your mirror or laptop?

We would love to hear it—so we invite you to share it with us on our Wellness Compass Facebook page, where we also share this column each week.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Grounding Growth in Self-Compassion"

Grounding Growth in Self-Compassion

Why do you think so many New Year’s resolutions do not last? While acknowledging that there are many reasons that many don’t ever come to fruition, we want to focus on one particular reason we have seen frequently in our experience as family therapists. We believe that most attempts at behavior change fail because they are rooted in self-criticism rather than self-compassion.

Have you ever tried to change someone else’s behavior by constantly criticizing them? Maybe a child or teen? Or a partner, friend, or colleague? How did that work out? Probably not so well. It likely didn’t promote the change you were hoping for, and it likely damaged the relationship and the other person’s self-esteem as well.

This happens, too, when we try to change because we do not like some aspect of ourselves, as then our motivation to change comes through self-criticism. This also rarely works out, and it almost always makes us feel worse instead of making things better. Setting ourselves up to fail with New Year’s resolutions only adds to the cycle of self-criticism.

Our recommendation is to ground any desire for growth and change with a commitment to first increasing self-compassion. Gardners know that before they plant seeds, they must ensure the soil contains the proper nutrients. Good seeds planted in poor soil will not grow well, which is also why if our best intentions to change are rooted in the soil of self-criticism, they will rarely last.

Embrace imperfection. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Practice gratitude. Celebrate all the ways in which you are already “enough.” And if you do want to make a change, be sure the change is an expression of self-care, not self-judgment.

Resolving to nurture greater self-compassion is a good idea for the first few days of January and every other day of the year.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.