"Hope Springs Eternal," March 21, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Hope Springs Eternal

Yesterday marked the first day of spring.  In Wisconsin, where we live, it was more a day of hope than one of actual warmth. As we watched two determined golfers tee off on a course still dusted with snow, we couldn’t help but think of the timeless words of English poet Alexander Pope, written in 1733: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” His words capture the enduring optimism that keeps us looking ahead, whether to the promise of blooming flowers or simply a snow-free round of golf.

This same spirit of hope is evident in another beloved springtime tradition: the NCAA College Basketball Tournaments for Men and Women. March Madness is in full swing, bringing with it the excitement of one hundred thirty-six teams (sixty-eight Men’s teams and sixty-eight Women’s teams) battling for a national championship. Players and fans alike embrace the exhilarating uncertainty, filling out their brackets in the hopes of predicting the tournament’s twists and turns. Millions take part in this annual ritual, eagerly guessing the outcomes of each of the games.

The odds of completing a perfect bracket—accurately predicting every single game—are an astonishing 9.2 quintillion to one. To put that into perspective, do you know how long 9.2 quintillion seconds adds up to? 100 years? 1,000 years? The correct answer is 292 billion years! And yet, in spite of those odds, hopeful fans enter the fray, trusting their instincts, crunching statistics, and making bold predictions—or if you are like the two of us, wild guesses. But just as quickly as hope rises, reality sets in. Unexpected upsets—known as “bracket busters”—shatter expectations, leaving participants to wonder what went wrong. With each surprising outcome, we are reminded that hope, though resilient, often requires renewal.

In many ways, sports serve as a mirror for life. Just as we faithfully fill out our brackets with expectations of success, we also approach life’s adventures—new jobs, relationships, and personal goals—hoping for clear paths and predictable outcomes. But life, like basketball, is full of surprises. Our “brackets” of carefully laid plans don’t always hold up. Unexpected challenges arise, and our best predictions fall apart. Yet, just as the teams continue to play, giving their all despite the knowledge that only one will ultimately emerge victorious, we, too, carry on.

Sixty-seven of the sixty-eight teams in both tournaments will end their season with a loss. But does that stop them from playing with heart, determination, and the belief that anything is possible? Of course not. Their love of the game and the belief that hope springs eternal keep them pushing forward. And in that, we find a powerful lesson: life isn’t about perfect predictions or avoiding failure—it’s about showing up, playing with passion, and embracing each moment, regardless of the outcome.

So, as we navigate both the unpredictability of March Madness and the uncertainties of life, we take inspiration from the athletes who give their all, even when the odds are against them. Let’s keep showing up, not because we can predict or control the future, but because we love participating in the journey. And because, no matter what, hope will always spring eternal.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Making Time for Joy," March 14, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Making Time for Joy

We both started music lessons a few weeks ago for instruments that are new for each of us. Holly is taking ukulele lessons, and Scott is taking bluegrass fiddle lessons. We had been saying we were going to do this for a long time, and now that we are enjoying it so much, we wonder why we waited so long. Making time for the lessons and practicing has reminded us how much fun making music is and how much joy it is bringing us. 

The semi-annual practice of having just changed our clocks has once again offered all of us an excellent opportunity to reflect on how we use our time. As we shifted our clocks forward, it reminded us to also consider other shifts we might want to make regarding our time.

Much like evaluating our finances—deciding how to spend, save, or share our money—considering how we spend our time can also be a meaningful practice. Taking a moment to assess how we are using our time need not be a negative experience; instead, it's a chance to recognize what's working well and where we might want to shift. That's what we did when we realized we wanted to spend less time doing passive activities and instead prioritize time learning to play new instruments. We shifted our attention and how we spend part of our time each day and week.

Sometimes, life can feel unacceptably busy, leaving little room for relaxation and peace. Other times, we may feel like we have an abundance of time on our hands but struggle to use it meaningfully. In either case, pausing to reflect on how we choose to spend our time can be valuable.

Instead of judging ourselves, we find that one simple question can be particularly helpful: "What is one thing that you could shift by spending more or less time doing this week, something that would bring you joy?"

Take a moment to ask yourself this question with kindness and curiosity. If an answer comes to mind, embrace it and take a step toward realigning your time with what truly matters to you. For us, that means making more time for the fun of music in our lives. What might it be for you?

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Are We There Yet?" March 7, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?

Everyone who has traveled on a long-distance road trip with children will get the same question at some point, as a tired voice from the backseat asks, "Are we there yet?"  

We live in Wisconsin and are known to ask similar questions related to the coming of spring. One day the sun is out and gradually melts all the snow left on the ground. A few days later, the temperatures drop twenty-five degrees, and a fresh arrival of new snow comes down, covering the ground again. When it comes to spring, we become impatient and want to know, "Are we there yet?

We just concluded another round of Wellness Circles online. Wellness Circles are our core six-week small group program that we created many years ago to bring people together to identify an area of wellness they want to enhance, and then support one another in making the desired changes that have been identified.

A few of the kinds of things people want to work in a wellness circle include:

 

I want to reconnect with my child as we haven't been getting along.

I want to find a new job.

I want to be more physically active.

I want to have a difficult conversation that I have been avoiding with someone close to me. 

I want to create a better work/life balance. 

 

Inevitably, about halfway through the six-week Wellness Circle, participants commonly become impatient with the progress they are making.  Like the children on the road trip, and with the weather here in Wisconsin, we want to know, "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking soooooo long?!"

Change always takes longer than we wish. We get tired of waiting and quickly become impatient. And change, like the weather, is not a linear process.

No matter what our intentions are, we always learn in a Wellness Circle that it is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves grace. If we are not careful, we can turn our impatience in on ourselves or direct it out toward others. Wellness Circle participants often discover how much easier it is to extend compassion and patience to others than to themselves.

We were sharing our idea for this column with a friend, and she told us that whenever she and her brother would ask her parents the road trip question, "Are we there yet?" her parents would offer this response: "No, we are not there yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." She said that as a child, that answer always frustrated her, but now, as an adult, she has come to realize that this is the best answer of all—for children and any of us who are becoming impatient with change. 

So, remember the next time that you or someone else asks, "Are we there yet? or, "When will we get there?” You can simply respond, "No, not yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"The Stories We Tell Ourselves," Feb 28, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Human beings are natural storytellers. This weekend, the Oscars will celebrate the gifted storytellers who have shared their stories through film this year. This column is about wellness, not movie reviews (although we both loved A Complete Unknown), so we would like to reflect on storytelling from a mental health perspective. 

Have you ever found yourself convinced that someone was upset with you, only to later find out that they weren’t? Or maybe you assumed that a situation would go terribly wrong, only for it to turn out just fine? These are examples of the stories we make up in our heads—stories that shape our emotions, decisions, and even our reality, even when they aren’t actually true.

Our minds are meaning-making machines. This is especially true when we are dealing with uncertainty. That’s when we are more likely to try to fill in the blanks, creating explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. The problem is that these explanations—the stories we create—are sometimes based on assumptions, past experiences, or fears rather than actual facts.

For example, a friend doesn’t text us back right away, so we create a story that they are upset with us. We receive an email and ascribe a tone to it that we actually don’t know is accurate or not. A friend or loved one is late to meet us for coffee and we create the assumption they don’t really want to spend time with us. A colleague is distracted when talking with us, and we assume they are not interested in what we are saying.

The problem with creating stories that are not true is that we often start acting as if they are true.  If we assume someone is angry with us, we may begin to act defensive, distant, or even resentful. In response, they may become confused or frustrated, reinforcing our belief that they are, in fact, upset. This is how our made-up stories can actually become self-fulfilling prophecies.

When I, Holly, was a high school teacher, I often heard students say, they would never be good at a certain subject. This sometimes caused them to not even try, which then re-enforced their beliefs.

I, Scott, was recently talking with a colleague who was yawning constantly. At one point I simply asked, “Is what I’m saying boring you?” They immediately apologized and said that they had been up most of the previous night with their sick child. If I hadn’t checked out my assumption, I might have concluded that I needed to think twice about sharing my thoughts with this person. 

 The stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, relationships, and overall wellbeing. The key is to first become more aware of them and reflect on whether they are actually true or not. It is always best to check out our assumptions.

So next time you catch yourself creating an internal storyline, pause, take a breath, and ask: Is this really true? Then, you might take the additional step of checking out any assumptions you are making. You might not get public recognition like the stars at the Oscars for doing this, but you will surely strengthen your relationships with others.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Just Bring Yourself," Feb 21, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Recently, someone invited us to dinner and, when we asked what we could bring, they replied, "Just bring yourself." That simple phrase stuck with us, not only because of its graciousness but also because of the deeper wisdom it holds.

In a world that often pressures us to do more, be more, and prove our worth through our achievements or contributions, it is nice to be reminded that our presence alone is enough. "Just bring yourself" is an invitation to show up authentically, without pretense, without the need to impress or perform. It’s a reminder that who we are, at our core, is valuable and welcomed.

Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in any relationship. When we show up as our true selves—vulnerabilities and all—we create deeper connections and invite others to do the same. Healthy relationships are built not on perfection but on presence. When we are real with one another, we cultivate trust and intimacy, creating spaces where we and others can feel seen and accepted.

Too often, we hesitate to show up fully as ourselves out of fear that we are not enough. We may feel pressure to hide our insecurities, or to present a polished version of our lives. But true connections happen not from what we do or bring, but from simply being who we are and allowing others to do the same.

In our work as marriage and family therapists, we have seen how transformational it can be when people allow themselves to be fully present. Whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a community, relationships thrive when we show up with honesty and openness rather than trying to curate a perfect image.  We are all so much more than the images we see or even share on social media.

Likewise, when we offer this same kind of acceptance to others—welcoming them just as they are—we create a ripple effect of kindness and belonging. This kind of radical hospitality affirms that each person is enough, just as they are, without conditions or expectations.

Next time you receive an invitation—whether to a dinner, a conversation, or a new opportunity—remember that the most meaningful thing you can bring is yourself. You are enough. Just bring yourself.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day," Feb 14, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

This Tuesday, I, Holly, had the privilege of spending my day in a combined Middle and High School (Turner MS/HS in Beloit, WI) for their annual Mental Health Awareness Day. During this Valentine’s week, everyone school-wide had set the day aside to focus on supporting student mental health by engaging in several different relaxing activities, engaging in group discussions on related topics, listening to speakers, and getting acquainted with all kinds of resources and organizations that work to support mental health in their area, Rock County, WI.  I was one of those people as I was there to represent our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative.

Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with most of the young people (ages 12 -18) and had the honor of listening to their concerns and desires, and meeting their friends.  I also told them about this column and the corresponding Wellness Compass podcast. As a bit of research for our column, I asked them this important question: “What kinds of things would you like me to tell the adults who listen to our podcast about  what they can do to support teen mental health?” 

Here are some of their answers:

Don’t be so judgmental.

Share stories of the mistakes you made when you were young.

Consider how you sound to others.  Bossy? Controlling? 

    Freaking Out? Supportive?

Don’t force things on us, like clubs, activities, and beliefs. Feel free to share your beliefs, but don’t force them on us.

Laugh and have fun with us.

Don’t say it’s just a phase. It is important to us now.

Encourage us.

You can say what you need to say without being mean about it. 

Check in with us on a regular basis by asking, “Are you OK?” And then really listen to what we are feeling.

Do things with us, like playing sports, hiking, and playing video games.

Honor our thoughts and opinions.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

Give us hugs.

Don’t make decisions for us.

Take interest in our interests.

Talk with us, not at us - fewer lectures and more listening, please.

As they spoke, I realized that what they were sharing with me could  be applied to any relationships that we value and care about. So, on Tuesday, out of the mouths of our young people came their suggestions for staying connected and supporting the mental health of all those we love. How appropriate for right before Valentine’s Day.

Their honest words are a good reminder for each of us as we consider how to express our love to all the important people in our lives this Valentine’s Day. 

Which of their suggestions could you give as a gift to someone on this special day?

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Rooting for Ourselves," Season 4, Ep. 19, February 7, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

There is so much in the world that needs our love and attention. It is easy to become overwhelmed. No one has enough time or energy to root for or get involved in all the good causes that need our attention and support. So it may be counterintuitive to advocate rooting for one additional thing on top of all the other pulls we may be feeling, but we need to add one more person to our list to root for--and that's ourselves.

We are thinking of two different meanings of rooting. First, we need to be advocates for ourselves. We need to tame the inner critic and be the number one cheerleader and encourager of ourselves. Second, we need to be like trees and cultivate deep inner roots to anchor us when the storms of challenging times come. 

Rooting for ourselves is an essential act of self-care, self-love, and personal growth. It is about standing in our own corner, believing in our own worth, and nurturing our own well-being. If a tree wants to grow more branches of support, it must also expand its root system to sustain its growth.

You know best what helps you feel encouraged—what fills your cup so you have something to pour from. You also know what drains your cup—perhaps it's how you speak to yourself, how busy you are, how much movement you get, and how much rest you get.

You also know what helps nurture your spiritual roots- what grounds you in challenging times. It might include meditation, time in nature, prayer, a deeper connection with a spiritual community, spiritual reading, or taking sabbath time to rest. 

The goal of self-care is not to become self-centered. The goal is to become a centered self. When we take the time to nurture our own growth and become more centered, we show up more fully in our relationships, our work, and our communities.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us," Season 4, Ep. 18, January 31, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can’t think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it’s called emotional flooding—it’s when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day.

As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur. 

Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it’s hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time.  

When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible “pit in our stomach,” racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety. 

Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment.  Rather than blaming someone else and “flying off the handle” (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship.  When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a “time out” for ourselves.  This is an example of the parenting strategy of “counting to ten” when they are feeling angry with a child.  When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help. 

1. Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths. 

2. Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example.  

3. Using “I” statements rather than accusing. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly,” is far more helpful than “You are the one that is making me act this way right now.

Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Three R's for Growing Resilience," Season 4, Ep. 17, January 24, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Three Rs for Growing Resilience

Resilience is the capacity to respond to and recover from stressful events. Research on resilience has revealed that it is not simply something we have or don’t have. What has been discovered is that several key factors—including the choices we can make and habits we can nurture—determine our capacity to be resilient. 

In our work as therapists and in our personal lives, we have found that three “Rs” are key to strengthening our resilience muscles. 

Relationships: Reaching out for support is key to resilience. If we are not careful, when we feel vulnerable, we may isolate or lash out at others when it would be our advantage to do the opposite. We need to ask for the help and support we need. The myth of the rugged individual who conquers all adversity by themselves is just that…a myth. Of course, nurturing relationships is essential for all aspects of our wellbeing at all times, not just when we are facing a challenge or setback. Sometimes, we are the ones helping friends and family through a hard time, and other times, we are the ones receiving that help and support.  

Rest: Healing and recovery always take longer than we wish. Patience is a virtue; it is also a key to resilience. When you experience a loss or a stressful event of any kind, give yourself time to heal. A sprained ankle only recovers when we provide it with rest—not by ignoring it and continuing to walk on it, trying to pretend that everything is okay. Rest is equally essential when our spirit or our emotions are sprained.  Give yourself the gift of slowing down.

Reflection: How we think about a stressful event or challenge and the thought frame we put around it will either enhance or limit our resilience.  A thought frame of “Bad things sometimes happen to good people like me, but I know that I can do hard things,” is empowering. A thought frame of, “I must deserve this because bad things always happen to me, and life isn’t fair, and I’m never going to recover from this,” will likely keep us stuck. Research has shown that our spiritual beliefs and worldviews play a crucial role in resilience. If we struggle with negative thought frames, we do not need to judge ourselves; instead, we can try to observe it within ourselves and remember that it is only a thought, not a fact. We might benefit from reaching out for professional support from a therapist or spiritual guide to help us if we find ourselves stuck in this type of thinking. 

Loss, challenges, and stressful events are inevitable. Bad things do, in fact, happen to good people. Resilience, however, is not inevitable; instead, it is enhanced by the choices we make.

Focusing today on relationships, rest, and reflection is a good start to strengthening our capacity for resilience, to help us face the struggles in front of us now, and to help prepare us for the inevitable challenges of life.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Relationship Hydration," Season 4, Ep. 16, January 10, 2025

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Relationship Hydration

While the topic of New Year’s resolutions is complicated, and it’s often difficult to know where to start, we have one very simple suggestion—a small resolution that is almost 100% guaranteed to succeed, and that will benefit not only yourself but also those around you as well.

Choose one relationship that is important to you. Make it a priority to nurture that relationship with positive thoughts, positive words, and positive actions. Offer encouragement, praise, and gratitude. Water the other person’s self-esteem. Put some air in their tires. Tell them how important they are to you. Prioritize spending time with them. If you do this regularly, you will undoubtedly see a growth in positivity and connection in that relationship.

A friend shared with us this week that their resolution for the new year after having learned from their doctor that they were chronically dehydrated was to drink more water. The doctor explained that a simple act of drinking more water would have enormous health benefits and would actually make them feel more perky and energetic as well. Thinking in analogies, as we tend to do, we thought of how relationships can also be energized or perked up when we give them more attention or “water them.” All living things need water to grow and flourish, and relationships are certainly living things, growing or wilting, depending on their environment. 

Don’t just take our word for it. Try watering a relationship and see if it makes a difference. We are confident it will and that everyone involved will appreciate the difference your efforts will make.

In our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we discuss some specific things we can do to rehydrate a relationship. Listen HERE or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Sharing Light with Each Other" Season 4, Ep. 15, Dec. 20, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Sharing Light with Each Other

The holiday season is a season of lights. As we approach the darkest day of the year, it’s good to remember that lights symbolize hope, a symbol central to both Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations, along with many other traditions.

Have you ever noticed that when a tragic event occurs in a community, one of the most common responses is to host a candlelight vigil? This a place where people come together to find strength in each other, and in the small, simple act of lighting each other’s candles. 

And have you ever stopped to think that when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your light? If you have ten dollars and give five to a friend, monetarily you have half of what you had at the beginning. On the other hand, we can share the light of a candle with countless others, and still, our light burns brightly just the same.  

As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, our hope is that we can all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. 

Wishing you all wonderful light-filled holidays, we close with words from Mary Oliver, a favorite poet of ours:

"But I also say this:

that light is an invitation to happiness,

and that happiness, when it's done right,

is a kind of holiness,

palpable and redemptive."

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season," Season 4, Ep. 14, Dec. 13, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season

Thank you to the reader that wrote us in response to last week’s column: “I like the idea of focusing on presence over presents this time of year. Can you give me a suggestion on how to do that?”

We would be happy to!  And so here’s one idea.

Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and yet, sometimes, our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns where family members is concerned may be magnified as we  find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see.

There is a principle that speaks of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life, including our relationships. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few. A beginner’s mind is humble, curious, and open to whatever is to be.

What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold.

Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly Uncle Bob or Cousin Latoya is going to talk about again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we  commit to practicing wonder and openness and learning more about who they are, and come up to each person as if we are meeting them for the first time.

When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we used this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?

The saying “you can’t step in the same river twice” could be adapted to remind us that “you can’t talk to the same person twice.”  Just like the river, the person you are talking to in the present moment is not the same person they were a year ago, or even a month ago—and for that matter, neither are you.

There are many ways we can focus on presence, and not just presents, this holiday season. How we do so is not important, but that we do so, is one way to find more meaning in the holidays this year.

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose" Season 4, Episode 13

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose

No one likes to encounter turbulence while flying. However, two things can significantly reduce our anxiety in those bumpy moments: forewarning and preparation.

When the captain announces ahead of time, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're expecting some turbulence during the flight so please fasten your seat belts," it shifts the experience. When the turbulence does happen, we feel reassured, knowing the captain anticipated it and is in control. Compare this to a flight where there's no warning, and the turbulence catches everyone off guard. Suddenly, the captain comes on the loudspeaker, urgently telling passengers to sit down and buckle up. The lack of preparation creates unnecessary stress.

With this metaphor in mind, consider this is your captain's announcement as we begin our journey through the holiday season: “There will likely be turbulence ahead”.

Navigating the joys and stresses of the holidays can be challenging. In fact, a recent mental health study found that 68% of people experience high levels of stress and worry during this time of year. As therapists, this is our busiest time of year.

Let's normalize that the holidays can be a vulnerable time of year. All of our emotions are magnified—our joys and our sorrows. Grief is common as we miss people who are not with us this year for any number of reasons. Financial pressures intensify this time of year as well. The pressure to overindulge in food, alcohol, as well as activities is substantial. And it's easy to compare our "insides" to everyone else's "outsides," thinking that we are the only ones not having the "perfect" holiday season—whatever that may be.

Here are a few tips to  help you navigate the holidays with more peace and purpose and reduce the possible emotional turbulence you may  experience during the holidays:

Focus on the meaning of the season.

Shift your attention to the spiritual and core values that resonate with you. Resist the commercialism that often leaves us feeling like we're not enough.

Prioritize presence over presents.

Find shared meaning with a supportive community. Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Volunteer your time to an organization needing extra help during the holidays. Send a gratitude message to someone. Presence actually means more in the long run than presents.

Honor all your emotions.

The holidays don't have to be the "happiest time of the year" if that's not what you're feeling. Let yourself experience your emotions—joy, sadness, nostalgia, stress, or even ambivalence—without judgment. All are ok and expected.

Practice self-care.

Make intentional decisions about rest, movement, spending, eating, and drinking. Setting healthy boundaries and listening to your own needs will protect your energy so that you have more of it to share.

Making a plan right now about how we will navigate the holidays will help us stay centered (and prepare for possible turbulence)  this time of year, one that is filled with both joy and vulnerability.  

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Find, Remind, and Bind," Season 4, Episode 12

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it feels only natural to turn our attention to gratitude—a cornerstone of this season. Let’s take a moment to reflect on three simple but powerful words: find, remind, and bind.

Find: Seek out fresh reasons to be grateful for the people in your life—family, friends, colleagues, and even those fleeting encounters with strangers. There’s always something new to discover when we open our hearts to appreciation.

Remind: Once you uncover those moments of gratitude, don’t let them go unspoken. As William Arthur Ward wisely said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Remind others of how much they mean to you—not just for what they do, but for who they are. A kind word, a heartfelt note, or even a simple smile can make all the difference.

Bind: Gratitude isn’t just a feeling; it’s a force that strengthens the bonds between us. In a world woven together by interdependence, every act of appreciation reinforces the connections that hold us together.

So, as you navigate this season of thanks, keep these three words close to your heart: Find. Remind. Bind. They’re a gentle reminder that gratitude, when shared, has the power to uplift us all.

We will be taking a break next week and will be back on the first Friday of December. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Please know how grateful we are for each of you.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles," Season 4, Episode 11

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles

We recently watched a video by a fitness trainer who repeated the phrase “use it or lose it” several times. She was talking about how if we don’t regularly use and stretch our muscles, they will gradually lose their strength and flexibility.  In this month of November, when we commonly focus on giving thanks, we thought that was a good metaphor and got us to thinking.

It’s essential to exercise and stretch our gratitude muscles on a regular basis as well. If we don’t regularly practice gratitude, we can easily become a bit weak and stiff in this area of wellbeing and fail to notice the wonderful things happening around us.

Research has even shown that gratitude practices positively affect several of the areas included in our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing: Emotions, Relationships, Spirituality, Resilience, and Physical health.

Gratitude practices can include simple things such as keeping a gratitude journal, making an intention to express gratitude to at least one person every day, sending a gratitude letter, email, or text to a friend, making a gratitude phone call, or creating a jar of gratitudes on slips of paper with the slips being pulled out and read from time to time. Sharing these expressions or gratitude can be a fun family or friend activity, as it brings awareness to all that we are grateful for and helps create a mindset of gratitude for the gathering.

We have found it especially powerful to express gratitude to others that is separate from something they may have done for us, but instead focusing more on who they are as a person. An example might be “I don’t think I have told you recently, how grateful I am to have you as a friend/partner/sibling/child/parent…”  which has the power to make such a difference for the person hearing those words.  

Strengthening our gratitude muscles means expressing thanks to others more often. Stretching our gratitude muscles means extending our expressions of gratitude to people we may not be in the habit of appreciating.  

Holly, for example, recently facilitated a workshop for some school counselors and made it a point to begin with these words: “Before I get into the topic of this workshop, I just want to take a few moments to tell each of you how grateful I am for what you do every day. You give your heart and soul to your students, and you absorb an incredible amount of stress and suffering every day. Our world is a better place because of you and what you do.” Several counselors teared up and deeply thanked her when the workshop was over, thanking her for simply remembering the important work they do every day.  

If you have ever worked with a fitness trainer, you know that they often give you a specific goal to strive for, so we would like to do the same.

Try committing to expressing gratitude to at least one person daily for the remainder of November. Or maybe even two or three people each day. And stretch yourself to see how many new opportunities you can discover to express gratitude. Not only will the people you are offering appreciation to feel good, but your own wellbeing will be enhanced as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Love Is Greater than Fear," Season 4, Episode 10

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Love Is Greater than Fear

We love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature. 

Several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a remote park accessible only by canoe. We remember well an experience we had one stormy day.  Having awoken early, we were deciding whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as the sky was dark. Holly thought we should stay where we were on shore rather than brave it. Scott thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake, a mile away, before the storm arrived, as we had to do it soon to meet our outfitter on schedule.  After a brief discussion and with no cell service to check the weather, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. We loaded the canoe with all our packs and took off across the very large lake. 

A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. We were at least fifteen minutes from the closest shore when Scott noticed that the storm had come up behind us. The sky became increasingly dark in the next few minutes, the wind whipped around us, and the temperature dropped. Soon, there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with fear.

So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation.  We began to argue right there in the middle of the lake!  The argument started when Holly raised her voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't have come out here today!" Soon the shouting went back and forth, with Scott asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder?"  "Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to frantically debate about which point of land to head towards.

After a few minutes of futile arguing, we agreed to stop talking and focus instead on safely getting to the nearest shore. Fortunately, a while later, when we were safe on shore and calmed down, we realized we had not really been mad at each other. Instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other in our fear. The storm was the "problem," and yet, in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily perceived each other as the "problem."

We have had the opportunity to lead many family and parent classes and retreats over the years, and we often share this story. Frequently, it is one of the things people say they remember most from our time together. They have often shared with us later that it was so helpful to realize that when they were in conflict and turning against each other that the real issue was usually not either person but the complex problem they were facing. When they realized this, they could choose to work together to face the situation as a team rather than continue to blame one another. 

We close with the quote from Aldous Huxley in the photo above, which nicely summarizes what we have written. 

"Love casts our fear:

but conversely fear  casts out love.

And not only love.

Fear also casts out intelligence,

casts out goodness,

casts out all thought of beauty and truth."

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Don't Ghost Your Feelings" Season 4, Episode 9

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Don’t Ghost Your Feelings!

We met with a group of school counselors recently, and the words on the T-shirts caught our attention: “Don’t Ghost Your Feelings. Instead, Share Them with Others.” October is National Depression Awareness Month, and with Halloween taking place in October, they had found a fun way to communicate an important message to their students.

The word “ghosting” became popular a decade ago and even entered the Webster dictionary in 2017. It originated as a term in the online dating world to describe a person who suddenly ends all communication with someone with whom they had been talking. They no longer respond to texts, emails, or calls, having given no explanation for their becoming like “ghosts” and completely disappearing.  People willing to talk about why they ghosted someone have usually stated that they were too uncomfortable communicating openly and honestly with others, so they found it easier to ignore the topic or the person completely. 

The term ghosting has been expanded to include completely ignoring or avoiding an uncomfortable topic. So, for example, we sometimes hear comments like, “Whenever I say I want to talk about our finances, you ghost me.” This means the person who doesn’t want to talk about finances isn’t being argumentative —they are just disappearing, pretending like they didn’t even hear the other person. 

Returning to the school counselors’ T-shirts, ghosting one’s feelings means acting like they don’t exist. Instead of ghosting, the school counselors regularly teach how to become comfortable with the full range of emotions so that students can become more skilled at both feeling and expressing what they are feeling. They are encouraging them to do so even when doing so makes them feel quite vulnerable.

The wise wisdom offered by the school counselors is good advice for all of us. Halloween may be over, but the wisdom of not ghosting our feelings remains relevant all year. 

Trick or treat? Ghosting our emotions can be a trick we play on ourselves and others. Becoming more comfortable expressing our feelings, on the other hand, is a treat we can give ourselves and our relationships. 

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It" Season 4, Episode 8

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It

Last week, we had the honor of presenting our Wellness Compass resources at the annual Wisconsin Mental Health and Recovery Conference. A thousand providers from around the Midwest were in attendance, and it was truly an inspiring experience to meet so many people on the front lines every day helping to relieve suffering and, in so doing, making the world a better place.

One of the keynote speakers for the conference was Tom Farley.  Tom is the older brother of Chris Farley, the famous comedian who died tragically of a drug overdose in 1997 at the age of 33.

Tom shared with us that, like his brother Chris, he has also struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Now in recovery, for many years, Tom is now a motivational speaker who tells his story at conferences and high schools around the country of getting in touch with his emotions as part of his recovery.

Tom, following the tradition of his family, is quite funny. He said he learned how to be witty from his earliest days of growing up in his family. He explained that their family had one tool in its emotional toolbox and that was the tool of humor. No matter the issue of the day for their family, be it a disappointment in someone’s sporting endeavor,  an argument with a friend, or a struggle in academics, they always found a way to joke about it. He went on to say that as he started his journey in recovery, he had to learn something he did not know from his childhood, and that was how to identify and express all of his emotions.

His ongoing growth has been to integrate his humor with his capacity to be serious and real. Unlike his childhood, when humor was used to mask and hide more complicated emotions, he is now comfortable with the full range of emotions, from the very serious to the very funny.

His talk resonated with what we also teach regarding our emotional and relational wellbeing. The capacity to feel and express the full range of emotions is foundational for emotional and relational health. Humor, when used creatively and with loving intention, helps us all. But when used to mask our feelings, or when our intent is to be hurtful or cutting of ourselves or another, humor can create a divide between us and others we care about, and diminish everyone’s wellbeing.

We invite you to reflect on how you use humor in your life and your relationships. Perhaps you might become aware that you would like more of the positive experience of humor. Or perhaps you might become aware of how you sometimes use humor that is not so helpful in your relationships.  

As always, we love to hear from you. You can email us at 

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?" Season 4, Episode 7

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?

This week, we have a simple yet very effective tip regarding communication in our relationships. 

When a person is talking to you about something that is upsetting them, discern within yourself whether they are seeking comfort or solutions. Typically, the more emotionally upset they are, the more they are seeking and needing comfort. If you are not sure, the best thing to do is ask. While this sounds simple, it is often difficult to remember to put into practice.

When we offer advice or try to fix a problem that another person is having, and that is not what they are seeking, such advice will almost always result in further hurt and anger, as they are probably emotionally flooded. The "helper" often tries to recover by saying, "I was just trying to help," and may now feel hurt and angry as well. If their intention to help had been guided by the question, "Are they seeking comfort or solutions?" they likely would have fared better.

In general, we will never regret offering comforting responses, such as, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I  see why you are so upset," "I've got your back," or "I am here for you any time you need to talk." If we start with offering comfort, and then the person wants advice at some point, they will more likely feel safe asking for it.  If, on the other hand,  we begin by providing solutions, we may not ever get the chance to truly offer comfort as the person may now be even more upset.

The  "fix-it" response may seem wise as we may think we know exactly what the person needs to do-- and after all, isn't that the best thing we can offer?  No, it's not—not if the person isn't wanting advice.

We can also apply this wisdom of asking for comfort rather than solutions to guide our talking with others when we are upset.  Rather than merely hoping and assuming that the other person knows what we need, it's good practice actually to let them know. "I have something I need to talk about right now, and just to be clear, I am not looking for advice or solutions. I simply need someone to listen to my feelings and frustration right now," might be a good way to start.

Making it Personal: As you go through your weeks, watch for opportunities to practice deciding if you or another needs comfort or solutions in times of stress, and let us know how it goes. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Listening to Understand Rather Than to Respond" Season 4, Episode 6

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Choose Being Kind Over Being Right

We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended.

While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week.

1. Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you.  Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right." 

2. Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem.  In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships. 

3. Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict. 

 "I feel like  I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become. 

I'm sorry and want to change that." 

When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response.  Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften. 

Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week. 

Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you. 

Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass, our written column, to receive weekly guidance for navigating your week ahead with clear attention and intention.