Are You Handling Your Emotions or Are They Handling You?

Are You Handling Your Emotions or Are They Handling You?

The title question for this column, “Are you handling your emotions, or are they handling you?” is timely given the chronic stress that we have all been facing the last year and a half. My answer to this question is, “Yes!” Yes, there are times when I am handling my emotions, and yes, there are times when my feelings are handling me. One of the warning signs I recognize in myself when I am not managing my emotions well is that I am irritable and impatient in my communication with others. Perhaps this is why I resonate with the advice that when it comes to good communication, it is wise to strive to, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean.”

 There is much wisdom in these three short sentences. Like many wise sayings, it takes a moment to memorize, but a lifetime to master. Let’s reflect briefly on each of these three sentences. 

   “Say what you mean” describes the importance of having the emotional intelligence to recognize and express the full range of our emotions. For example, if I am sad or scared, and if I am not mindful, I might express those feelings as anger or criticism, when it would be far healthier to be vulnerable enough to share what I am really feeling. Being thoughtful and honest about what we really mean is good for ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship. 

   “Mean what you say” invites us to reflect on what we are communicating so that it is an accurate expression of what we are feeling. For example, “You never help me clean up around here” is probably not accurate and indeed not helpful. Much better is, “The last week or so, I have felt like I have been doing most of the household chores. You may have a different perspective, but in any case, I want to talk about how to rebalance all this better going forward.” The person who is frustrated in this example  probably doesn’t really mean that the other person never helps out, and escalating their words to that level greatly reduces their chance of being heard.

   “Don’t say it mean” is often the most challenging advice for many of us to follow. Somewhere along the line, it seems we got the idea that we can increase our chances of being heard by raising our voices in anger. Yet, we know that attempting to increase our persuasive power by raising our voices actually has the opposite effect. People instead shut down and stop listening when we are mean. 

   On the podcast that corresponds with this column each week, I shared the story of a youth soccer coach who screamed at his players regularly. When I reflected this back to him and asked him why he did this, he replied it was because his players never listened to him. The coach and I talked some more, and he had a minor breakthrough as he began to see a possible connection between his “saying it mean” and their not listening. His frustration was clearly handling him, and I was trying to give him some insight into how perhaps he could begin to manage his feelings more productively and in turn, get his players to pay more attention to his words.  

   It is natural at times to be overwhelmed by our emotions and to feel like they are handling us rather than that we are handling them. Whenever we find ourselves overwhelmed, it is wise to call a timeout and wait until we are sure we won’t say or do something we’ll later regret. When we have calmed down, we will be more able to “say what we mean, mean what we say, and not say it mean.”

   It takes a lifetime to master this wisdom. Any of us, at times, can and will “say it mean.” It happens to all of us, and when it does, we need to be careful not to be too hard on ourselves. We simply and humbly need to apologize, learn from what happened, and grow a little wiser when it comes to handling our emotions.  

Making It Personal:

1. Which of the three parts of this saying is most challenging for you, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean?”

2. ‘Saying it mean” is one manifestation of not handling or expressing our emotions well. Can you think of others?

3. Is there a particular person or relationship in your life with whom you would like to practice the advice of “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean” this week?

Recalculating Our Routes

Recalculating Our Routes

My wife and I recently took a road trip, and because we had some extra time and were in no hurry to get to our destination, we turned to Google Maps to help us chart some less traveled and more scenic routes. Several times we spontaneously made changes to our route, or we missed a turn we were supposed to make, and each of these times, we received a friendly message that the app was “recalculating our route.”

I have read several stories recently about “the great resignation” that is currently happening in America’s workforce. The articles described how many people have resigned from their jobs during the pandemic, and their life is taking a new direction. While there are a variety of reasons that people are leaving their jobs, one clear theme is that people are choosing not to return to the kind of pace, or balance, or unsatisfactory working conditions that they had before the pandemic. One subgroup within the larger population that is not returning to their jobs is older workers who have chosen to retire rather than return to their previous employment. And of course, many have lost their jobs and have no choice but to find a new direction for their work.

All of this has me thinking that this time of “the great resignation” is really a time of “the great recalculation.” Many of us are recalculating our routes, some by choice, some by necessity. As awful as the pandemic has been, perhaps one benefit that has come from it is that it has given many people the opportunity to rethink their lives. People are now wondering what parts of their lives they wish to return to and which parts they do not.

I love that the Google Maps voice is always so calm and patient when I miss a turn. There is never a hint of judgment or criticism. Perhaps we can all keep that voice in mind as a model for our inner voice when we find ourselves making changes in our lives. May we be as calm and patient with ourselves and others when it comes to recalculating the routes, routines, and relationships in our lives, many of which have been dramatically changed over the last year and a half.

Making It Personal. These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. Has the pandemic caused you to recalculate some aspect of your life?

2. If so, what has been the tone of your inner voice as you have been making changes in your life?

3. Do you know someone who is working to reroute their life right now and could use your compassion and support? If so, what might you do to offer your support?

Watering Our Spiritual Root Systems

Watering Our Spiritual Root Systems

  Spirituality is a part of all of our lives, whether we consciously are aware of it and nurture it within ourselves or not. We are spiritual beings. As the author and theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote, "We are not human beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having human experiences."  

 Practicing a religious faith is one way to express and ground one's spirituality, but spirituality transcends any one religion. Some have referred to spirituality as a deep underground river that gives us strength and sustenance and acknowledge that there are many ways, many wells, to tap into that river.

Staying with the idea of spirituality being underground and often out of view, I have always liked the image that our spirituality is like the root system of a tree. The roots of a tree are what ground a tree, what helps the tree to stand upright. The roots are also what bring nourishment to the tree. In order for a tree to grow taller or broader, it must simultaneously grow deeper and broader roots. And we are also learning that the roots of a tree spread out and interact with the roots of other trees, even drawing strength from nearby trees in times of distress. 

 Just as with the roots of a tree, our spirituality needs to be watered and deepened regularly over our entire lives. Spirituality helps us define our core values and purpose and begins to be developed in childhood. These values are especially important in the first half of life as we are then in the midst of making important decisions that build the foundation for our life. In the second half of life, our spirituality additionally helps us deal with aging, loss, and letting go. It helps us to make peace with what has been, what is, and what will be. Just as with trees, deep roots can help sustain us through rainy and stormy days.

 In this week's Wellness Compass podcast, which is a companion to this column, my wife Holly and I talk about two traditional practices for deepening one's spirituality. The first is meditation or prayer. Every religious tradition has both corporate and individual practices of prayer. Meditation and mindfulness practices are also important to millions of people who don't necessarily define themselves as being part of a religious faith yet very much benefit from this soulful practice.  

The other practice we discuss on our podcast this week is gratitude. A regular gratitude practice, of taking time each morning or evening to note what you are grateful for that day, can help deepen one's sense of the spiritual aspect of life. Research has shown that a regular gratitude practice has positive benefits for one's mental health, with some studies even suggesting that it has a positive effect on one's brain. 

In whatever ways you express and tend to your spiritual root system, the benefits of doing so are immense. This is why we include spirituality as one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass of Well-Being. And while all eight dimensions are essential, spirituality is perhaps, for many, the one that grounds and guides all the others.  

Making It Personal: The questions below are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. What comes to mind when you think of spirituality as being like the root system of a tree?

2. Are you satisfied with how aligned your current life choices are with your core values and spirituality?

3. How do you water your spiritual life now?

4. Might you want to try a regular gratitude or meditation/prayer practice (if you are not already doing so)?

Enhancing the Quality of Our Relationships

Enhancing the Quality of Our Relationships

  Almost thirty years ago, I first wrote that "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships,” for an article on marriage and family therapy. And I believe that quote is as true today as it was when I first wrote it.  

  The stress that people are experiencing from the pandemic is often showing up as more conflict in their relationships, which in turn creates more stress in their lives. Last week I wrote about stress resilience and the importance of being compassionate toward ourselves and others with whom we are in relationship. Knowing that being compassionate is a crucial tool in stress reduction is one thing; practicing it in our relationships is another. Once relationship patterns get set, they can be hard to break, especially if those relationship patterns are long-standing.

  Most of us first learned our relationship patterns and skills at the "school of relationships" we attended as children. That school was run by the adults who raised us. In that school, we learned about all kinds of things that we came to believe were normal and good in relationships, and then we most likely adopted them. We probably carried those habits into our adulthood, often without awareness of whether what we learned was helpful or not.  

  The good news is that if we find our current relationship habits are not serving us well, we can change those patterns at any time. All it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.

  Here is one specific skill that I regularly teach that creates a new pattern in relationships. It is a skill I learned from the research of Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist and author of several best-selling books on relationships. The skill, known as the "soft start-up,” has to do with how we choose to start a conversation. 

  Gottman contrasts a soft start-up with its opposite, a harsh start-up (often used when people are stressed). His research shows that depending on which of these two ways a conversation begins, one can predict how that conversation will end. For example, a harsh start-up, such as "You never listen to what I have to say about……" (especially when said with a stern tone) is likely to lead to a defensive response from the accused, which often leads to an escalation in the conflict.  

  A soft start-up, on the other hand, related to the same issue might sound like this. "I would like to talk with you about how lately I am not feeling heard when I talk about ……. and I would like to address this before I get more upset. Would now be a good time to have a conversation with me about this?" Starting a conversation in this manner is much more likely to lead to a productive and positive conversation. This kind of start-up seeks to resolve the conflict rather than inflame it. 

  If we attended a "school of relationships" where harsh start-ups and repeated relational conflict were common, we might believe that is typical for relationships. If no one ever shared their true feelings when you were growing up, you most likely learned to do the same. The good news is that we can all be life-long learners when it comes to finding more satisfying ways to be in relationship with others, no matter what we have learned through the years. Again, all it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.  

Making It Personal: 

These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. Do you see a connection between your current level of stress and how it might be impacting your relationships?

2. Are you satisfied in general with your use of "soft start-ups" vs. "harsh start-ups?”

3. Is there a specific relationship where you would like to practice a different tone, including, perhaps, a soft start-up?

*Healthy Relationships is one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. 

Increasing Resilience Through Compassion

Increasing Resilience Through Compassion

Resilience is often defined as the capacity to bounce back. This definition can be helpful for minor kinds of setbacks or disruptions to our lives. For example, I tripped on a tree root while running on a trail a few months ago and broke a bone in my hand. After X-rays, I was fitted with a brace and returned to running in a few days, for example. My hand has healed now, and I am fortunate to have bounced back to where I was before the injury.

Sometimes, though, we experience a loss or disruption in our lives from which we know we will not ever return to where we were previously. A health crisis changes the trajectory of our lives, a relationship ends, a loved one dies, we lose our job, or our lives are turned upside down by a pandemic. In such situations, resilience isn't about bouncing back to the way things were, but rather is more about finding a way to somehow, gradually accept what has happened and to begin to live forward into a new chapter of our lives. In this case, resilience is somehow finding a way to move forward, not about simply bouncing back.

There are many factors that mental health researchers have talked about as the key to being resilient. There is one in particular that I would like to lift up here because I talk about a lot with clients these days, and that is the importance of compassion. The quote at the top of this column from Sharon Salzburg reminds us that, "Resilience is based on compassion for ourselves, as well as compassion for others."

Do you remember how many of us talked about all the things we were going to accomplish when the pandemic first hit, now that we had extra time at home? We were going to clean the closets, learn to speak a new language, make room for doing that hobby we've always wanted to do, begin a new fitness routine, and learn how to play the piano. For me, it was that I was going to launch a podcast. I immediately invested in some podcast equipment, and then I found that I just couldn't do it. I was exhausted, I was grieving, my life was totally disrupted, and the last thing I had energy for was something like creating a new podcast.

Last week I did launch a new podcast, eighteen months after I bought the equipment. Once I became a little more compassionate toward myself about how long it was taking me, I began to breathe a little easier, and the emotional and mental space I needed to be creative began to open up.

I share this story with you in hopes that it will spark some self-compassion for you. You, too, may have had your life disrupted in ways you could have never imagined. You, too, may have had plans of how things were supposed to go as you tried to "bounce back," only to discover that those plans did not unfold the way you thought they would. Perhaps you could benefit from some self-compassion, or maybe you know someone else who could benefit from some compassion from you. As I experienced, compassion, whether directed toward ourselves or others, creates space for healing, acceptance, and for beginning to plant seeds of what might come next. Seeds don't grow in the soil of judgment and criticism; they only take root in the ground of compassion and patience.

There is no shortage of stress in our lives and the world. What too often is in short supply, though, is compassion. Compassion doesn't magically create resilience, but without it, the seeds of resilience won't grow. So what do you say we all concentrate on creating a little more compassion in our lives and in the lives of people we love?

Making It Personal: These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. How might you practice more compassion with yourself regarding some stress or setback you are experiencing?

2. Is there someone in your life who could benefit from more compassion from you? Who is it, and how could you show that increased compassion?

3. Wellness has many dimensions*. How could knowing this help you be more compassionate and patient with yourself or others?

What if the Hokey Pokey is What It's All About

What If The Hokey Pokey Is What It’s All About?

One advantage to spending so much time at home during the pandemic is that I have reconnected with my love for playing the guitar. I enjoy playing a wide range of music, but children's music is one genre that has remained a constant ever since I began playing guitar in high school. The experience of playing and singing with a group of kids makes it special, and the song that is always the favorite is one we all know and love—the Hokey Pokey. 

What makes the Hokey Pokey special is that it's not just something to sing; it is also something we do. We do the Hokey Pokey by first putting our right foot in, then our left foot, and then building to the last verse where we put our whole selves in. 

This is the first edition of the Wellness Compass column, a column that will be grounded in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. This model focuses on "whole-person" wellness which includes eight interconnected areas of wellness: Handling Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Spirituality, Rest & Play, Organization, Vocation (Work/School/Service), Stress Resilience, and Care for the Body. In other words, when it comes to wellness, we invite people to "put their whole selves in." 

We are also launching a new companion podcast to this column which shares the same name-- the Wellness Compass, to provide an opportunity for additional exploration of each week's topic. On this week's podcast, I play a bit of the Hokey Pokey on my guitar and then use my guitar to illustrate the concept of whole-person wellness. I do this by intentionally making one of the strings on my guitar out of tune. I then play the song with just this one string out of tune, and it is nails-on-a-chalkboard painful to listen to. It's a great way to demonstrate that when one aspect of our well-being is out of tune, it affects the whole of who we are.

Anyone who plays a string instrument knows that they regularly get out of tune, another good metaphor for our lives, which also get out of tune from time to time. Getting out of tune is not a problem in and of itself unless we are not able (or willing) to hear or acknowledge when that happens. This column, along with all of our Wellness Compass resources, can help us hear when our lives are a bit off-key and support us in making the steps we need to re-tune. I have to re-tune my guitar regularly; I find that to be true for my overall well-being as well. 

And what's the goal of having an instrument or a life that is in tune? The goal, of course, is to make beautiful music and share that music with others--to sing, to dance, to laugh, to love, to forgive, to heal, and maybe even to do the Hokey Pokey.

I saw a bumper sticker recently that read, "What if the Hokey Pokey is what's all about?" Well, as much as I like having fun with the song, I'm pretty sure it's not what it's all about. But I am pretty sure of this: putting our whole selves in as we continue to tune and re-tune our lives is what it's all about.  

So thanks for singing along. Wellness is best experienced in community, so we hope you will visit and like our new Facebook page. You can find it HERE. We welcome your comments and ideas for future topics there. You can also share responses there to the "Making It Personal" questions below.  

Making It Personal Questions: (Each week, we will include a few questions to prompt self-reflection. We share them for you to journal perhaps or discuss or reflect upon as you think about how the topic for each week applies personally to your life).

How do you know if or when your well-being is "out of tune?"

Do you have any regular practices that help you keep yourself "in tune?"

Reflect on a recent time when you felt like you put "your whole self in." What can you learn from that experience?