Be an Encourager

Be an Encourager

With the weather turning warmer, we got our bikes out of the garage this week to go for a ride. We were so excited to get going that it wasn’t until we were a few blocks from home that we realized that our tires needed air. We returned home, pumped up the tires, and wow, what a difference it made both in comfort and ease of effort.  

Because we are both family therapists and we think about stuff like this, when we returned from our ride, we joked about how our experience with pumping up our tires was a metaphor for the power of encouraging one another. Any of us can use a little air in our tires, a little extra encouragement from time to time, to make our travels a bit less bumpy. Just as over a long winter, the air slowly leaks out of bike tires, life itself can slowly deflate our self-esteem and sense of well-being. When this happens, expressions of encouragement can go a long way in pumping up our emotional “tires.” 

Be an encourager. The first three words in the quote in the box above by Dave Willis are so simple that it would be easy to miss their power. Offering encouraging words to your child, partner, friend, colleague, family member, or even a stranger, is so simple, and we can often see the positive effect immediately. It’s that easy and that powerful.

The word “courage” derives from the same root as the Latin word for heart, “cor,’ and in Old French, the word “corage.” The prefix “en” means “to cause to be in,” or “to put in” and so together we can see that to encourage another person means to put heart into that person. Think of that the next time you text someone a heart emoji, a beautiful and simple expression of love and encouragement. Think of it also the next time you give a bit of your heart to someone who is in need of your support.

Your encouragement might be just the air they need in their tires to make their ride just a little smoother and easier right now.  

Making It Personal. 

1. Is there someone in your life who could use some encouragement right now? Think of something specific you could do or say.

2. How could you be more accepting and encouraging of yourself? Again, think of something specific.

On this week’s Wellness Compass Podcast, a companion to this weekly column, we expand on the connection between how we encourage ourselves and how we encourage others. We also talk about how encouragement looks a little different when we are offering our support to someone who is experiencing a profound loss or is facing an extremely difficult challenge.  You can find the podcast on this website or in your favorite podcast app.

Hope Amidst the Mud

Hope Amidst the Mud

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree swings in temperature that often occur day-to-day, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine. 

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine and closer to home can create enormous swings of emotions in us day to day, or even hour to hour.  

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and our research that the presence of hope within a person has a profound effect on their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and on their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering. 

We believe that hope is like a muscle, it is not something that we either have or don't have, but instead, it is something that can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality. 

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe. 

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; instead, it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column, we talk about some practices that nurture hope. (See the link to the right to listen to the podcast).

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it. 

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do right now to nourish your spirit and sense of hope? 

Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake

Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake

We invite you to bring to mind a person who creates positive and life-giving energy for you. This could be a person from your present life or your past; a friend, a family member, a classmate, or a colleague. The person might be living or may have passed away. Bring that person to mind and pause for a moment to experience what it feels like to remember that person.

Today we are focusing on the concept of an "emotional wake." One way to understand this concept is to realize that what you were feeling just a moment ago when you remembered the person who has positively affected you is the emotional wake they have created in your life.

A boat traveling across the water leaves a wake as it leaves a trail of stirred-up water behind it. Similarly, we all leave an emotional wake as we interact with others, stirring up emotions in those around us. Those emotions can be positive, neutral, or negative. It is important to be aware of and take responsibility for the emotional wake we radiate out to others. 

This subject got us thinking back to a time when we were out enjoying an afternoon in our canoe, and a ski boat came close to us at a high rate of speed. The wake created by the boat was annoying enough, but what was probably even more upsetting to us was that the boater seemed to be oblivious to the wake they were making and that their action had almost tipped us over. This experience reminded us that the emotional wakes we create can also impact others without our even being aware.

On the twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column (click the link below to listen), we talk about what we have learned from our experience to help ensure that we create a positive emotional wake in our interactions with others. In summary, we mention being aware of others' feelings, being a good listener who is encouraging and kind, being fully present (putting away distractions), being appreciative of others, and having a positive, hopeful attitude. And as we say on the podcast, no one person has these qualities all the time, but creating a positive emotional wake involves being aware of the impact we are having on those around us and being intentional about the energy we put out into the world. 

Making It Personal (prompts to enhance your personal and relational well-being).

1. When you think of someone who has left a positive emotional wake in your life, what can you learn from what they did to create that feeling?

2. In general, what kind of overall emotional wake do you think you are creating most of the time?

3. Based on your answer to #2, is there anything you want to do differently going forward?

Knowing When to Call a Time Out

Knowing When to Call a Time Out

I (Scott) received more than my fair share of time-outs when I was a kid. Sitting still in school was a challenge for me, and I felt bored much of the time. As a result, I was often given a time-out and had to endure the, in my mind, excruciating experience of sitting in the hall with nothing to do. In high school, it meant I had to occasionally go to a silent study hall during my lunch hour. From my vantage point, this was clearly an” example of cruel and unusual punishment,” although I do remember getting a lot of work done in those silent study halls.

We assume many of us may have some sort of a negative association with time-outs, as we imagine that most of us have at some point been asked to sit on a step or on our bed to think about our being mean, disrespectful, or breaking a rule. As teenagers, we may also remember being grounded, which is just a prolonged time-out. It’s too bad that many of our associations with time-outs are negative, as taking time away is a crucial ingredient to our well-being and is a helpful tool for all of us to have ready for use when we need it.

The March Madness of the NCAA Women’s and Men’s Basketball Tournaments are in full swing and provide the perfect opportunity for us to rethink how we view the role of a time-out. There will be at least one stretch of time in every game when a team is starting to lose control. Shots that were going in easily earlier are now missing the mark, passes are not connecting, and mistakes, stress, and anxiety are escalating. . It is precisely at such a moment that the team’s coach will wisely call a time-out.

The purpose of such a pause in the game is positive and proactive. It is a time to help the players take a deep breath, and reset their game plan, often with valuable perspective and input from the coach. There is nothing punitive about these time-outs; in fact, the players are usually grateful for the chance to regroup. Once the players are back on the court, it is fascinating to see what a positive difference in performance a time out can make.

A positive use of such breaks is not just good for basketball players. Overwhelmed parents have long known the importance of breathing in and counting to ten, thus creating an internal time-out for themselves. They recognize its helpfulness in calming themselves down when they are feeling emotionally flooded. The parental wisdom of the “power of the pause” is good for any of us, especially when we find ourselves “missing too many of our easy shots” or seeing our mistakes and anxiety escalating.

The use of time-outs in schools has evolved. They now teach children the value of taking personal time-outs proactively, much as sports teams do. They are teaching children how to pause and practice mindfulness and how a positive time-out can be helpful no matter what the age.

Every basketball team has a limited number of time-outs to use in each game. However, the rest of us are fortunate to have an unlimited supply, and we can use them whenever needed, knowing that a well-timed time-out can enhance our performance and get us back in the flow with renewed focus and energy.

Making It Personal Prompts:

1. How do you recognize when it’s time for you to take a time-out?

2.  How do you take time-outs and what works well for you?

3.  Are you in a need of a time-out right now and, if so, how might you take one soon?

Letting Go and Holding On

Letting Go and Holding On

Life is a dance of letting go and holding on, a lesson I (Holly) learned again recently when my “second mom,” Judy or Mom, passed away peacefully at the age of 91. I call her my second mom because my creation mom passed away from cancer when I was eight, and Judy came into my life a year later when she married my dad. After all these years, I have come to realize that no matter how many times, and ways, we have done the dance of letting go and holding on, it is always difficult. Yet, at the same time, there is an opportunity for us to learn much in the midst of such difficulty.

Mom taught me a great deal about how to let go with grace. She accepted her gradual diminishment over the last year of her life without complaining. She didn’t hide her suffering but was always sure to frame it in a larger context, as she continuously reminded all who visited just how much she was grateful for in all the ups and downs that she had experienced in her long life.

Holding on may seem like the opposite of letting go, and it is often. But there are also times when letting go and holding on are happening simultaneously, which our family experienced with Mom’s passing. As she accepted that she was dying and let go of her final beloved possessions and any measures to prolong her life, she also held fast to her faith, her family, and her cherished memories and many, many fascinating stories.

And as we now let her go, we at the same time hold on to every memory and story she shared with us over so many years. 

The pandemic has given us plenty of opportunities and challenges to practice letting go. Some of us have lost loved ones to COVID. We all have had to let go of something, be it a person, job, routine, plan, or something else. Sometimes we have chosen to let go; other times, we have been given no choice but to do so. And at the same time, many of us have found ourselves clarifying and holding on more strongly to what matters most to us.  

As we write this, winter is gradually letting go of its grip here in Wisconsin, where we live. This helps us to remember that to everything, there is a season…a season to let go and a season to hold on…and sometimes, a season to do both.

Making It Personal:

1. Do you find yourself having to let go of something right now?

2. Do you find yourself wanting to or choosing to let go of something right now?

3. In the midst of things you are letting go of, what do you find yourself needing and wanting to hold on to more firmly?

The Shelter of Each Other

The Shelter of Each Other

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we are celebrating Irish wisdom by sending out our weekly column a day earlier than usual. The Irish are known for their pithy words of wisdom, which we believe are relevant to this column's wellness focus. In no particular order, here are a few of our favorite Irish sayings. Read them carefully and consider for yourself just what each might mean for you in your life. 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

And here's our favorite one of all:

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

We invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with us by replying to this email or posting on our Facebook page.  

In addition to their wise sayings, the Irish are also known for their blessings. We close with a beautiful Irish blessing that speaks to the many kinds of shelter we can offer to one another when we are generous and loving.

May you always have

Walls for the winds

A roof for the rain

Tea beside the fire

Laughter to cheer you

Those you love near you

And all your heart might desire.

This week's Wellness Compass podcast expands on several of these Irish sayings, talking about what wisdom they provide for our well-being. You can listen to the podcast HERE.

Making It Personal:

1. Which of these Irish says speaks to you the most?

2. What does the idea that, "it is in the shelter of each other that the people live" mean to you?

3. Is there another piece of Irish wisdom, or perhaps wisdom from your own culture, that speaks to you about well-being?

Choosing the Power of Love Over the Love of Power

Choosing the Power of Love Over the Love of Power

The quote above dreams of a time when we finally come to recognize that the power of love is greater than the love of power. With the horror of what's going on in Ukraine right now, this reality may seem far off. And yet, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, we still believe that the arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends toward love, justice, and peace.

Many of us are privileged to have never experienced the devastating violence of war, yet are impacted by it nevertheless. And so, in such times, we turn to the wisdom of spiritual leaders, those whose faith has been tested by the trials of war and violence, for solace and hope. Two such spiritual leaders passed away this past year, who lived through violent times in their own countries, Thich Nhat Hanh and Desmond Tutu. When these two spiritual teachers spoke of the power of love being greater than the love of power, we listened. We invite you too, to hear what they have to say.

"Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other."  Desmond Tutu

"Human beings are not our enemy. Our enemy is not the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit." Thich Nhat Hanh.  

The two of us are marriage and family therapists. While we can't speak with any authority about world affairs, we can speak from our decades of experience as teachers and therapists about what contributes to conflict and peace. When it comes to our personal and interpersonal wellness, the power of love is truly more potent than the love of power. Never is the love of power better than the power of love, be it in the intimacy of our homes and families, in our relationships at school or work, in our communities, our countries, and the world. Love and respect are the foundations of peace and well-being.

The universal reaction of horror to what is happening in Ukraine speaks of our knowing without question that the love of power is morally wrong. Our hope is that our outrage and sorrow can be a reminder for each of us to do our part in our corners of the universe, to be people who live by the power of love and not the love of power. 

Making It Personal:

1. What speaks to you in the quote from Desmond Tutu and Thich Nhat Hanh?

2. What helps you choose the power of love rather than the love of power?

3. What concretely can you do this week to show those around you that you believe in the power of love?

We Don't Talk About...

We Don't Talk About.…

A Disney movie was the last place we expected to find powerful and profound insight about what happens when families avoid having difficult conversations. And yet that is just what we discovered when we recently sat down and watched their latest movie entitled, "Encanto." 

We promise not to share too many details about the movie, in case you haven't watched it yet. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may have heard the song "We Don't Talk About Bruno," one of the many popular tunes from the film. (You can listen to it HERE). The title of this song describes an all too common way people avoid difficult or unpleasant conversations, which is to adopt an attitude of "we don't talk about ……." In "Encanto," the reason for shunning the family member named Bruno is that he has dared to speak of things the family doesn't want to think about, let alone discuss. His family instead pretends that he doesn't exist, trying to ignore the problem rather than face the truth he has spoken. 

It is not unusual for groups of people (families, friends, organizations, etc.) to have unwritten rules about things that should not be discussed. Some common examples are: 

"We don't talk about conflict."

"We don't talk about money."

"We don't talk about how much so and so drinks."

"We don't talk about our feelings."

"We don't talk about religion, sex, or politics."  

It is easy to internalize these unwritten rules as simply a given that can't be questioned if everyone silently agrees to follow them as a way of keeping a false sense of peace. The paradox is that not talking about something difficult usually makes it worse, as the suppressed emotions build in intensity. So not talking about conflict, for example, almost always guarantees the conflict will eventually spill out in a way that is likely hurtful to all involved.

We don't think it's too much of a spoiler to let you know that "Encanto" has a happy ending. After all, it is a Disney movie. The hopeful ending is made possible because the Madrigals (Bruno's family) learn to, in the words of the Brené Brown quote above, "Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters." 

It does indeed take courage to start such conversations. But if you have any doubt about the healing effects of taking such a risk, then make time soon to watch "Encanto." Before long, you too will be singing along with the soundtrack (written by Lin Manuel Miranda), and maybe, just maybe, you will find yourself becoming a little braver when it comes to talking about hard things.

Making It Personal:

1. Are you aware of any unwritten rules you have internalized about things that one should avoid discussing?

2. Can you think of a time when you or someone you care about took the risk to start a difficult conversation? What did you learn from that experience?

3. Is there a conversation you want to start with someone right now? If so, what is the first step you need to take to do so?

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

A few weeks ago, we wrote about several specific things we can do to strengthen any relationship. One of the things we mentioned was the simple practice of showing appreciation. This week we want to expand a little more on this because we know that, while simple, it is easy to forget the importance of offering appreciation regularly and freely.

  It is worth noting that the root for the word appreciation also serves as a root for the words precious, price, and praise. This helps us realize that when we praise someone, we help them feel precious and increase their sense of value and self-worth.  

  When we think of the act of showing appreciation, we find it helpful to think of a continuum. The person who has a habit of actively and regularly showing appreciation is on the far right side of the continuum. On the other end, the far left side is someone who is instead often critical and for whom depreciating others happens regularly. In the middle of the continuum—the neutral point—is a person who is neither appreciative nor critical. When we are at this neutral point, we are likely taking others for granted. In reality, we may feel appreciative of others but rarely make the effort to express it, so others never know.  

  Imagine taking a potted plant in a shady corner of the room and moving it in front of a southern-facing window on a bright sunny day. Soon you will see the plant stretching tall and opening up to the sunlight. Appreciation has the same effect on people. But don't just take our word for it. Try it yourself, and notice how gradually the person you are showing appreciation to opens up their heart to you and may even stand just a little bit taller.  

Here are some examples of the principle of "what we appreciate, appreciates." 

If we tell a child how precious they are to us simply because we want them to know how much we love them, we will likely see their face light up, if not their whole body.

If we let someone know we appreciate their efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for another, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we call someone who is alone and who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and likely make their day.

We are sure you can think of additional examples from your own life of how "what we appreciate, appreciates," and we encourage you to do so.

We want to express how much we appreciate you! Thank you for reading our column each week (and for those who listen to our companion podcast, thank you also), and thank you for the feedback you often give to us. It means the world to us, and please know will never take that for granted.

Making It Personal Prompts:

1. In general, where would you place yourself on the continuum of being critical—taking for granted (neutral)—being appreciative? Are you happy with your response?

2. Can you think of a time when you experienced the power of appreciation—either when you expressed appreciation to someone else or when someone appreciated you? How did it feel?

3. Is there a specific person in your life that you would like to offer more appreciation to right now?

The Gift of Listening

The Gift of Listening

Last week's column talked about the importance of nurturing our relationships on a regular basis, remembering that the "grass is always greener where we water it." We talked about three specific ways to strengthen any relationship: listening, expressing appreciation, and making time to play and have fun together. This week's column focuses on the gift of listening.

Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed, just like any other skill. With attention and intention, we can all become better listeners. In high school and college, we both remember how we attended several classes which focused on public speaking, but neither of us can recall a class that focused on being a better listener.  

If we have any doubt about how valuable the gift of listening is, we only need to remember back to a time when someone extended the gift of deep, authentic listening to us. This may have been a time when someone listened not just to our words but the feelings beneath the words. How did that feel? Chances are, we felt like our spirits had been lifted, and both our well-being and our relationship with the person who offered us the gift of listening were both a bit greener due to this watering we were given.  

Because we are marriage and family therapists, people reach out to us to talk about what's on their minds. During the pandemic, people have often said, "I don't expect you or anyone else to solve my challenges. And I don't need advice or superficial positivity. Mostly I just need someone to listen. I want to feel heard and understood." Don't we all long for this?

Valentines Day has come and gone, and the need to nurture and care for our relationships with our friends, families, colleagues, and neighbors remains. And one of the best ways any of us can do that is to offer others the simple gift of deep and authentic listening.  

Making It Personal (We offer these prompts to help you listen more deeply to what emerges for you as you reflect on what you have read).

1. Are you aware of any habits that interfere with you being a good listener, such as interrupting, giving advice, being distracted by screens, or multitasking?

2. What's one thing you could do differently to be a better listener?

3. To whom might you work at being a better listener this week?

The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is only natural to reflect on the relationships in our lives, and not just romantic relationships, but on all of our life-nurturing connections. As marriage and family therapists, we talk with people regularly about repairing and strengthening their connections with others, and we know that few things impact the quality of our lives more than the health of our relationships.  

One of our favorite sayings about relationships is the quote above, “The grass is always greener where we water it.” The wisdom of this saying is that we are wise not to focus on finding greener pastures somewhere else, but instead to nurture and grow the vitality of the relationships we already have. This wisdom applies to caring for all areas of our lives, including our spiritual lives, the work we do in the world, caring for our bodies, as well as our actual gardens! Because like a garden, all relationships require regular watering and attention.

Here are three concrete ways we know water our connections with others. As you read these, you might find yourself thinking about a specific relationship that you would like to water right now. 

These three ideas are quite simple yet essential in maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. The simple act of doing these three things on a regular basis will have a profound positive effect on any and all of our relationships.  

The first is to show regular appreciation for and to the people we care about. No one has probably ever been wrong when they have said, “I sometimes take you and what you do for granted and don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you.” Don’t just take our word about the power of appreciation. Try it today with someone and notice the immediate effect it has.

A second thing we can do to strengthen our connection with others is to be better listeners. On the weekly podcast that is a companion to this column, Holly tells a beautiful story of a time when her grandparents offered her a timely gift of listening when she was working as a student-teacher back in college. Even though this experience happened over forty years ago, you can tell when you listen to her talk about it just how important that gift of listening was for her, and how lovingly she still remembers it. Listening means that much to us.

Our last suggestion for watering our relationship is to remember the importance of having fun together. Play is not a nice “extra” in a relationship, but is essential to keeping relationships energized. Recreation is another word for play. We like to think of the word as “re-creation.” Every relationship we have created in our lives will benefit from intentional times of “re-creation” and reconnecting.

As we said, each of these three ideas is so simple, even obvious. What is not so simple is remembering to make them a regular habit. Good for you if these are already regular habits in your close relationships. If not, there is no time like today to make a new start, remembering that the grass is always greener where we water it.  

  Making It Personal

1. Is there someone, in particular, to whom you want to express more appreciation right now? How will you do that?

2. Is there someone to whom you want to more fully offer the gift of listening? When and how will you offer that gift?

3. What kind of fun activity might you want to plan with a family member or friend in the next week or so that would create positive and re-creative energy? 

The Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change (#6 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

The Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change (#6 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

  We complete our six-part series on understanding the process of growth and change by reflecting on a paraphrase of the opening words of the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr.  

"Seek the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, 

the courage to change the things you can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference."

The first five columns in this series (and accompanying podcast episodes) have been focused more on "the courage to change the things you can." This final column focuses more on the first part of the prayer, "the serenity to accept the things you cannot change."

One of the most influential spiritual teachers of our day passed away a few weeks ago. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote over thirty books about the practices of love, peace, and mindfulness. He is perhaps the person most responsible for introducing the benefits of mindfulness to the West, having first come and taught in the United States in the 1960s. He was a close friend of Martin Luther King and Thomas Merton. He taught and modeled the principles of love, peace, and serenity to all, never wanting to convert anyone to his Buddhist faith, but always wanting to help people live more fully the teachings of their own faith.  

For us, Thich Nhat Hahn's particular gift was his ability to fully acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists in the world and yet, at the same time, speak authentic words of how love, hope, and peace in the face of suffering. His writings articulate a deeply spiritual path to finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. Yet it is important to add that, like Martin Luther King, he was a tireless advocate for changing the things that we can change, such as the societal conditions that add to injustice, conflict, and suffering.  

The pandemic has affected each of us differently. Some have experienced minimal loss and disruption, while others have experienced unfathomable stress and suffering. We all have had plenty of opportunities to practice finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. An old joke says, "I asked God to give more patience and what I got was more opportunities to practice it!" Like this joke, we have all been given more than enough opportunities to practice and develop the spiritual practices of letting go and finding serenity amidst the many challenges we have faced over the last two years, particularly the ones we could not or cannot change.  

As we complete our six-part series, we want to remember that opportunities to change and grow come in many forms. Sometimes they come as things we can change, but require our courage and commitment. Other times they present as opportunities to find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. And always it involves developing the wisdom to know the difference. 

We close with a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh and our usual "Making It Personal" questions.

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today," Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life.

Making It Personal:

1. What has helped you find peace when facing challenges that seem unchangeable in the past?

2. What challenge or suffering are you experiencing right now that falls into the category of "things you cannot change"? What is helping you find serenity in the midst of that challenge?

3. Is there something more you would like to do to enhance your capacity to accept things you cannot change right now?

The Wisdom of the J Curve (#5 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

The Wisdom of the J Curve (#5 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

  All change is destabilizing and inevitably feels hard before it becomes more familiar. Sometimes the period of difficulty and instability that comes with change can last much longer than we expect or desire. We know this to be true when the change is something we didn't plan for or want. Changes like this include a health crisis, the ending of a relationship, the death of someone we love, the loss of a job. The numerous losses we all have experienced due to the pandemic also fall into this category.  

We know from experience that when a loss occurs in our life, we will most often struggle emotionally as we work through it. However, we may be surprised to learn that even if we plan for and choose to make a change in our lives, it will also initially feel destabilizing and emotionally challenging. Suppose we decide to move, get married, start a new job or volunteer activity, begin an exercise program, add a child to our life, go back to school, choose to retire, or make a proactive New Year's resolution. We may mistakenly think we will feel good right away in any of these situations. We may be surprised to learn that it is also normal to struggle even with these self-initiated changes and perhaps, even to second guess our choices regarding the change. When things start to feel difficult, some people may even consider giving up the change or wish they could return to their old life.

A phenomenon known as the J Curve explains why both planned and unplanned changes are initially challenging and destabilizing. In the graphic of the J Curve, which appears above, you can see that the vertical axis is stability, and the horizontal axis is resilience/growth. All significant changes follow the pattern of the J Curve. Typically, the more significant the change, the deeper the J Curve.  

Due to the pandemic, the entire world has been in a J Curve together for almost two years. This is why we are all exhausted. The instability continues to be overwhelming for many. And this is why requests for mental health care are at a record high right now. Just when we think we are coming up the right side of the J Curve, another variant emerges. And then we find ourselves faced with a new J Curve within the larger J Curve of the pandemic, testing and challenging our ability to bounce back.  

Research shows that three factors are essential for enhancing our capacity for resilience when we are walking through the valley of a J Curve. It is common to think we "should" be able to move through J Curves much faster than we actually are able. We may become impatient with ourselves. So the first thing we all need is self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself if you are worn out right now by the pandemic. Be gentle with yourself if you are in the midst of any other kind of significant change—whether a move, retirement, a job loss or change, or you recently brought a new child into your life. Or if it is just plain hard right now. Patience may be in short supply just when we need it most, including patience with ourselves. 

The second factor that enhances resilience in the midst of loss or change is the support of others. One clever way to remember this is to note that the word "wellness" starts with "we," acknowledging that wellness is strengthened in community. Sometimes, when we are going through a J Curve, our natural tendency is to either pull away from others or turn against them. Families, for example, are most likely to experience conflict when individuals within the family, or the whole family itself, are experiencing a J Curve. When we feel most vulnerable is when we most need to turn to others for support. 

Spirituality is the third factor that predicts a positive and resilient outcome for those experiencing loss or change. Spirituality gives us hope, meaning, and a broader perspective on life. Strengthening one's spirituality (for example, by starting or strengthening a meditation, mindfulness, or prayer practice) may be difficult in the midst of a J Curve, but it will gradually enhance one's capacity for resilience. If you look back over your life, you may notice that your spirituality deepened and grew most when you were going through some experience of profound change, which gave you a new perspective on what matters most in life.  

Change is hard. Especially changes we have not asked for or wanted. And it turns out that even changes we plan and initiate can also at times be emotionally exhausting. Early in the pandemic, there was a great deal of talk about "flattening the curve." While we can't prevent J Curves, we can flatten them and enhance our capacity to move through them with resilience if we remember to practice self-compassion, reach out to others for support, and strengthen our spirituality.  

Making It Personal:

1. Looking back on any J Curves you have navigated in the past, what did you learn from those experiences?

2. Are you in the midst of a J Curve right now, or perhaps more than one J Curve?

3. How might the recommendation of self-compassion, support from others, and nurturing your spirituality help you if you are in a J Curve right now? Can you think of what else you may need right now to help you be resilient?

Comfort Zone, Growth Zone, Panic Zone (#4 In Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Comfort Zone, Growth Zone, Panic Zone (#4 In Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

In early 2020, I (Scott) distinctly remember saying to my work team that I could not ever see myself embracing the idea of working remotely. Being together at the office every day was my comfort zone. It was how I had worked for over thirty years, and therefore it was the only way I could imagine continuing to function. The thought of working remotely was way outside of my comfort zone at that time, and I saw no reason to change. 

Then the pandemic came, and there went my work comfort zone. No longer able to continue my old familiar patterns, I had no choice except to grow and change. With the help of our open-minded and flexible team, I am happy to say that I have come to enjoy working remotely and have embraced my new online world. I have also learned that some of the things we do, such as training others to use our materials, actually work better online.  

I love the statement, "Resisting change is like holding your breath; if you succeed, it usually doesn't end well." I like it because it describes how I initially responded to the work disruptions caused by COVID. I held my breath and said to myself, "This can't last very long. Surely I can hold my breath until we return to normal." Obviously, that plan didn't work out so well. I'm breathing easier these days and am grateful that my willingness to step out of my comfort zone regarding work gradually changed, and now I'm luckily breathing more easily while working from home. (In sharing this, I certainly realize how fortunate I am to have a job that could adapt to being online. And my heart goes out to those who have lost their jobs or had to work in extremely trying conditions because of COVID). 

In our Wellness Compass resources, we teach a model of change that includes three concentric circles. The inner circle is the Comfort Zone, the middle circle is the Growth Zone, and the outermost ring is the Panic Zone. This model reminds us that all growth is, by definition, uncomfortable because it is outside of our current Comfort Zone. It also shows us that sometimes we are thrown out of our Comfort Zone and land in the Panic Zone. That's where I was in terms of my work when the pandemic hit. With time, effort, and support, I eventually moved into the Growth Zone.  

Growth and change are uncomfortable. Sometimes they can even create feelings of panic. We hope this series on growth and change will help you breathe a little easier the next time you need to adapt to or make a significant change.  

Making It Personal:

1. When life invites you to change, how do you typically react?

2. Are you in a Panic Zone or Growth Zone right now in your life? Or do you know someone who is?

3. If you answered yes to question two, either for yourself or someone you know, what support do you or they need in order to breathe more easily in the midst of the change?

Stages of Change (Part 3 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Stages of Change (Part 3 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Have you ever been unsuccessful in an attempt to create some kind of change in your life? Have you ever been frustrated in your attempt to lead a group of people through a process of change? If you are like us, you can think of many times when your answer to these questions would be, “Of course!”  

If you, too, have been disappointed in your ability to create or lead change, you may be interested in learning that a theory of change known as the “Stages of Change Model” could explain why it was such a challenge. This helpful model is based on the foundational truth that change doesn’t just happen because we want it to; it happens instead when we remember that it is a process and not simply an event.

We typically think of change as an action, such as “Last year I changed my diet,” “I retired recently,” or “I moved to a new city.” While change does include doing something different, the wisdom of the Stages of Change Model is that before there is action, there are preliminary steps everyone takes before they actually take the action we think of as change.  

Here, in summary, are descriptions of the five stages of change we all go through regularly, regarding both big and small things. At the end of each description, we provide an example of that stage as it applies to a hypothetical person wanting to begin a walking program. While reading, think about some change you have either recently made, or are in the midst of making right now. Please also refer to the graphic at the top of this column.

Pre-contemplation. This means that the person has not, or is not even considering making a change. They may have not yet considered the prospect, seen a need for change, or may even have decided against the idea altogether. At this stage, they are not likely to respond positively to suggestions to change.

Example: “I’ve never been a person who has exercised, and I have no desire to start now.”

Contemplation. This is where a person first senses that there is something they want to change and that they would benefit from doing things differently. At this stage, a person has some initial awareness or hears some whisper for a need or desire to change or grow.  

Example: “I’ve never exercised, but as I get older, I’m starting to think I could benefit from being more active. I might even want to walk a 5K someday.” 

Preparation. Here the focus begins to change from the need or problem the person wants to address to considering possible solutions. People at this stage begin to gather information about what could help support their desire to live differently, and will start seeking the resources they will need to help support their efforts. 

Example: “I’m going to talk to my friend who walks in 5K fundraisers, and find out when the next one is, and how best to prepare for it, and then buy some walking shoes.”

Action. Here people have begun to take concrete steps to make the change a reality. The actions taken are focused and support the changes they envision for themselves. (This is what most people think of as change, not realizing that real change is actually a long, thoughtful process.)

Example: “I bought some walking shoes over the weekend, and this week I walked before work three different mornings..”  

Maintenance. Having maintained the desired change and growth for an extended period of time (somewhere in the range of three to six months), there is good evidence that the change will be a lasting one. The new way of doing things has become a new habit, something that doesn’t require a great deal of conscious thought and energy. 

Example: “I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I walk so often, and I’m so proud of myself since I have completed my first two 5K walks.”

Many of us made New Years Resolutions a few weeks ago, and some of us have even given up on them already. A primary reason that change plans, like resolutions, fail is that we move too quickly to Action. In order for our plans to be successful, we have to honor the fact that before we attempt a change, we need to allow enough time to think through all its aspects and ramifications, and prepare for it adequately. Taking time for the Contemplation and Preparation stages allows for a greater chance of success. In fact, a significant change might require six months, a year, or longer to work thoughtfully through the first two stages, before we are ready to take Action.  

As life is full of constant decisions and possibilities for change, it is helpful to understand all that is involved in making a significant change, and give ourselves the time to acknowledge and honor the entire process we are always going through. We hope this brief introduction to the Stages of Change Theory is helpful as you think about the changes you are in the midst of, or are considering making in the future. 

Please listen to this week’s episode of our Wellness Compass podcast for a more in-depth discussion of The Stages of Change, and how it can help you be kind to yourself during the inevitable changes in your life. You can find it HERE or by following the links below.  

Making It Personal:

1. What do you think of the idea that change is a process, not an event?

2. Have you ever moved too quickly to the Action stage of change without giving adequate time to Contemplation and Preparation? What happened?

3. How does the Stages of Change Theory help you understand a change that you are in the process of considering right now?

Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way (Part 2 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way (Part 2 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

  This column is part two of a six-part series on growth and change. While the timing of these columns is related to the beginning of a new year—a time when many people take stock and seek to make a change—what we are writing about here is timeless and applies to any kind of change, whether personal, relational, or organizational.  

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why," or reason for making the change. On our Wellness Compass podcast episode this week, Holly shared a personal story of a change she started making about a year ago. She came to the awareness that our grandchildren are getting older and much more active, and she needed to make some changes to keep up with their abundant energy. She changed her eating habits and started a disciplined routine of working out that now has her feeling much more strength and stamina. As she says on the podcast, "I didn't want to watch my grandkids be active from sitting in my rocking chair." She is more able than ever now to be physically active with them.

On the podcast, she talks about how there are certainly days when she doesn't feel like working out or eating well, but then she remembers her "why"—the reason she is making the change, and when she does that, her resolve stays strong.  

Author Simon Sinek writes a great deal about change. He says that most people only focus on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That is their "what." They may have a "how," a plan about how they will do this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit their screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify that they want to spend less time on screen so that they can spend more quality time connecting with others, or pursuing other meaningful activities, or getting more sleep, then there is a greater chance they will be able to make a lasting change in their relationship with screens.

All great leaders inspire with a clear "why." Desmond Tutu, who recently passed away, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. His "why" that kept him going even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers was deeply grounded in his faith, which taught him that all people are created equal, and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. "What" he did, and "how" he did it may have evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why' never wavered, and it was what sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

We all see numerous Christmas trees lying by the street this time of year, waiting to get picked up and recycled. These trees are dry and withered at this point because they were cut off from the root system that nourished them a few months ago. Our desires to change and grow will have the same fate if they are not rooted in a clear and compelling "why."

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the quote "Find your why and you'll find your way?"

2. Can you think of a change you made in your life in the past that was fueled by a clear "why"?

3. Is there a change you are making now or want to make that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why?"