Grounding Growth in Self-Compassion
Why do you think so many New Year’s resolutions do not last? While acknowledging that there are many reasons that many don’t ever come to fruition, we want to focus on one particular reason we have seen frequently in our experience as family therapists. We believe that most attempts at behavior change fail because they are rooted in self-criticism rather than self-compassion.
Have you ever tried to change someone else’s behavior by constantly criticizing them? Maybe a child or teen? Or a partner, friend, or colleague? How did that work out? Probably not so well. It likely didn’t promote the change you were hoping for, and it likely damaged the relationship and the other person’s self-esteem as well.
This happens, too, when we try to change because we do not like some aspect of ourselves, as then our motivation to change comes through self-criticism. This also rarely works out, and it almost always makes us feel worse instead of making things better. Setting ourselves up to fail with New Year’s resolutions only adds to the cycle of self-criticism.
Our recommendation is to ground any desire for growth and change with a commitment to first increasing self-compassion. Gardners know that before they plant seeds, they must ensure the soil contains the proper nutrients. Good seeds planted in poor soil will not grow well, which is also why if our best intentions to change are rooted in the soil of self-criticism, they will rarely last.
Embrace imperfection. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Practice gratitude. Celebrate all the ways in which you are already “enough.” And if you do want to make a change, be sure the change is an expression of self-care, not self-judgment.
Resolving to nurture greater self-compassion is a good idea for the first few days of January and every other day of the year.
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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.
And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.