"Sharing Light with Each Other" Season 4, Ep. 15, Dec. 20, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Sharing Light with Each Other

The holiday season is a season of lights. As we approach the darkest day of the year, it’s good to remember that lights symbolize hope, a symbol central to both Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations, along with many other traditions.

Have you ever noticed that when a tragic event occurs in a community, one of the most common responses is to host a candlelight vigil? This a place where people come together to find strength in each other, and in the small, simple act of lighting each other’s candles. 

And have you ever stopped to think that when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your light? If you have ten dollars and give five to a friend, monetarily you have half of what you had at the beginning. On the other hand, we can share the light of a candle with countless others, and still, our light burns brightly just the same.  

As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, our hope is that we can all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. 

Wishing you all wonderful light-filled holidays, we close with words from Mary Oliver, a favorite poet of ours:

"But I also say this:

that light is an invitation to happiness,

and that happiness, when it's done right,

is a kind of holiness,

palpable and redemptive."

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season," Season 4, Ep. 14, Dec. 13, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season

Thank you to the reader that wrote us in response to last week’s column: “I like the idea of focusing on presence over presents this time of year. Can you give me a suggestion on how to do that?”

We would be happy to!  And so here’s one idea.

Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and yet, sometimes, our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns where family members is concerned may be magnified as we  find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see.

There is a principle that speaks of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life, including our relationships. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few. A beginner’s mind is humble, curious, and open to whatever is to be.

What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold.

Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly Uncle Bob or Cousin Latoya is going to talk about again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we  commit to practicing wonder and openness and learning more about who they are, and come up to each person as if we are meeting them for the first time.

When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we used this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?

The saying “you can’t step in the same river twice” could be adapted to remind us that “you can’t talk to the same person twice.”  Just like the river, the person you are talking to in the present moment is not the same person they were a year ago, or even a month ago—and for that matter, neither are you.

There are many ways we can focus on presence, and not just presents, this holiday season. How we do so is not important, but that we do so, is one way to find more meaning in the holidays this year.

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose" Season 4, Episode 13

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose

No one likes to encounter turbulence while flying. However, two things can significantly reduce our anxiety in those bumpy moments: forewarning and preparation.

When the captain announces ahead of time, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're expecting some turbulence during the flight so please fasten your seat belts," it shifts the experience. When the turbulence does happen, we feel reassured, knowing the captain anticipated it and is in control. Compare this to a flight where there's no warning, and the turbulence catches everyone off guard. Suddenly, the captain comes on the loudspeaker, urgently telling passengers to sit down and buckle up. The lack of preparation creates unnecessary stress.

With this metaphor in mind, consider this is your captain's announcement as we begin our journey through the holiday season: “There will likely be turbulence ahead”.

Navigating the joys and stresses of the holidays can be challenging. In fact, a recent mental health study found that 68% of people experience high levels of stress and worry during this time of year. As therapists, this is our busiest time of year.

Let's normalize that the holidays can be a vulnerable time of year. All of our emotions are magnified—our joys and our sorrows. Grief is common as we miss people who are not with us this year for any number of reasons. Financial pressures intensify this time of year as well. The pressure to overindulge in food, alcohol, as well as activities is substantial. And it's easy to compare our "insides" to everyone else's "outsides," thinking that we are the only ones not having the "perfect" holiday season—whatever that may be.

Here are a few tips to  help you navigate the holidays with more peace and purpose and reduce the possible emotional turbulence you may  experience during the holidays:

Focus on the meaning of the season.

Shift your attention to the spiritual and core values that resonate with you. Resist the commercialism that often leaves us feeling like we're not enough.

Prioritize presence over presents.

Find shared meaning with a supportive community. Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Volunteer your time to an organization needing extra help during the holidays. Send a gratitude message to someone. Presence actually means more in the long run than presents.

Honor all your emotions.

The holidays don't have to be the "happiest time of the year" if that's not what you're feeling. Let yourself experience your emotions—joy, sadness, nostalgia, stress, or even ambivalence—without judgment. All are ok and expected.

Practice self-care.

Make intentional decisions about rest, movement, spending, eating, and drinking. Setting healthy boundaries and listening to your own needs will protect your energy so that you have more of it to share.

Making a plan right now about how we will navigate the holidays will help us stay centered (and prepare for possible turbulence)  this time of year, one that is filled with both joy and vulnerability.  

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Find, Remind, and Bind," Season 4, Episode 12

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it feels only natural to turn our attention to gratitude—a cornerstone of this season. Let’s take a moment to reflect on three simple but powerful words: find, remind, and bind.

Find: Seek out fresh reasons to be grateful for the people in your life—family, friends, colleagues, and even those fleeting encounters with strangers. There’s always something new to discover when we open our hearts to appreciation.

Remind: Once you uncover those moments of gratitude, don’t let them go unspoken. As William Arthur Ward wisely said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Remind others of how much they mean to you—not just for what they do, but for who they are. A kind word, a heartfelt note, or even a simple smile can make all the difference.

Bind: Gratitude isn’t just a feeling; it’s a force that strengthens the bonds between us. In a world woven together by interdependence, every act of appreciation reinforces the connections that hold us together.

So, as you navigate this season of thanks, keep these three words close to your heart: Find. Remind. Bind. They’re a gentle reminder that gratitude, when shared, has the power to uplift us all.

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles," Season 4, Episode 11

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles

We recently watched a video by a fitness trainer who repeated the phrase “use it or lose it” several times. She was talking about how if we don’t regularly use and stretch our muscles, they will gradually lose their strength and flexibility.  In this month of November, when we commonly focus on giving thanks, we thought that was a good metaphor and got us to thinking.

It’s essential to exercise and stretch our gratitude muscles on a regular basis as well. If we don’t regularly practice gratitude, we can easily become a bit weak and stiff in this area of wellbeing and fail to notice the wonderful things happening around us.

Research has even shown that gratitude practices positively affect several of the areas included in our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing: Emotions, Relationships, Spirituality, Resilience, and Physical health.

Gratitude practices can include simple things such as keeping a gratitude journal, making an intention to express gratitude to at least one person every day, sending a gratitude letter, email, or text to a friend, making a gratitude phone call, or creating a jar of gratitudes on slips of paper with the slips being pulled out and read from time to time. Sharing these expressions or gratitude can be a fun family or friend activity, as it brings awareness to all that we are grateful for and helps create a mindset of gratitude for the gathering.

We have found it especially powerful to express gratitude to others that is separate from something they may have done for us, but instead focusing more on who they are as a person. An example might be “I don’t think I have told you recently, how grateful I am to have you as a friend/partner/sibling/child/parent…”  which has the power to make such a difference for the person hearing those words.  

Strengthening our gratitude muscles means expressing thanks to others more often. Stretching our gratitude muscles means extending our expressions of gratitude to people we may not be in the habit of appreciating.  

Holly, for example, recently facilitated a workshop for some school counselors and made it a point to begin with these words: “Before I get into the topic of this workshop, I just want to take a few moments to tell each of you how grateful I am for what you do every day. You give your heart and soul to your students, and you absorb an incredible amount of stress and suffering every day. Our world is a better place because of you and what you do.” Several counselors teared up and deeply thanked her when the workshop was over, thanking her for simply remembering the important work they do every day.  

If you have ever worked with a fitness trainer, you know that they often give you a specific goal to strive for, so we would like to do the same.

Try committing to expressing gratitude to at least one person daily for the remainder of November. Or maybe even two or three people each day. And stretch yourself to see how many new opportunities you can discover to express gratitude. Not only will the people you are offering appreciation to feel good, but your own wellbeing will be enhanced as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Love Is Greater than Fear," Season 4, Episode 10

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Love Is Greater than Fear

We love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature. 

Several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a remote park accessible only by canoe. We remember well an experience we had one stormy day.  Having awoken early, we were deciding whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as the sky was dark. Holly thought we should stay where we were on shore rather than brave it. Scott thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake, a mile away, before the storm arrived, as we had to do it soon to meet our outfitter on schedule.  After a brief discussion and with no cell service to check the weather, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. We loaded the canoe with all our packs and took off across the very large lake. 

A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. We were at least fifteen minutes from the closest shore when Scott noticed that the storm had come up behind us. The sky became increasingly dark in the next few minutes, the wind whipped around us, and the temperature dropped. Soon, there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with fear.

So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation.  We began to argue right there in the middle of the lake!  The argument started when Holly raised her voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't have come out here today!" Soon the shouting went back and forth, with Scott asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder?"  "Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to frantically debate about which point of land to head towards.

After a few minutes of futile arguing, we agreed to stop talking and focus instead on safely getting to the nearest shore. Fortunately, a while later, when we were safe on shore and calmed down, we realized we had not really been mad at each other. Instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other in our fear. The storm was the "problem," and yet, in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily perceived each other as the "problem."

We have had the opportunity to lead many family and parent classes and retreats over the years, and we often share this story. Frequently, it is one of the things people say they remember most from our time together. They have often shared with us later that it was so helpful to realize that when they were in conflict and turning against each other that the real issue was usually not either person but the complex problem they were facing. When they realized this, they could choose to work together to face the situation as a team rather than continue to blame one another. 

We close with the quote from Aldous Huxley in the photo above, which nicely summarizes what we have written. 

"Love casts our fear:

but conversely fear  casts out love.

And not only love.

Fear also casts out intelligence,

casts out goodness,

casts out all thought of beauty and truth."

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Don't Ghost Your Feelings" Season 4, Episode 9

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Don’t Ghost Your Feelings!

We met with a group of school counselors recently, and the words on the T-shirts caught our attention: “Don’t Ghost Your Feelings. Instead, Share Them with Others.” October is National Depression Awareness Month, and with Halloween taking place in October, they had found a fun way to communicate an important message to their students.

The word “ghosting” became popular a decade ago and even entered the Webster dictionary in 2017. It originated as a term in the online dating world to describe a person who suddenly ends all communication with someone with whom they had been talking. They no longer respond to texts, emails, or calls, having given no explanation for their becoming like “ghosts” and completely disappearing.  People willing to talk about why they ghosted someone have usually stated that they were too uncomfortable communicating openly and honestly with others, so they found it easier to ignore the topic or the person completely. 

The term ghosting has been expanded to include completely ignoring or avoiding an uncomfortable topic. So, for example, we sometimes hear comments like, “Whenever I say I want to talk about our finances, you ghost me.” This means the person who doesn’t want to talk about finances isn’t being argumentative —they are just disappearing, pretending like they didn’t even hear the other person. 

Returning to the school counselors’ T-shirts, ghosting one’s feelings means acting like they don’t exist. Instead of ghosting, the school counselors regularly teach how to become comfortable with the full range of emotions so that students can become more skilled at both feeling and expressing what they are feeling. They are encouraging them to do so even when doing so makes them feel quite vulnerable.

The wise wisdom offered by the school counselors is good advice for all of us. Halloween may be over, but the wisdom of not ghosting our feelings remains relevant all year. 

Trick or treat? Ghosting our emotions can be a trick we play on ourselves and others. Becoming more comfortable expressing our feelings, on the other hand, is a treat we can give ourselves and our relationships. 

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It" Season 4, Episode 8

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It

Last week, we had the honor of presenting our Wellness Compass resources at the annual Wisconsin Mental Health and Recovery Conference. A thousand providers from around the Midwest were in attendance, and it was truly an inspiring experience to meet so many people on the front lines every day helping to relieve suffering and, in so doing, making the world a better place.

One of the keynote speakers for the conference was Tom Farley.  Tom is the older brother of Chris Farley, the famous comedian who died tragically of a drug overdose in 1997 at the age of 33.

Tom shared with us that, like his brother Chris, he has also struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Now in recovery, for many years, Tom is now a motivational speaker who tells his story at conferences and high schools around the country of getting in touch with his emotions as part of his recovery.

Tom, following the tradition of his family, is quite funny. He said he learned how to be witty from his earliest days of growing up in his family. He explained that their family had one tool in its emotional toolbox and that was the tool of humor. No matter the issue of the day for their family, be it a disappointment in someone’s sporting endeavor,  an argument with a friend, or a struggle in academics, they always found a way to joke about it. He went on to say that as he started his journey in recovery, he had to learn something he did not know from his childhood, and that was how to identify and express all of his emotions.

His ongoing growth has been to integrate his humor with his capacity to be serious and real. Unlike his childhood, when humor was used to mask and hide more complicated emotions, he is now comfortable with the full range of emotions, from the very serious to the very funny.

His talk resonated with what we also teach regarding our emotional and relational wellbeing. The capacity to feel and express the full range of emotions is foundational for emotional and relational health. Humor, when used creatively and with loving intention, helps us all. But when used to mask our feelings, or when our intent is to be hurtful or cutting of ourselves or another, humor can create a divide between us and others we care about, and diminish everyone’s wellbeing.

We invite you to reflect on how you use humor in your life and your relationships. Perhaps you might become aware that you would like more of the positive experience of humor. Or perhaps you might become aware of how you sometimes use humor that is not so helpful in your relationships.  

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?" Season 4, Episode 7

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?

This week, we have a simple yet very effective tip regarding communication in our relationships. 

When a person is talking to you about something that is upsetting them, discern within yourself whether they are seeking comfort or solutions. Typically, the more emotionally upset they are, the more they are seeking and needing comfort. If you are not sure, the best thing to do is ask. While this sounds simple, it is often difficult to remember to put into practice.

When we offer advice or try to fix a problem that another person is having, and that is not what they are seeking, such advice will almost always result in further hurt and anger, as they are probably emotionally flooded. The "helper" often tries to recover by saying, "I was just trying to help," and may now feel hurt and angry as well. If their intention to help had been guided by the question, "Are they seeking comfort or solutions?" they likely would have fared better.

In general, we will never regret offering comforting responses, such as, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I  see why you are so upset," "I've got your back," or "I am here for you any time you need to talk." If we start with offering comfort, and then the person wants advice at some point, they will more likely feel safe asking for it.  If, on the other hand,  we begin by providing solutions, we may not ever get the chance to truly offer comfort as the person may now be even more upset.

The  "fix-it" response may seem wise as we may think we know exactly what the person needs to do-- and after all, isn't that the best thing we can offer?  No, it's not—not if the person isn't wanting advice.

We can also apply this wisdom of asking for comfort rather than solutions to guide our talking with others when we are upset.  Rather than merely hoping and assuming that the other person knows what we need, it's good practice actually to let them know. "I have something I need to talk about right now, and just to be clear, I am not looking for advice or solutions. I simply need someone to listen to my feelings and frustration right now," might be a good way to start.

Making it Personal: As you go through your weeks, watch for opportunities to practice deciding if you or another needs comfort or solutions in times of stress, and let us know how it goes. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Listening to Understand Rather Than to Respond" Season 4, Episode 6

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Choose Being Kind Over Being Right

We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended.

While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week.

1. Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you.  Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right." 

2. Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem.  In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships. 

3. Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict. 

 "I feel like  I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become. 

I'm sorry and want to change that." 

When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response.  Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften. 

Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week. 

Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you. 

Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Choose Being Kind Over Being Right," Season 4, Episode 5

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Choose Being Kind Over Being Right

We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended.

While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week.

1. Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you.  Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right." 

2. Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem.  In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships. 

3. Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict. 

 "I feel like  I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become. 

I'm sorry and want to change that." 

When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response.  Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften. 

Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week. 

Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you. 

Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"That's a Great Question!" Season 4, Episode 4

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

That’s a Great Question

As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions."  The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as  teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing."

When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship. 

So….what constitutes a great question?  Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours. 

A great question …

*…is open-ended. 

A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no."  "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection.

*…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better.  

"How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?" 

"If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?" 

"What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?"  

These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities.

*…is comfortable asking about feelings. 

"The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know." 

"You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?" 

To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

*…is comfortable with silence. 

Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another. 

*…is neutral and free of bias.  

"You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral.  

Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?"

*…is asked with one's full, undivided attention. 

The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words. 

Of course, we ask lots of questions in relationships, and most of them don’t have to rise to the level of being great. But a just few great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, can make all the difference in our relationships. 

As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well. 

Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Loving Speech," Season 4, Episode 3

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Loving Speech

We continue to be deeply grateful for the responses from our column readers and podcast listeners. One common wondering, that we have noticed arising in many of the concerns that have been shared, is how to navigate conflict.

While every situation is unique, one timeless principle that applies to both repairing and strengthening relationships, be they in conflict or not, is the practice of loving speech.

The quote from Rumi in the accompanying photo beautifully captures what loving speech looks like, known as the three gates of loving speech: It is true. It is necessary. It is kind.

These three attributes invite us to reflect not just on the words and tone we use, but also on the true intention behind our speech.  This self awareness is crucial, especially when we are in conflict with someone.  Are we speaking to "win" an argument, or is it to create a space where differences or concerns can be calmly explored, allowing possible compromises or solutions to emerge? Is our intention to "one up" the other, or is it to approach the other with humility, acknowledging our own part in the conflict?  Both our words and our intentions will make all the difference in how the conversation unfolds.  

Rumi’s advice to consider these attributes before we speak (Is it true? kind? necessary?) is invaluable, though admittedly can be challenging in the heat of the moment. We have found it equally helpful to reflect on these "gates" of loving speech even after a conversation has taken place. The morning after a difficult discussion, for instance, we may realize our words were not as kind, necessary, true, or even helpful as we wish they had been. We may regret our part in the interaction. If so, considering whether we did indeed use loving speech or not gives us the opportunity to reach out and apologize if we fell short, repairing any hurt we may have caused.

These ideals of loving speech are just that—ideals to strive for. Remember, strengthening or rebuilding relationships is always about progress, not perfection. 

Making it Personal:  As you go about your week, we encourage you to experiment with these principles of loving speech, and observe whether they make a difference in your interactions. Practice asking yourself both before and after a conversation if what you are about to say or have said is kind, true, and necessary.  Is it loving speech?  If not, take some time to think about how you could rephrase your words so they can fit through the three gates of loving speech. You will not regret it, we are sure.    And we’d love to hear how it goes.

Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

What We Pay Attention to in Our Relationships is What Will Grow, Season 4, Episode 2

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

What We Pay Attention to in Our Relationships is What Will Grow.

As we announced last week in our first column for this “season” (September 2024-May 2025), our focus for this season will be relationships.  Based on the number of responses we got from our column readers and podcast listeners, we know we are not alone in both having joys in our relationships that we celebrate as well as challenges that we sometimes face. Thank you to everyone who shared your joys, concerns, and time-tested advice for building and maintaining strong emotional connections. We are still reading through the responses and look forward to sharing some of them (anonymously, of course) in future columns and addressing the many questions you have raised.

Our lesson for this week is simple in concept and yet sometimes challenging to remember: What we pay attention to in our relationships is what will grow. 

Getting stuck in a loop of complaints and what’s “wrong” in any relationship is not uncommon. This focus can quickly become a bad habit loop, especially when both people are engaged in the cycle. The more attention we give to the negative aspects of another or a relationship, the more significant those aspects seem to become, creating a cycle where conflict can grow and eventually overshadow what is good.

However, when we shift our focus to the positive—such as qualities we love or value in the other person—something powerful happens. As people begin to reflect on what they appreciate or love about the other person the tension often eases. What we focus on grows. If we choose to focus on appreciation, kindness, and love, those aspects can begin to flourish again in the relationship. This focus in and of itself may not resolve the conflicts that sparked the negative cycle, but it does provide us the perspective and the space we need to address the inevitable conflicts or differences in opinion that come up in all relationships. 

Several years ago, we were asked to consult with a group of nonprofit leaders who were stuck in a cycle of conflict and criticism. A few important issues were at the center of their negative cycle. In our first two meetings with them, we chose not to address directly the conflicts they were experiencing, but instead, we spent intentional time having them tell us what they loved most and were most proud of in their work with this organization.  Most of them had been there a long time and so they had many beautiful stories to share. As these stories were shared we could feel the tension in the room begin to subside.  And once the tension was reduced and they were able to remember the bigger context of their important mission, they were able to work more creatively in resolving the genuine conflicts they were still facing. 

A good piece of advice often given to parents is to, “Catch your children doing something good.” This advice is especially helpful if the parent has been focusing on their child’s negative behavior and losing sight of the good that is inevitably also occurring. This great advice actually works well in all relationships, so it is wise for all of us to remember it.  

Let’s remember to catch each other doing something good and freely express our appreciation. Doing so will strengthen our relationships and give us calmer, more creative spaces to address any conflicts we might have. 

Making It Personal: As always, we invite you to apply anything that has been helpful here to your own life.  What matters most is not what we write or say but whether any of this helps you to be more aware and intentional in your life and relationships. 

What’s one takeaway from this column you might put into practice this week? What specifically could you do?

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Back to School: Lifelong Learning in Relationships, September 5, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Back to School: Lifelong Learning in Relationships

As the new school year begins, so does a new season for our Weekly Wellness Compass column and podcast. After a summer break, we're excited to embark on another year of exploration and growth with you. For those unfamiliar with our work, we are the co-founders of the nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative. For the past sixteen years, we've supported people worldwide on their journey toward wellness and wholeness.

This time of year often inspires a renewed commitment to growth and learning. In that spirit, we've decided to focus this "school year" on relationships—one of the eight areas of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Wellbeing. As marriage and family therapists, we've seen how the quality of our relationships profoundly impacts our overall wellbeing, and that's why this year, relationships will be the central theme of our column and podcast.

How we interact with others significantly shapes our lives, whether in marriage, friendship, a family bond, or a workplace relationship. We've learned that being in relationships is a continuous learning process offered to us over the years—both in our personal journeys (we just celebrated 47 years of marriage) and in our professional practices.

We often hear people say, "If only the other person would change, things would be better." It's easy to view our relationships from a distance, pointing out what's wrong with the other person. But the truth is, we are co-creators in every relationship. The way we show up—our energy, words, and actions—significantly shapes these connections.

In our work, we've met many people who feel stuck and frustrated by a partner, child, colleague, or friend. They come to us hoping to change the other person, but we emphasize the power they have within themselves to influence the relationship. This isn't about control; it's about recognizing the impact we can have through our own behavior.

We like to think of this journey as being in a lifelong school of relationships. Just as students return to school to learn and grow, we, too, are continuously learning and growing, as we are all in a multitude of relationships. Relationships are never static. As we change and the people we are in relationships with change, there is always more to learn and practice.

This year, we invite you to become more intentional about your relationships. Whether it's a long-term relationship with established patterns or a new one full of possibilities, you have the power to influence its direction. Even longstanding relationships can change and grow when we approach them with awareness and intention.

Relationships don't just happen to us; we co-create them every day. Let's commit to being lifelong learners in this school of human connection, continuously evolving and enhancing the quality of our relationships—and in turn, our lives.

The bell is about to ring, so we will wrap up this week’s class. We’ll be back next week as we continue learning how to strengthen our relationships together.

Optional Homework: If you had one piece of advice to offer on the key to strong relationships, what would it be? Is there a relationship that is inviting you to learn something new right now?

We also invite you to send us any relationship questions you have so we can know the kinds of concerns that are on our readers’ minds.  If we address your question in a future column or podcast, we will, of course, keep your identity anonymous.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn," Season 3, Episode 31

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn

We are traveling to Dharamsala, India, next week for a two-week conference on Eastern (Tibetan Buddhist) and Western perspectives on resilience, trauma, and mental health. We are honored to have been invited to present our work, the Wellness Compass Initiative, yet we are most looking forward to listening to our hosts and learning about their unique cultural and religious wisdom and perspectives on enhancing resilience.

As we prepare to go to Dharamsala, we know that we will benefit much more from listening to others than from speaking. This is almost always the case, and so today's column focuses on the importance of listening. It also concludes our six-part series on some of the core practices for enhancing our wellbeing.

Deep listening is powerful as it opens new doors of learning by helping us to understand our own needs, better empathize with others, and foster more meaningful connections. Thus it's a practice that enhances our wellbeing in all aspects of life.

When we listen deeply to ourselves, we learn what we long for and, in turn, what part of our wellbeing might need attention. When we listen deeply to others, we enhance our relationships with them. When we are open to listening to those who are different from us, we build bridges of connection and understanding. Our spiritual wellbeing can also be nurtured and strengthened when we listen to what is sacred for us.

The more we learn to listen, the more we will learn from our listening. 

This column concludes our season of weekly columns and podcasts as we will be  taking a break for the summer. The column and podcast will return the first week of September.

Whether you've recently joined our community or have been with us since the inception of this column in 2008, we sincerely appreciate your engagement. Your responses have been invaluable in shaping our content. Thank you for ‘listening.'

 We wish you all a wonderful summer. May it be a time full of wonder, deep listening, and learning.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Lessons Learned From a Garage Sale," Season 3, Episode 30

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Lessons Learned From a Garage Sale

We recently stopped by a garage sale in our neighborhood. When talking with the owners, they told us that they have been having a spring garage sale every couple of years ever since they moved into their home some twenty years ago. They said it was the perfect combination of spring cleaning and the need to remember to regularly let go of things they don't need anymore. We were so inspired that we are now seriously thinking of having a similar sale ourselves. 

As we are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing, we wanted to acknowledge the importance of practicing all of the shapes and sizes of "letting go" that present themselves throughout our lives.

Thinking about this reminded us of a conversation we had several years ago with a rather large group of people regarding the act of letting go throughout life. We asked the people present to share the challenges they were currently facing related to our topic. They wrote their anonymous responses on index cards, and we collected them and read them out loud for everyone as a way to normalize the many ways in which the challenges of letting go come up for all of us. Here are some of their responses: 

"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my children. It's important and hard for me to remember from time to time that it is their life, not mine."

"I find it challenging to let go of anger."

"For me, I have trouble letting go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me." 

"I find as I get older it is hard, yet necessary, for me to let go of furniture and other possessions that have sentimental value to me."

" Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of." 

"During Covid, I had to learn to let go of so many plans."

"Letting go of things I had hoped would happen, but am now sure will not happen is hard for me, as I realize how little control I really have."

"I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of. I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her. I'm 93 years old and still working on all of this!"

"I am finding it definitely challenging to let go of my youth."

"I am such a worrier. I am really working on letting go of my worries about the future."

"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me."

We were moved by the depth of what was offered by these people. What they shared was such a powerful reminder that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry. It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were also struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience for all of us there, as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.

During the last portion of our time together, we asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared. The common responses were talking with others in similar situations and getting their support, normalizing that everyone is facing some kind of challenge around letting go and their spiritual lives. What is known as the Serenity Prayer was shared by many. The profound wisdom of this prayer is that it talks about finding serenity in accepting the things we cannot control or change, having the courage to change the things one can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life happens. Loss happens. Hurt happens. Change happens. At the same time, though, healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and letting go happens. And, as Spring reminds us, new beginnings can and do consistently occur all around us, too. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Normalizing Life's Ups and Downs," Season 3, Episode 29

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Normalizing Life's Ups and Downs

This week I (Holly) had the honor of participating in a Mental Health Resource Fair at a local Wisconsin combined public middle and high school in the district of Beloit-Turner. Before becoming a therapist fifteen years ago, I spent many years as a teacher. So this was an excellent opportunity to spend a day back in a school, combining my experience and love for helping young people with supporting the school's efforts to normalize mental health for their students and staff. 

In addition to representing our Wellness Compass Initiative, I was joined by quite a few other community nonprofits that are each doing their part to support the mental health and wellbeing of teens and their families. I was inspired by the collective commitment of so many caring souls.

While this was the first time we participated in this day, this district has offered a variety of mental health programs for their students for many years. They are doing their part in reducing the stigma about mental health challenges every day. Many students shared with me some of the ups and downs they are currently facing: an important grandmother having to move away, losing a friend, and going to a new school next year where they know no one. 

It was an honor to be trusted by them and to validate and normalize what they were experiencing. Many students reported that they felt fortunate to be in a school where they could talk openly with teachers, counselors, and other students about the challenges they were facing. They said they felt so much support knowing they were not alone in their struggles. 

We are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing. And so, in today's column, in honor of what the students reminded us of this week, we want to lift up the importance of normalizing and accepting the ups and downs, the highs and lows of life. Challenges are not just for middle school and high school students alone. It's not like we outgrow the hard times and challenges that life sometimes gives us. Just as at every stage of life, we experience physical aches and pains—some minor, some quite serious—so, too, we all experience emotional aches and pains of varying degrees. Accepting these as the normal processes of life, rather than rare exceptions or things to be embarrassed about, does much to help us be open to sharing and supporting one another.

Imagine the possibility of having regular mental health resource fairs, not just in our schools but in our neighborhoods, workplaces, faith centers, and our larger communities. We could all gather to share what we are facing and seek support. In doing so, we would be doing so much to enhance not just our own personal wellbeing, but the wellbeing of our communities as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Knowing When to Push the Pause Button," Season 3, Episode 28

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Knowing When to Push the Pause Button

One of our grandsons recently taught us a helpful mindfulness technique he learned in school called “take five.” You hold one hand up with your fingers stretched out. With the other hand, beginning where your thumb and wrist adjoin, slowly move your index finger up and down each finger, taking a deep breath as you go up and then exhaling as you move downward, eventually tracing each finger. This is what his teacher taught the students to do when they feel stressed. This is also a great way for all of us to help reset ourselves when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. 

Knowing when to pause and reset is a core component of emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational wellbeing, and that is why we are focusing on it in this third column in our series on foundational practices for enhancing our overall wellness. 

In the quote at the top of the column, Lori Deschene provides a helpful list of when pausing is vital. The list is a good place to start, and it can also help us think of a few other times when we may need to pause in our daily lives.

Pause to listen more before being quick to speak. 

Pause before sending emotionally charged emails or other messages. 

Pause to examine our own biases.

Pause before speaking unkindly or gossiping about someone. 

Pause when feeling impatient. 

Pause when feeling stressed. 

Pause when becoming overwhelmed.

Pause before being quick to defend yourself.

Pause before posting heated comments on social media.

Pause when you find yourself feeling emotionally flooded.

Pause when you are exhausted. 

Pause when you disagree with another.

And, just as important, pause to observe the positive around you, things that pausing allows us to see. 

You undoubtedly have specific examples from your life to add to this list. Maybe this would be a good time to, well….pause, and think about what they are. 

However we “take five” or “practice the pause,” knowing when to do so will enhance our wellbeing and the wellbeing of those with whom we are connected.   

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Is There Anything You Might Be Pretending Not to Know?," Season 3, Episode 27

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Is There Anything You Might Be Pretending Not to Know?

Imagine the following exchange between two people who are closely connected. 

Person 1: "I have found you to be quite argumentative and defensive recently, and I am feeling hurt by how you habitually respond to me in this way."

Person 2: (Said with great intensity and heated emotion) "What are you even talking about??!! I have NOT been argumentative and defensive at all!"

Person 1: (Silence, just looking at the other person with curiosity).

Person 2: (Sheepishly adds) "Um, maybe the way I just responded to you is kind of what you are talking about? I guess I have kind of been acting like a jerk lately."  

Person 1: "Yes, and thank you for being willing to notice that. Let's talk more about what's going on."

In our multi-part series on key practices for enhancing our wellbeing, we are focusing on the importance of self-awareness this week.  

The fictional exchange above illustrates that change can only begin once self-awareness exists. If Person 2 in the conversation had only stayed defensive and argumentative, never acknowledging any truth to what Person 1 was saying, no change would be possible then.  

Susan Scott is an author we both like and in her book Fierce Conversations, she has a great coaching question. "What, if anything, are you pretending not to know right now?" What we like about this question is that it reminds us that sometimes there are things we are struggling with that we, at one level, know we need to face, but are actively trying not to be aware of. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but whatever the reason, we can't begin to change something until we acknowledge it.  

Last week, we wrote about the practice of self-compassion. We started with that practice because we wanted it to guide all the other practices. With self-compassiom, and compassion from others, we are more willing and able to recognize signs that something is out of balance in our lives, whether that be in our physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual wellbeing. 

Such self-awareness might sound like this…

"I've been unusually tired lately; I wonder what that's about."

"I feel like I have lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to take some time to reflect and work on that."

"I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed with other things lately. I want you to know that I am aware of that and intend to make some changes in our relationship."

"I am aware that I have been pretending not to know that what I am currently doing is not sustainable."

"I am aware that this organization cannot simply keep doing what has always done and expect different results."

Do any of these statements connect with you or bring something related up for you in your life? How might you practice greater self-awareness (combined with self-compassion) right now? And how might doing so enhance some aspect of your wellbeing?  

  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass, our written column, to receive weekly guidance for navigating your week ahead with clear attention and intention.