Enhancing the Quality of Our Relationships
Almost thirty years ago, I first wrote that "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships,” for an article on marriage and family therapy. And I believe that quote is as true today as it was when I first wrote it.
The stress that people are experiencing from the pandemic is often showing up as more conflict in their relationships, which in turn creates more stress in their lives. Last week I wrote about stress resilience and the importance of being compassionate toward ourselves and others with whom we are in relationship. Knowing that being compassionate is a crucial tool in stress reduction is one thing; practicing it in our relationships is another. Once relationship patterns get set, they can be hard to break, especially if those relationship patterns are long-standing.
Most of us first learned our relationship patterns and skills at the "school of relationships" we attended as children. That school was run by the adults who raised us. In that school, we learned about all kinds of things that we came to believe were normal and good in relationships, and then we most likely adopted them. We probably carried those habits into our adulthood, often without awareness of whether what we learned was helpful or not.
The good news is that if we find our current relationship habits are not serving us well, we can change those patterns at any time. All it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.
Here is one specific skill that I regularly teach that creates a new pattern in relationships. It is a skill I learned from the research of Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist and author of several best-selling books on relationships. The skill, known as the "soft start-up,” has to do with how we choose to start a conversation.
Gottman contrasts a soft start-up with its opposite, a harsh start-up (often used when people are stressed). His research shows that depending on which of these two ways a conversation begins, one can predict how that conversation will end. For example, a harsh start-up, such as "You never listen to what I have to say about……" (especially when said with a stern tone) is likely to lead to a defensive response from the accused, which often leads to an escalation in the conflict.
A soft start-up, on the other hand, related to the same issue might sound like this. "I would like to talk with you about how lately I am not feeling heard when I talk about ……. and I would like to address this before I get more upset. Would now be a good time to have a conversation with me about this?" Starting a conversation in this manner is much more likely to lead to a productive and positive conversation. This kind of start-up seeks to resolve the conflict rather than inflame it.
If we attended a "school of relationships" where harsh start-ups and repeated relational conflict were common, we might believe that is typical for relationships. If no one ever shared their true feelings when you were growing up, you most likely learned to do the same. The good news is that we can all be life-long learners when it comes to finding more satisfying ways to be in relationship with others, no matter what we have learned through the years. Again, all it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.
Making It Personal:
These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.
Do you see a connection between your current level of stress and how it might be impacting your relationships?
Are you satisfied in general with your use of "soft start-ups" vs. "harsh start-ups?”
Is there a specific relationship where you would like to practice a different tone, including, perhaps, a soft start-up?
*Healthy Relationships is one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.