A Conspiracy of Love

A Conspiracy of Love

Last week we wrote about lessons we learned from attending a holiday concert performed by the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra and their chorus. This week, we attended a very different kind of holiday concert. This one was performed by our grandson and his third-grade classmates, and it, too, was spectacular in its own innocent way.

It’s hard to say who was smiling more at the concert—the children or their families. After each song, we noticed something very special. We saw the parents making a heart shape with their hands and then moving their hands from their hearts toward their children, sending them all the love their hearts were filled with at that moment. What we witnessed was the essence of this quote from Hamilton Wright Mabie, “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”

And now it’s our turn to do the same with all of you. As we write this final column of the year, we hold our hands over our hearts and send each of you love and good wishes for the holidays. However you celebrate, may you be blessed by and participate in a “conspiracy of love.”

We look forward to continuing to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness with you in the new year.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of a “conspiracy of love”. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Tuning Our Instruments First

Tuning Our Instruments First

We could have titled this column “Three Lessons We Learned From Attending a Holiday Pops Concert” as we had the joy of attending such a concert with some dear friends this past weekend. Here are a few lessons we took from the show that might be helpful reminders to all of us during this holiday season.

Tune your instrument first. 

When the concertmaster (principal violinist) walked on stage, before she played a single note, she paused and spent time getting every one of the musicians in the symphony to tune their instruments. She did the same thing when the musicians came back after intermission. We also noticed that many of the musicians were making minor refinements to their tuning after almost every song. 

Some of us may be spending more time than usual with others during the holidays. Of course, we realize this is only true for some, as others will undoubtedly be alone or away from family and friends. Either way, if we are spending time with others, or are on our own, it’s an excellent reminder to take time to “tune” our emotional and spiritual well-being. Take some time for yourself so you can be positively present to what or who comes your way. If we have taken care of ourselves and are “in tune,” so to speak, we will be well prepared to make better sounding music in our interaction with others. 

Be in the present moment. 

As is the custom with any concert or theater show, an announcement was made at the beginning to silence all cell phones. What a great reminder that we need to be intentional about turning off potential distractions that could block our ability to be fully present in the moment we are experiencing. It took us a few songs to settle in and be fully present to the experience being offered, and once we did, we became fully immersed in the moment and the music and lost all sense of time in the process. For one song, the audience was invited to sing along; for a few minutes, we had almost 1,000 people singing and playing music together. It was indeed a magical moment. And then it was over. And then it was a memory. The same will be true of our holidays. In a few short days, they, too, will be a memory, a reason to concentrate on being in the present moment and all the wonders it has to offer.

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. 

The Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra was joined by the Milwaukee Symphony Chorus at this concert, making a group of close to 150 musicians. Each musician was highly talented, and yet it was the overall effect of the harmonies and diversity of instruments and voices that created the essence of what everyone joyfully experienced. This helps us remember that none of us are responsible for making all of the “music.” We each have a part to play in making the holidays special, a vital role actually, but the true joy is found in honoring and welcoming what each person has uniquely to offer.  

So there you have it --with a special thanks to the Milwaukee Symphony and Chorus-three lessons we learned from attending a holiday pops concert. We share them in hopes that they inspire you to tune your instrument regularly, seek to be fully present in the moment, and remember that the whole is always greater than the sum of the parts. 

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on these three lessons. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Self-Compassion and Grief

Self-Compassion and Grief

Holidays are a natural time for reminiscing, a time when we fondly remember people and traditions that are no longer a part of our lives. And it is only natural to feel both the joy and sadness of such memories. When we listen closely to others this time of year, it is not uncommon to hear at least a story about a loss they are experiencing and feeling. We might also know someone facing their first holiday after a significant loss or transition.

At our best, when someone shares their grief with us, we hopefully extend a compassionate ear and heart to them. We pause and try to offer them the best holiday gift we can give—the gift of our full and undivided presence. Our offering of compassion will ease their pain for a bit, and they will be grateful for having received the gift of our caring attention.

Now imagine that the person experiencing a loss or transition you encounter is yourself. Are you able to offer yourself the same gift of compassion as readily as you are able to show it to someone else? If not, what do you offer yourself instead? Self-criticism? Distraction? Impatience?

Self-compassion is one of the foundations of well-being and is especially important when we are experiencing the vulnerability of loss. Offering self-compassion to yourself might be a wonderful gift for even you this year. It's worth noting, too, that there is usually a connection between our capacity to offer compassion to ourselves, and our ability to show it to others.  

Here are a few suggestions of how you can care for yourself if or when you find yourself feeling grief during the holidays. 

Be gentle with yourself. Perhaps this is the year you can let go of some of your usual expectations or traditions, so things are simpler and less stressful. 

Take time to rest—being sure to get enough sleep and not to distract yourself with busyness. 

Make intentional time to nurture your spirituality through reading, meditation, prayer, or participating in a faith community's offerings. 

Choose to spend time with people who "get" what you are experiencing and minimize time with people who might be uncomfortable with your feelings. 

These are just a few suggestions. One of the premises in all of our Wellness Compass resources is that when we take the time to slow down enough and truly listen to what our hearts and souls and minds are telling us, we will know what we need to do to care for ourselves.

Compassion is truly one of the greatest gifts we can give this holiday season, to others and ourselves. 

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of self-compassion and grief. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Self-Care and the Holidays: Less is More

Self-Care and the Holidays: Less is More

In 1907 a young architect by the name of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe was working on a building design for his mentor Peter Behrens. When he presented several different designs to his mentor, Behrens's advice was to remember that, when designing a building, many times, "less is more."

The messages we receive during this holiday season are just the opposite. They are often some version of "more is more," as we are encouraged to buy more, do more, eat more, drink more, and want more. Our experience as therapists is that this can actually be a recipe for more stress and strife in ourselves and our relationships. 

And so, as we enter the holiday season, we invite each of us to make choices about the kind of experiences we wish to design for ourselves, keeping in mind the advice that "less is more."

Making It Personal:

Are you feeling pressure to do more this time of year? What is one thing you wish to do less of during the next four weeks? Can you think of some way in which doing less could lead to enjoying more of what you want to experience this holiday season?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of self-care and the holidays. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Let the Gratefulness Overflow Into Blessing

Let the Gratefulness Overflow Into Blessing

This week's column's title comes from one of my favorite videos. We have shared it in this column before, as it speaks so eloquently about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. 

The video, which focuses on nature, beauty, and gratitude, brings the stunning photography of Louie Schwartzberg together with the spoken words of Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast. Brother David invites us to pay attention, really pay attention to the simple gifts and blessings of life that can be so quickly be taken for granted. He points out that paying attention to the wonder of nature and the wonder of the people we encounter in our life is the basis for authentic gratitude. We could not agree more.

You can view the video HERE:  If you want to read along as Brother David speaks, the text of his words follows. His narration is spectacular, and so we highly recommend listening to him recite these words.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and in the words of Brother David, "May your gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you.” 

  “You think that this is just another day in your life. It's not just another day. It's the one day that is given to you - today. It's given to you. It's a gift. It's the only gift that you have right now. And the only appropriate response is gratefulness. 

  If you do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is. If you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well. 

  Begin by opening your eyes, and be surprised that you have eyes you can open to that incredible array of colors that is constantly offered to us for our pure enjoyment. Look at the sky. We so rarely look at the sky. We so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment, with clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather, and even with the weather we don't think of all the many nuances of weather. We just think of "good weather" and "bad weather." 

  This day, right now, with its unique weather, may be a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same as it is right now. Open your eyes. Look at that. 

  Look at the faces of people whom you meet. Each one has an incredible story behind their face, a story that you could never fully fathom. Not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors. We all go back so far.

  And in this present moment on this day, all the people you meet, all that life from generations, and from so many places all over the world, flows together and meets you here like a life-giving water, if you only open your heart and drink. 

  Open your heart to the incredible gifts that civilization gives to us. You flip a switch, and there is electric light. You turn a faucet, and there is warm water, and cold water, and drinkable water, a gift that millions and millions in the world will never experience. 

  So these are just a few of an enormous number of gifts to which you can open your heart. 

  And so I am wishing you will open your heart to all these blessings and let them flow through you. Know that everyone you will meet on this day will be blessed by you, just by your eyes, by your smile, by your touch, just by your presence. 

  Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you. Then it will really be a good day.”

Words by Brother David Steindl-Rast

**Please note that we will be taking a week off as we travel for Thanksgiving. This column will resume in two weeks.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between gratitude and well-being. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Grateful Living

Grateful Living

Grateful living is a beautiful prescription for how to live one's life. It is also the name of a nonprofit organization that we recommend you learn more about, a timely recommendation in this month where we focus on being thankful.

Grateful Living's mission statement, which you can find on their website www.grateful.org is worth reading slowly: "Grateful Living is a global nonprofit organization offering online and community-based educational programs and practices. Our offerings guide a commitment to the practice of Grateful Living and catalyze the transformative power of personal and societal responsibility. We hold Grateful Living as an engaged mindfulness practice, grounded in both wisdom and science, which supports our ability to see the wonder and opportunity in every moment, and motivates us to act boldly with love, generosity, and respect towards one another, ourselves, and the Earth."

Our Wellness Compass Initiative fully aligns with their mission as recent research has consistently shown a high correlation between gratitude practices and well-being. 

For example, Harvard Health, the media and publishing division of Harvard Medical School, published a study regarding the importance of gratefulness. One group of people was asked to write about something every day for which they were grateful. A second group was asked to write about something every day that irritated them. They found the difference between the two groups "After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation. You can read about the research at Health.Harvard.edu. 

So as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, let's also pause to consider what it might mean to focus on grateful living, where practicing and expressing gratitude becomes not just a holiday tradition but also a regular part of our daily life.

Making It Personal:

This week is Veteran's Day. It there a veteran in your life that you can thank for their service?  Who else do you want to express gratitude to in your life right now?

In general, which comes easier for you—expressing irritation or gratitude?

Have you ever tried a gratitude practice where you write or share something you are grateful for on a daily basis? Are you willing to try that?

Are you ready to learn about other gratitude practices recommended by Grateful Living?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between gratitude and well-being. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Emotional Flooding

Emotional Flooding

We are creatures of emotion more than we are creatures of logic. So said Dale Carnegie many years ago.  

Advertisers, whether of the political or the consumer kind, know this. They promote their candidate or product by appealing to our emotions, not our logic. As marriage and family therapists, we also know how easily and quickly emotions can overpower one’s ability to reason.  

John Gottman, a wise author and researcher on relationships, coined the concept of “emotional flooding” to describe the experience of what it feels like when we become hijacked by our emotions or the emotions of someone else. Our reptilian brains are primed for fight-flight mode, and when that part of our brain gets activated, rational thinking is in short supply. 

Another way to understand what emotional flooding looks like is to think of the last time you were around a young child who was over-tired or over-stimulated. In such a state, children can become flooded by emotions; at that point, it is almost impossible to appeal to their sense of logic. While we adults have greater emotional maturity, we too can become flooded with worry, fear, anger, sadness, or irritability under the right circumstances, and our logic too can disappear. 

Emotional flooding is not something we outgrow. It can still happen to any of us. We can’t choose for it not to happen. But what we can choose is how we manage it.

Recognizing our triggers and taking responsibility for ourselves when we are emotionally overwhelmed is crucial to emotional intelligence. This can look like saying, “I want to apologize for how I got hooked and completely overreacted last night and said things I regret. I want to revisit our conversation now that I’m in a more centered place to have a more productive conversation about the issue.” 

Taking responsibility is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of emotional health. So, while we never wholly outgrow emotional flooding, we can grow in our ability to manage and take responsibility for our strong emotions. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being includes eight dimensions of wellness. One of the eight dimensions is “Handling Emotions.” We call it that because the key to well-being in this area is not our emotions in and of themselves, but how we handle them. Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. However, how we handle our feelings can make all the difference in our own well-being and the health of our relationships.  

Making It Personal Questions:

Do you recognize the triggers that cause you to become emotionally flooded? 

Are you aware of, take responsibility for, and even apologize when your emotions overpower your ability to reason? 

Do you have things you do that help you either be less emotionally reactive and/or help you recenter when you are overwhelmed? If not, what tools might you want to develop?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of emotional flooding. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Of Halloween and Masks

Of Halloween and Masks

When our children were young, they loved putting on their Halloween masks and believing they were genuinely scaring us. After a few moments of enjoying how frightened we had become, they would pull off their masks and exclaim, "It's okay, it's just ME!" We would respond with an exaggerated sense of relief, "Oh, thank goodness, because we were SO scared.!"

We remembered this fun Halloween exchange with our children a few years later when they were in middle and high school. Now the costumes and behaviors that scared us at times were not just related to Halloween, but to the different roles that adolescents often try on as they are forming their identities. At this stage of parenting, it became even more important to remember and stay connected with the "It's okay, it's just ME" that was our children's enduring core identity, often hidden behind the many disguises of adolescence.

I also remember visiting with an elderly gentleman at this time of year in a skilled care facility and asking him if he had decided on a Halloween costume yet. He thought for a moment and then grinned and said, "I'm going to dress up as an old man this year—no one will have any idea it's me." He then pointed to himself and his clothes and added, "I guess I'm already wearing my costume!" We laughed together, and I realized that behind the exterior of his aging appearance, there too was still an "It's okay, it's just ME!" inside.

There is indeed "a just me" inside each of us. It is our true self, our core identity, that endures throughout our lifetime. Because our true self can be very vulnerable at times, we  sometimes develop different "masks"  to help us get along in the day-to-day world. There is nothing wrong with these “disguises” except when we confuse these masks—our own or others, with the true self. When any one of us are going through a challenging time this is especially important to remember.This is because, during such times, we may be more likely to hide our true selves and pretend everything is fine.

Halloween masks make for great fun—for young and old. For Halloween, the whole point is to fool others and to mask one's true identity—to be someone other than who we really are. The rest of the year, though, let's remember that hiding our true selves is a sure way to erode our own well-being, as well as the well-being of the important relationships in our lives.

Revealing our true selves will be more difficult when we feel most vulnerable. During such times, we may be tempted to put on  masks, especially the masks of anger and irritability, which like Halloween masks, are designed to scare people away. Making the sometimes difficult choice to share our true selves, to say to others, "It's okay, it's just ME!" will do wonders for both our personal and relational well-being.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on our true selves and the possible ways we can mask that true self from ourselves and others. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Lessons Learned From Walking a Corn Maze

Lessons Learned From a Corn Maze

Have you ever been so stubbornly sure that you were right that you had difficulty changing your mind, even when you gained new information and it was clear that you were mistaken? Even when the rest of the people in your group gave you feedback that you were off track?

This was my (Scott’s) experience as I walked a corn maze with part of my extended family this past week. If you are not so fortunate as to live in a part of the country with corn mazes, you can learn more about them by visiting the Treinen Farm corn maze website that we walked this week in Lodi, Wisconsin (www.treinenfarm.com).

The maze was set up so that we started with just one of the eight sections of the map of the 600 x 400 yard maze. To get each additional section, we had to locate a mailbox within the maze on the map portion we had just received. I was sure I knew the way to the first mailbox and promptly got our group lost, even while insisting that I was right. Finally, there was no more denying our being off track, and I relinquished my role as navigator to those who clearly had a better sense of direction.  

Being able to recognize when we are on the wrong path is often the prerequisite to discovering the right direction forward. It sounds simple in concept, but can be difficult in practice. Whether in a corn maze, or an argument we are having with a person we love, our need to be right can sometimes hurt ourselves and others. Fortunately, I could laugh at myself and create a space for all of us to take turns figuring out what was an incredibly challenging puzzle.

That leads to the second lesson we learned. Trust the wisdom in the group and let everyone’s voice be heard. Just as there were many pieces to the overall maze map, we often each hold a piece of wisdom that, when joined with others, creates a much fuller and healthy perspective.

A third lesson we learned is the importance of pausing and listening. Before entering the corn maze, we were told that when you feel like you have lost your bearings, stop and listen to where the road noise is coming from, as that will tell you which direction is south. We benefited from that advice several times. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being has eight wellness areas, one of which is spirituality. Spirituality helps us find or re-find our bearings when we are feeling off track. Spiritual practices like journaling, mindfulness, prayer, or time in nature help us to calm and re-center ourselves. 

The final lesson we learned, also a spiritual lesson, is to focus on enjoying the journey and not just on the destination. At this point, I can’t even remember if we actually found all the pieces of the maze that we were so set on finding when we began. But I most definitely remember how much fun we had and how much laughter we shared. We have been sharing fun memories of our time in the maze with our grandkids all week, and none of those memories have to do with what we accomplished.

Who amongst hasn’t been sure we knew where we were heading, only to find out that we were completely wrong? We all get lost from time to time and need to pause, check our bearings, and adjust our courses. Admitting when we are off track, asking for help when we need it, and keeping a sense of humor in the process, will go a long way in helping us enjoy this journey we are all on together. 

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on other lessons we learned walking a corn maze. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Of Permanence and Change

Of Permanence and Change

Fall has arrived in all its glory in the upper midwest. In addition to the stunning colors of the changing leaves, there are many reasons to love this season, including apple picking, corn mazes, playoff baseball, carving pumpkins, baking pies, and wearing your favorite sweater.

One additional reason we love fall is that it is a time when we find ourselves turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general. The poet Bonaro Overstreet captures this part of fall when he describes this time of year as "a symphony of permanence and change." Life is indeed an ongoing song of permanence and change, and taking time to honor both realities is essential.

It's not just the trees transitioning here in the northern hemisphere as the geese and other wildlife prepare for the coming winter months, as well. The geese and other animals move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and many other animals stay in place and create an internal transition, shifting their energy from external growth and creation to various expressions of internal protecting and stewarding.  

We can all benefit from doing a similar kind of internal protecting and stewarding in the fall as we let go of what has been. Maybe a relationship, a job, or a dream for ourselves or others is changing. Perhaps it's time for us to let go of a grudge or expectation. No matter what is shifting for us, it will likely be an emotional undertaking, being hard, uncomfortable, and yet in some instances, even freeing. 

A symphony of permanence and change, and the leaves remind us that it is possible to find beauty in both.

Making It Personal Questions:

1. Is there a significant change in your life that you are experiencing right now? If so, how are you experiencing this change? Excited? Sad? Angry? Worried? Are you comfortable experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions?

2. In this season of permanence and change, what remains constant for you? What do you hold on to? Is it your spirituality? Your values? Your core sense of who you are?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of letting go. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Mindset Matters

Mindset Matters

Carol Dweck, a research psychologist at Stanford University, is well known for her work on exploring the differences between fixed and growth mindsets. Our column and podcast from last week focused on the power of the word yet, which was a simple way to understand the more complex concepts that this psychologist writes about.

"I can't constructively express my feelings when I am upset," is an example of a fixed mindset.

"I haven't learned how to express my feelings constructively yet" is an example of a growth mindset.

Here are a few other examples. These are some of the ones we often hear as therapists. Each pair of statements are an example of the two mindsets.

"I don't know how to say 'no' to my children." 

"I am learning how to set clearer boundaries with my children."

"We don't talk about conflict in our relationship."

"We have been taking risks to address conflict when it comes up. It's quite awkward at this point, but we are learning."

"I am not an exerciser. Never have been and never will be."

"I have recently committed to walking three times a week, and while I wouldn't say it's a habit yet, I'm curious about what the benefits might be for me."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I would never do something like that."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I'm going to talk to her and learn how it's helpful for her. Maybe I'll even try it myself."

"I think that people that disagree with me politically are usually ignorant and uninformed."

"I have some friends and family members who disagree with me politically, and I want to find a way to talk with them so that we can genuinely be curious and listen to each other. Maybe if we are respectful, we might even learn from or about why we think what we think."

"That's just the way I am. You are not going to change me now." (Usually said in response to some kind of criticism, such as being late, or impulsive, or drinking too much, or being unable to apologize.)

"While I know I _______(fill in the blank), I am working to be more open to changing and learning to be different because I see it hurts you and me."

We are not born with our mindsets. We form them in response to many influences over time. Often our mindsets are unconscious, and we are unaware that they powerfully influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As therapists, though, we often see that behind unhealthy habits and behaviors are unhealthy and fixed mindsets. This is why it is good to be able to examine our perspectives and honestly reflect on whether they are enhancing or limiting our well-being, and our relationships with those we know and love.

Mindsets can be healthy and life-giving too. Core values such as honesty, kindness, love, and generosity ground our thoughts and actions in life-giving ways. It's only when we have a mindset that is hurting us, or others, that we want to be open to working to move that mindset from being fixed, to adopting new ways of thinking that promote growth and change.  

Making It Personal Questions:

Can you think of a time in the past when you, and/or a relationship in your life, benefited from you changing what had previously been a fixed mindset?

Do you feel a nudge to reflect on a mindset right now that might be limiting your well-being?

If you answered yes to number 2, what steps might you take right now to move to more of a growth mindset?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on mindsets. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

The Power of Yet

The Power of Yet

Sometimes a small, three-letter word can make all the difference. To understand what we mean, note the difference between these two sentences.

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out.” 

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out yet.” 

The only difference  is the word “yet.” Adding this critical word opens up possibility and hope. The first sentence states a fact, a statement that seems to be the end of the story, rather than the mid-point of a story that is still being written.

The this in the two sentences will be different for each of us. Here are the ones we typically hear in our work as marriage and family therapists and as wellness coaches.  

“I feel a distance in my relationship with my friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/colleague and don’t know what to do to change this.”

“I don’t know how to change my unhealthy drinking patterns.”

“I am burned out in my work, and I can’t figure out a way to make a change.”

“My grief is overwhelming, and I have no idea how to create the next chapter in my life.”

“My child is now in middle school and I have no idea how to connect with them at this stage.”

Reread each of these sentences now and add the word yet to the end. Adding this small, but powerful word helps people move, in the words of author and researcher Carol Dweck, from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.  

Each challenge mentioned above is significant, and is not quickly resolved by simply adding the word yet. And yet (so to speak!), without that vital word, we will lack the mindset needed to keep trying until we figure things out, as well as being open to asking for help from others.

Are you stuck right now in a loop of thinking that a particular concern in your life cannot change? The first step to getting unstuck might be to shift to a “yet mindset,” one that creates an opening for growth and change. And while you are at it, you might consider who you might reach out to help you with this shift.  

Shifting your perspective on a challenge you are facing and reaching out to others for support can be difficult. Perhaps, though, this has been hard for you to do. Or, in the spirit of today’s column, …..it may be simply something you haven’t been able to do ……yet!

**If you have children that you want to talk with about the power of yet, or you are a child at heart, you will love this Sesame Street video about the power of yet featuring Janelle Monae. Click HERE to watch.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of the power of yet.. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Recently we were made aware of some wise advice from author William Martin shared for parents. Martin reminds us to celebrate the ordinary moments of life, for in so doing, we also realize that it is in those everyday moments that the extraordinary becomes known. His words are helpful not only for parents, but for all of us, so we would like to share them with you in this week's column.

Here is what Martin writes:

"Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself."

These words remind us of a quote from Mother Teresa. When Mother Teresa was doing her work of caring for lepers in India, she often had volunteers from around the world that would come and help. When it was time for the volunteers to return home, they would ask her, "How can we do something when we get home that is as extraordinary as what you are doing here?" Her response was simple and direct, "Not all of us can do great things, but we all can do small things with great love."

The small, ordinary things we do every day as parents, friends, partners, spouses, colleagues, and neighbors, especially when done with attentiveness and love, are what make life extraordinary.

Is there some small thing you can do this week that, when done with great love, just might make an extraordinary difference in someone’s life?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

We love hearing from our readers (and listeners of our podcast), so we were delighted to hear from many of you this week. Last week we wrote about the importance of listening to our inner teacher, and several readers wrote back sharing a similar challenge. They wrote about how when they pause long enough to listen to what their inner teacher might be saying to them, they end up hearing the loud and negative voice of their inner critic instead.  

A good teacher, coach, or leader certainly, at times, needs to offer critique. The key is to provide it in a way that is growth-producing and not in a way that is shaming and diminishes a person’s confidence. The same is true with our inner critic. For example, if I agree to do a favor for a friend and then drop the ball and let my friend down, it’s healthy for me to critique myself and learn from what happened, but not to shame myself and forget about all of the times I have been there for them. 

Curiosity is key to learning and growth. So in the example above, I can shift from criticism to becoming curious about why I didn’t follow through on my promise to my friend. By doing this, I might realize that I am busy and overwhelmed with too many tasks, or that I often say “yes” when I can’t or don’t want to, or I might have some other important insight. Burying myself in criticism will not help me learn or change.

When we shift our criticism to curiosity, it becomes an opportunity for our inner teacher to instruct us. This is good advice for relating to others as well. If we tweak the example above and imagine a scenario where a friend doesn’t follow through on something they committed to doing and lets us down., we can see that this wisdom also applies. We may at first feel angry and critical of our friend and want to distance ourselves from them. If we can work to shift to curiosity, though, we might wonder, “That’s not like them to drop the ball. I wonder what else might be happening in their life that caused this.” Such a thought may lead us to reach out and check in with our friend, which might strengthen our friendship.  

Making it Personal Questions

1. Is there some way in which you are being too critical of yourself or someone else right now?

2. How might curiosity help you begin to shift to a place where you can learn, instead of judge?

3. What could you start to do this week to help you make that happen?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of shifting from judgment to curiosity. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Listening to Your Inner Teacher

Listening to Your Inner Teacher

Welcome back to the second season of our Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We follow the school year schedule, and so this is the first column of our second season. We look forward to connecting with you weekly throughout the school year after taking the summer off. We are renewed and are excited to be back together with you, as we all seek to navigate our lives and our relationships with greater awareness and intention.

When we started our non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative fourteen years ago, our team never dreamed it would become what it is today. Tens of thousands of people all around the world now use our resources. We are honored to know and support so many people who care about their own wellness and about helping others with theirs.

In this season of students returning to school, we see our initiative, and all who use our resources, as one very large classroom, where we are all students and teachers seeking to learn how to live into greater wellness. While we each have many teachers from whom we can and do learn, each one of us has one special teacher that is the most important of all, and that is the inner teacher that resides in every one of us.

As therapists, when we work with individuals, couples, and families, we usually ask them in the first or second session, “What ideas do you already have about something different you want to do, or is there a change that if made would help you feel better?” When asked this question, people always have some sort of an answer, an answer that comes from listening to their inner teacher.

We have created several different self-assessment tools (adult, parent, and teen) that help people listen more closely to  their lives. These self-assessments are meant to help us listen to the whispering of what our inner teacher is quietly saying to us. (If you are interested, you can find these self-assessments HERE and they are in English and Spanish).

Please feel free to invite others to join our Wellness Compass classroom as wellness is best learned and practiced in community. And most importantly, please remember to take time to listen to your (inner) teacher.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of your inner teacher. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

The Power of Planting Seeds

"Gardening is therapy for me" is a comment we have heard more than once this spring, not just from avid gardeners, but from people just now getting into gardening as well. Many people first discovered the joy of gardening during time spent at home during the pandemic, and most have stayed with it. One study, in fact, reports that 18 million new people started gardening during the pandemic.

 We are still celebrating May as Mental Health Awareness Month, and so it is worth noting the many aspects of wellness that gardening affects. In addition to being good "therapy," it positively impacts one's physical and spiritual well-being and often positively affects relationships and stress resilience as well.  

  This prompted us to do an informal survey of gardeners in the last few weeks. Here is a list of several things people identified regarding what they are learning through the act of gardening and how it affects their overall well-being.

*I'm learning patience and the ability to delay gratification.

*That planning ahead is both necessary and wise.

*There are factors we can control and many we cannot.

*You literally do reap what you sow.

*Our souls are nourished by creating and growing things.

*Physical labor and time outside are good for my mental health.

*It is good to remember the true source of our food and that food does not originate in a grocery store.  

*I'm being reminded of the power of planting and nurturing seeds to create future good.

*The process is as satisfying as the outcome. 

*Gardens create community. (shared by a person whose church hosts a garden for their community)

*At the same time, others reported that they love their "alone" time in their garden and that it brings them peace.

* It's amazing and powerful to see what a small seed can grow into with watering and good soil!

*Gardening keeps me humble. (Did you know that the word "humble" is related to the word "humus," which means earth?)

 Our informal survey reveals why interest in gardening is…..growing (we couldn't resist that one!) and how beneficial it is to our overall well-being. 

 Planting and tending seeds may not be the answer to all of life's problems, but applying the lessons we learn from doing so can go a long way in helping us grow our personal well-being and the well-being of our wider communities.  

Making It Personal: 

1. If you are a gardener, what lessons have you learned from your practice of growing things?

2. Looking back over your life, can you see where a seed you planted years ago continues to bear fruit in your life today?

3. Is there a seed, literal or metaphorical, that you want to plant right now in your life or your community?

*Please note that this weekly column and its weekly companion podcast will return the first Friday after Labor Day. We started this new mental health column and podcast right after Labor Day, 2021, and so this marks the end of our first "season." We will be taking the summer off to plant some new seeds for new projects and to take some time off for vacation.

We thank you for your support and feedback and, most importantly, for being on this journey of well-being together. Have a great summer, and we will see you again in September. 

Graduating From Our Comfort Zones

Graduating From Our Comfort Zones

Many of us know someone who is graduating this spring. Perhaps you have been invited to a party to celebrate the graduate's achievement. Graduation is a rite of passage that merits celebrating an individual's perseverance in achieving their goals. Graduation is also a transition and rite of passage for loved ones closest to the graduate as they face a new chapter in their lives.  

Amidst all the joy and celebration surrounding graduation, other emotions like anxiety and loss are often easy to overlook. We know and even expect that anxiety and loss are feelings that will accompany transitions that are neither planned nor desired, such as a sudden job loss, a death of a loved one, or a health crisis. The fact is, though, that even transitions that we plan and wish for can also create great feelings of anxiety and loss. Shifts of this kind include retirement, moving, getting married, starting a new job, welcoming a new member into the family, and graduation.  

Positive transitions can also be challenging because, as with all significant life changes, they involve a person leaving what for them has been a comfort zone. Any time we step out of our comfort zone, we are bound to feel a whole range of emotions, from excitement to loss. Stepping out like this is the only way that growth can happen, and so that's why graduates and others desiring to grow are willing to take that step. 

While we celebrate graduations in this month of May, we also continue to remember that it is Mental Health Awareness month. One way to bring these two together is to be intentional about supporting our graduates' mental health by anticipating, accepting, and normalizing the full range of emotions they and those closest to them may be experiencing. 

An essential part of mental health awareness is helping people be more comfortable with the full range of feelings and emotions they are experiencing. A simple way to express the importance of being comfortable with emotions that we typically find unpleasant is the idea to "name it, claim it, frame it, and tame it." When we help graduates understand that, as with all meaningful life transitions, both pleasant and challenging emotions are a normal part of the experience, we provide them with a more expansive and helpful frame within which to name, claim, and tame the full range of emotions they are experiencing. 

So to any graduates that may read this column, we celebrate you! Take time to honor your achievements and also take time to honor the full range of feelings you (and your loved ones) may be having as you step into the next stage of growth in your life.  

Making It Personal:

Do you know a graduate that you can celebrate and support as they transition to the next stage of their lives? Are you currently in the midst of stepping out of a comfort zone in your life? If so, how can you best support your mental health and well-being through this time of transition?  

**We also want to let you know that we will be taking a break this summer after next week's column and podcast. This will give us some time for vacation and the needed bandwidth to focus on a few other projects that need our attention. We will resume our weekly column and podcast right after Labor Day. 

Mental Health Awareness Month

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Because we are both mental health professionals who co-direct a foundation that creates materials to support mental health, we often get invited to offer programs this month. Usually, these gatherings are for organizations that want to acknowledge and promote the importance of mental health, either for their employees or the people they serve.

We talk about many things in our presentations, including normalizing mental health challenges, seeking professional help, and understanding the enormous toll the pandemic has taken on almost everyone’s mental health.  

There is one exercise we led a week ago during one of our presentations that we would like to share with you now. We introduce this exercise by saying that one of the most critical points of Mental Health Awareness Month is to remind each of us to be more proactive and pay greater attention to and care for our own mental health.  

For this exercise, we invite the participants to create two lists of activities or habits with us. The first list is activities or habits that deplete or diminish their mental health, and the second is a list of activities that enhance their mental health. The group co-creates the lists right then during the presentation. 

Topping the first list of things that diminish their mental health are usually things like: not getting enough sleep, too much time on social media and/or screens, complaining too much, drinking too much, binge-watching TV, any kind of numbing behavior, working too many hours, and spending too much time with negative people.

Topping the second list, things that enhance mental health usually are things like: spending time outside, time with pets, time with friends and family, meditation/mindfulness/prayer, good sleep habits, eating well, movement/exercise, yoga, journaling, knitting, reading spiritually uplifting material, asking for help when needed, and playing or listening to music.  

The final step of the exercise is crucial. After the lists are created, we ask the participants, “By a show of hands, how many of you wish you spent less time doing the things on the first list?” Usually, about 90% of their hands go up. And when we ask how may wish they spent more time on the second list, not surprisingly, the response is the same.

The point of the exercise is that each of us usually knows what enhances and what depletes our mental health. So the problem is not knowing what to do, but being more aware of the need to prioritize our need to regularly cultivate and grow our mental health. 

In many of our Wellness Compass resources and programs, we have a saying, “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.” To honor Mental Health Awareness month, let’s all be more aware of the importance of paying attention to and growing our mental health.  

Making It Personal:

1. How comfortable are you talking about mental health, either your own, or listening to others talk about theirs? 2. What would be on your personal list of things that either diminish or enhance your mental health? 3. What’s one thing from your “positive list” that you could do today or in the next few days to prioritize your mental health?

Family of Origin, Family of Creation

Family of Origin, Family of Creation

As we prepare to celebrate Mother’s Day, it seems like a good time to reflect on the two concepts of family of origin, and family of creation, topics that we talk about a great deal with people in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Our family of origin is the constellation of relationships in which we were raised. One way to think about it is that it is the school of life that we were enrolled in for the first eighteen years or so of our lives. We learned many life lessons in that school. Our teachers did their best to teach us what they knew.

When we work with clients, we hear the full range of reactions to what people experienced in their family of origin. Some want to take and repeat most things they experienced in that family. Others feel differently and commit to patterning their adult lives in ways that are not at all similar to how they were raised.

The concept of family of creation, on the other hand, is used to describe the web of relational bonds we form as adults. Children have little agency to change the patterns of the relational bonds in which they are raised. Adults, however, have much greater freedom to co-create the relational patterns in their lives. The relational bonds we form as adults are constantly evolving. And one of the gifts of growing older is that we can both nurture and deepen the relationships we currently have and embrace the many opportunities that emerge to form a continually expanding network of new relational bonds. 

Research and experience teach us that we will tend to repeat the relational patterns we learned in childhood unless we make a conscious and intentional effort to change them. For example, suppose you or I were raised in an environment where conflict was never openly discussed, or was often denied or swept under the rug. In that case, we are likely to repeat that pattern in our adult relationships unless we make a conscious effort not to do so.  

Last week we wrote about curiosity, and so it is in that spirit we invite you to take some time to reflect on the lessons you learned in your family of origin, and this week in particular, from the formative women in your life. Take a moment to celebrate the best of what you experienced and that you carry with you into your present life. Also, please take a moment to observe how you have added to those lessons, or perhaps even let some of them go as you have chosen to do things quite differently from how you were raised.  

And finally, be sure to take a moment to remember and appreciate the women who have been your teachers in this school we call life.  

Making It Personal:
1. What are some of the most valuable lessons you learned in your family of origin that continue to inform who you are today?

2. What ways have you evolved that are different from what you experienced in your family of origin?  

3. What opportunities are being presented to you right now to change or create new patterns in the relationships in your life?  

Curiosity and Happiness

Curiosity and Happiness

One of the reasons we love spending time with children is it gives us the chance to witness their constant curiosity. They are sponges who always want to learn more about the world around them. There is no limit, as you probably know, to how many times they can ask, "why?" 

Given children's inquisitive nature, it's not surprising that Curious George is one of the most successful series of all time, containing children's books, TV shows,  movies, and other materials. PBS KIDS now owns the rights to the Curious George tv shows, and here is how they describe why they continue to offer these videos to today's children.

“Aimed at preschoolers, "Curious George" inspires children to explore science, engineering, and math in the world around them. And what better guide is there for this kind of exploration than the world's most curious monkey? George lives to find new things to discover, touch, spill, and chew. Everything is new to George and worth investigating. Of course, in George's hands — all four of them — investigation often leads to unintended consequences! (From the PBS KIDS website).

We especially love the last line that curiosity and investigation "often leads to unintended consequences." As psychotherapists, we witness this regularly, as curiosity is one thing that enhances the well-being of individuals and relationships. When we work with an individual, couple, or family who is "stuck" in some way, we almost always find that they have lost their ability to be curious about their own life and/or their life together. When this is the case, we can almost always help them get "unstuck" by simply being curious about their situation with them. We wonder together why they are stuck. We dig deep with questions. To gain a deeper understanding of what is happening, we work together to ask "why" and to explore new ways of solving a problem.  

That's right, we follow the lead of Curious George and the example of young children by continuously asking why and constantly exploring new ways of doing or seeing things. And often, we, and the people we serve, are surprised by the "unintended consequences" that might include a new perspective, enhanced compassion, and understanding, integration of emotions that had been disowned, and greater self-compassion, to name a few.

Given the power of curiosity in helping people to heal, it is worth noting that the word curious comes from the same root as the words cure and care. To be curious is to care enough to get to know others (or yourself, for that matter) for who they really are, rather than simply assuming we already know who they are. Curiosity can also help us understand what they mean by their actions or statements. Remaining curious about another is a way to show we care and can have a healing effect on a relationship. 

Think for a moment how wonderfully caring it feels when others are curious enough to take the time to get to know you and who you really are. Or think of a time that you may have initially judged others, only to feel compassion towards them later after you learned more about what was actually going on in their lives.  

Our experience, both personally and professionally, repeatedly affirms the wisdom of the quote at the top of this column: "Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness."

Making It Personal

1. Do you see a connection between curiosity and happiness?

2. Can you think of a time when your being judgmental got in the way of being curious about yourself or another?

3. What are you curious about in your life right now?