Season 2 Episode 22: "When 'I'm FINE' Could Mean Something Very Different," (Part 6 of our 8-part series on our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being)

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When “I’m Fine” Might Mean Something Else

There are times when a person either isn’t aware of what they are feeling, or has no interest in letting you know what they are experiencing. At such a time, if you ask that person what or how they are feeling, a response you might get is, “I’m FINE!” It’s a shorthand way of saying they want privacy or to be left alone with their feelings and thoughts.

When any of us hears a person emphatically stating that they are “FINE,” we can probably assume that their “FINE” stands for an acronym: Feelings In Need of Expression. Most likely, they have something going on in their life that involves emotions they are not ready or able to share. We often remind people that our emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong. They simply are. How we handle our feelings, though, can be something that promotes our well-being or not.

One of the hallmarks of emotional wellness is the capacity to both be aware of and express the full range of our emotions—not telling ourselves that we are fine, even when we are not. There is so much we can learn about ourselves and others when we become fully comfortable with our emotions and the energy we feel within us. This is the wisdom of the photo quote above, “Our emotions don’t create problems; they contain the exact genius we need to solve them.” 

We are not born knowing how to handle our emotions; a fact any parent of a young child or even a teen knows all too well. Over time, we learn ways to manage our feelings from our primary caretakers and the socialization we get from the culture around us. If we are fortunate to have had good teachers, we have a better chance of knowing how to handle our emotions well. If we did not, the good news is we can always learn new and more effective ways to manage and grow our emotional well-being. 

We also remind people that there is a clear correlation between how comfortable we are with our own emotions and our level of comfort with the emotions of others. For example, suppose a person is uncomfortable feeling and expressing their own feelings of sadness or loss. In that case, it is improbable that they will be able to be empathetic and present to others when they need to express feelings of sadness. 

When working with clients, people often report that they are comfortable expressing some emotions while they struggle to express other feelings. Some say they can feel and express anger, but sadness and vulnerability are difficult for them. Others say the opposite—they are comfortable expressing sadness, but not anger. Some report that they rarely or never heard the words “I love you” as a child, so they now have difficulty verbally expressing those feelings today. And still, others learned to say “I’m FINE” rather than express their strong emotions. 

As we said, we can always learn new ways to enhance our awareness and capacity to express our emotions. When it comes to handling emotions, we are all life-long learners. Some form of mindfulness in which we merely observe our emotions without judgment, trying to learn from what they are saying to us, may help in this area. Even journaling regularly about our emotions may help us get better in touch with them, which can, in turn, enhance our ability to share them with others.

Sometimes it isn’t the right time to express our emotions, and so a response of “I’m FINE” can be appropriate. But if that is the only response we know and the only tool we have in our emotional toolkit, we will be wise to expand our learning. Feelings do need to be examined, honored, and expressed so that we can be more positively connected with ourselves and others. 

Making It Personal:

1. Is there a particular emotion that is challenging for you to express? 

2. Is there a specific emotion that makes you uncomfortable when expressed by others? 

3. Do you see a connection between your two answers to these questions? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2 Episode 21: Standing in Love: (Part 5 of our 8-part series on our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being)

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Standing in Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, the topic of love will, of course, be the center of attention, with a primary focus on the feelings associated with love. Thought will be given to how to create the feeling of love, sustain it, and rekindle the feeling if it begins to fade. 

We are taking a little different approach. We are not going to focus on the feelings of love on Valentine's Day, but instead, we will focus on some thoughts about love. These thoughts apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought about love we'd like to offer is that love is as much a decision as it is a feeling. Feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Emotions, like moods, can take on a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as an accurate measure of the strength of a relationship. For this reason, it's wise to recognize that love is not only a matter of the heart, but is also very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent, for example, who lovingly cares for a sick child, or a person who becomes a caregiver to a loved one is most likely making a decision to be loving, even while their feelings of love may ebb and flow.

Imagine there is an unresolved conflict between two people who care about each other. This conflict, in this example, has created strain in the relationship, even to the point where they hardly speak to each other anymore. Now imagine one person, uncomfortable with this, decides to reach out to the other person and begin a process of healing and reconciliation. They likely are making that decision hoping it will lead to a restored feeling of closeness and connection. They are deciding to act in a loving way, even if the feeling of love is not currently present.

When the topic of love is considered, the focus is often on the feelings associated with falling in love. Popular culture often focuses on and celebrates the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like all the time. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, of course, knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory.

So given that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, we would like to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love, which is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling but also a decision. Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling, we can make daily decisions to stand in love in any relationship.

The quote above from poet Mary Oliver captures this with an economy of words. She reminds us to breathe in all the feelings that come and go in relationships and then to choose to breathe love out into our relationships and the world at large.  

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May we all decide to renew our commitment to standing in love with the people who matter most in our lives.  

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the idea that love is as much a decision as a feeling?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to express love, even if you weren't necessarily feeling it at the time?

3. Is there someone you would like to practice standing in love with right now? What could you do about that this week?

   (Today’s column on the wellness area of “Healthy Relationships” is the Fifth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2 Episode 20: Celebrating Playfulness (Part 4 of our 8-part series on our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being)

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Celebrating Playfulness 

Imagine you have just met someone who recently moved to the United States from another part of the world, and this person has never heard of Groundhog Day, so they ask you to explain it. You begin by telling them about a little town in Pennsylvania called Punxsutawney, hoping they don't ask you how to spell it. You explain that a groundhog named Phil lives there and is reported to be immortal, now having lived 137 years.  

You continue with how every year on February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil is placed inside a simulated stump in front of a large, cheering crowd. And the moment everyone waits for is when this rodent, a cousin to the squirrel, emerges from his "stump." It is then that we find out if he sees his shadow or not. If he does, it means six more weeks of winter; if he does not, spring is just around the corner. Every news outlet has something to say about the events in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day, and never does a groundhog receive so much attention on social media. 

By this point, you and your friend are probably having a good laugh about how cold weather can get to all of us sooner or later. You both realize how winter can even make a country of otherwise rational people celebrate a winter festival centered around a groundhog predicting the weather. The point of this fun celebration is just that--it is silly for sure and gives us all a chance to be playful.

When our kids were little, we, like many parents do, used to love reading silly stories to them. The more outlandish the story, the better. When we didn't have a good book to read, we were delighted to make stories up, spinning very elaborate yarns about a fictional family called the Langerts and their crazy adventures. These stories were just as silly as the stories we heard about a groundhog this week and were just as much fun. Groundhog Day is proof that we never outgrow our love of silly stories. 

There are many, many serious things going on in the world today. There is a time to be very serious about life, and most of us do "serious" pretty well. What's more challenging for many of us is remembering to make time for play and silliness.

Punxsutawney Phil made his prediction this week, and so we would like to make one of our own. If we don't make time for playfulness in our lives, we predict there may be more weeks of gray clouds ahead. However, if you can make some time for fun in your life, we predict a new spring in your step will be just around the corner.

Making It Personal:

When was the last time you did or enjoyed something playful or fun? 

When was the last time you let your imagination run wild? 

What's something you could do this week that would be playful? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 19: Loving Every Body: Part Three of Our Eight-Part Series on Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being

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Loving Every Body

  It's about that time of year when the resolve that felt so strong at the beginning of the new year begins to fade. One reason may be that the resolution to change was not rooted in self-love, but instead in self-doubt or self-criticism.  

  As the quote above states so clearly, there are those who profit by creating self-doubt, with subtle and not-so-subtle messages that we are not okay as we are. If only we had more of this, less of that, looked more like this, achieved more of that, possessed more of this, or experienced more of that, maybe then, or even only then, could we be truly content.  

  We ground everything we offer in our Wellness Compass initiative in self-love. So, for example, if and when a person wants to make a change, we first help them to make sure that their desire to change comes from a source of positive motivation, not from a place of self-criticism, self-doubt, or because someone else thinks they need to change.  

  The most common New Year's resolutions each year relate to how we care for our bodies and our physical well-being. This area of wellness is often filled with shame and self-criticism. Social media and the messages of our popular culture can create a sense of self-doubt. 

  Here's a little exercise to try. If someone asked you, "What do you really like about your body," how easily could you answer, and how long would your list be? Compare that to your response if someone instead asked, "What do you currently not like about your body?" For many of us, the answers to the second question come much easier, while we have to think much harder about our responses to the first question. Another simple exercise is this: When you look in the mirror, what are the first thoughts that come to mind? These questions are meant to help us be more aware of our inner voices and what they are saying to us about how we feel about our bodies.

 If you made a resolution related to the care for your body and are struggling to stay with it, take a moment to examine your motivation. And if you want to start over again, perhaps you can start by simply resolving to fully love your body as it is. If you start with that, then your body can let you know if or when there is something it would like to be different. It's similar to how we care for a good friend. We don't ever use shame or doubt to get them to change. But if there is a change they want to make, we are quick to offer our love and support to help them make that change. Perhaps we can provide that same kind of approach to ourselves.  

Making It Personal

1.  How did you respond to the questions about what you like about your body vs. what you don't like? Which was easier for you to answer?

2.  Can you think of a time when you decided to change how you cared for your physical well-being from a motive of loving self-care? If so, what did you learn from that experience?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 18: Spirituality & Well-Being: Part One of Our Eight-Part Series on Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being

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We teach children how to measure and how to weigh. We fail to teach them how to revere, how to sense wonder and awe.

— Harold S. Kushner

Spirituality, Awe, and Wellness

The word “awesome” has become so ubiquitous that it has nearly lost its meaning. Originally it referred to being “profoundly reverential,” something that inspired deep wonder and mystery. Today it has simply come to mean something that is “impressive or very good.”

If, for no other reason, one benefit of reconnecting with the original meaning of awe is that doing so is good for our health and well-being. This fact was reported in a New York Times article this week about a newly published book, “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life” by a psychologist named Dr. Dacher Keltner. You can read the article HERE.  

Here’s a quote from the article: “In his book, Dr. Keltner writes that awe is critical to our well-being — just like joy, contentment‌ , and love. His research suggests it has tremendous health benefits that include calming down our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the “love” hormone that promotes trust and bonding.”

Dr. Keltner believes that our capacity to experience awe is something that can be cultivated. He recommends explicitly four practices: 

1.  Pay attention.

2.  Focus on the goodness and moral beauty of others.

3.  Practice mindfulness.

4.  Be willing sometimes to choose the unfamiliar path. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of well-being takes a whole-person approach to wellness that focuses on eight interconnecting dimensions of well-being. One of those eight areas is Spirituality, an area of wellness that includes the capacity to both experience and express awe. 

As with each of the eight areas of our Wellness Compass, spirituality is not something we simply have or don’t have. It is something that can be nurtured and strengthened, be it in a religious sense or not. Adopting a regular spiritual practice that connects us with a higher and transcendent dimension of life will strengthen the spiritual dimension of our lives.

We are grateful for the affirming research and suggestions Dr. Keltner offers in his new book that supports this idea. We also appreciate his practical ideas for deepening our spirituality and our capacity to experience awe.

Making It Personal:

1.  When was the last time you experienced a profound sense of awe? What did you experience?

2.  What do you think about the idea that experiencing awe can be cultivated? 

3.  What connection do you see or feel between spirituality, awe, and your overall well-being?  

4.  As the new year begins, is there anything you to kindle or rekindle the spiritual dimension of your life?

(Today’s column is the first in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 17: Your Life's Calling: Part Two of Our Eight-Part Series on Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being

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We remember going to a funeral many years ago where it was said about the person (his name was Robert) whose life was being remembered, "I think his calling in life was to be a good friend because he was truly a dear friend to everyone who knew him." The idea of being a good friend as a "calling in life" has always stayed with us. 

It's easy to assume that a "life calling" needs to be something grand and remarkable. For example, we just celebrated Martin Luther King Day, a celebration of a man who had the courage to follow a genuinely grand and remarkable calling. While none of us will likely have the kind of impact on the world that King did, each of us can aspire to a more "local" calling, such as being a good friend or neighbor to others. To quote Dr. King, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way." 

Another word for "our calling in life" is our vocation, which happens to be one of our eight areas of well-being in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. And as we continue our eight-part series on our whole-person approach to wellness, we invite you to reflect on how you feel about your sense of calling or vocation in life.  

The quote at the top of this column, that some attribute to Aristotle, says that vocation is where our talents and the world's needs meet. With this definition in mind, our vocation can be expressed in and through our paid work, our volunteer service, and/or our role as a parent, partner, spouse, aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, or friend. 

Our "calling in life" sometimes shifts and strengthens as we move through the different stages and ages of our lives. Many people, for example, talk about one of the benefits of being older is that they have more ability and time to give back to the world than they did when they were younger. Giving back to the world is one way they can align their talents with the world's needs and live out their "calling."

The beginning of a new year is a typical time to reflect on our lives, so we are exploring a different area of well-being each week in our January and February columns (and our corresponding podcast episodes). This week we invite you to use the "Making It Personal" questions below to take a moment to reflect on your sense of calling or vocation and how that is impacting your overall sense of wellness right now.  

Making It Personal:

1.  If someone asked you, "what do you think your calling in life is how would you answer? If you are unsure, take some time over the next few days or weeks to think about it.

2.  Has your sense of how you want to give back to the world shifted over your lifetime?

3.  Is there a shift you are sensing that you want to make right now, one that would help you more fully connect your "gifts and talents with the needs of the world" and help you better express your sense of calling?

4.  If you are working (in whatever way you define work right now), how satisfied are you with your work/life balance?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 16: Changing From the Inside Out

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Changing From the Inside Out

Have you ever said, "yes" to doing something for the wrong reason? Maybe it was peer pressure, or thinking you should say "yes," or because you didn't want to disappoint someone, or even that you didn't really think through your decision before responding.

In our experience, this is what happens with many people who make New Year's resolutions. They say, “yes" to making a change for the wrong reason. Maybe they say, "yes" because it's what they think someone is supposed to do at this time of year. Or because others are encouraging them to make a resolution and you don't want to disappointment them. Or even because they are worried about coming across as a person who isn't willing to commit to growth and self-improvement.  

In these scenarios, what is happening is that a person is making a decision from the "outside in." They are responding to an external prompt to do something rather than an internal prompt. Studies have shown that when any commitment to change, such as a a New Year's resolution, is made from the “outside in," it has a minimal chance of happening.

So our advice is that if you want to make a resolution to change—at the beginning of a new year or at any time—you do it from the "inside, out." This involves first deeply listening to what whispers you are getting from your life. Listen to your heart. Listen to your body. Listen to your spirit.

Our lives are always speaking to us, but we are not always listening. What is your life saying to you right now, and based on that, is there a change you want to work to make? Creating a resolution, something you feel strongly will create greater wellness in your life, to change from the "inside, out,” will give you a much better chance of making and sustaining the change.You are making a particular change because you genuinely want to make it, and not because you think you “should," or not because you are trying to please someone else.

Tens of thousands of people have visited https://www.wellnesscompass.org/assessments to take our online self-assessments (adult, parent and teen versions) because they find them to be an effective tool to help them listen to their lives from the “inside out." We share them with you in the hopes that you might find it helpful, too.

We wish each and every one of you a happy and healthy New Year.

Making It Personal:

1.  What do you think of the value of creating change from the "outside in" vs. the “inside out?” 

2.  What helps you listen to your life, helping to revealany possible changes you want to make?

3.  Is there an intention or resolution that you are considering right now? What might your first step be in making that change?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 15: A Conspiracy of Love

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A Conspiracy of Love

Last week we wrote about lessons we learned from attending a holiday concert performed by the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra and their chorus. This week, we attended a very different kind of holiday concert. This one was performed by our grandson and his third-grade classmates, and it, too, was spectacular in its own innocent way.

It’s hard to say who was smiling more at the concert—the children or their families. After each song, we noticed something very special. We saw the parents making a heart shape with their hands and then moving their hands from their hearts toward their children, sending them all the love their hearts were filled with at that moment. What we witnessed was the essence of this quote from Hamilton Wright Mabie, “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”

And now it’s our turn to do the same with all of you. As we write this final column of the year, we hold our hands over our hearts and send each of you love and good wishes for the holidays. However you celebrate, may you be blessed by and participate in a “conspiracy of love.”

We look forward to continuing to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness with you in the new year.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 24: The Shelter of Each Other

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It is in the Shelter of Each Other that The People Live. This and other Irish wisdom are focus of this weeks episode.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 23: Choosing the Power of Love Over the Love of Power

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The quote above dreams of a time when we finally come to recognize that the power of love is greater than the love of power. With the horror of what's going on in Ukraine right now, this reality may seem far off. And yet, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, we still believe that the arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends toward love, justice, and peace.

Many of us are privileged to have never experienced the devastating violence of war, yet are impacted by it nevertheless. And so, in such times, we turn to the wisdom of spiritual leaders, those whose faith has been tested by the trials of war and violence, for solace and hope. Two such spiritual leaders passed away this past year, who lived through violent times in their own countries, Thich Nhat Hanh and Desmond Tutu. When these two spiritual teachers spoke of the power of love being greater than the love of power, we listened. We invite you too, to hear what they have to say.

"Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other."  Desmond Tutu

"Human beings are not our enemy. Our enemy is not the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit." 

Thich Nhat Hanh.  

The two of us are marriage and family therapists. While we can't speak with any authority about world affairs, we can speak from our decades of experience as teachers and therapists about what contributes to conflict and peace. When it comes to our personal and interpersonal wellness, the power of love is truly more potent than the love of power. Never is the love of power better than the power of love, be it in the intimacy of our homes and families, in our relationships at school or work, in our communities, our countries, and the world. Love and respect are the foundations of peace and well-being.

The universal reaction of horror to what is happening in Ukraine speaks of our knowing without question that the love of power is morally wrong. Our hope is that our outrage and sorrow can be a reminder for each of us to do our part in our corners of the universe, to be people who live by the power of love and not the love of power. 

Making It Personal:

1.  What speaks to you in the quote from Desmond Tutu and Thich Nhat Hanh?

2.  What helps you choose the power of love rather than the love of power?

3.  What concretely can you do this week to show those around you that you believe in the power of love?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive a weekly email that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 22: We Don't Talk About....

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A Disney movie was the last place we expected to find powerful and profound insight about what happens when families avoid having difficult conversations. And yet that is just what we discovered when we recently sat down and watched their latest movie entitled, "Encanto."  


We promise not to share too many details about the movie, in case you haven't watched it yet. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may have heard the song "We Don't Talk About Bruno," one of the many popular tunes from the film. (You can listen to it HERE). The title of this song describes an all too common way people avoid difficult or unpleasant conversations, which is to adopt an attitude of "we don't talk about ……." In "Encanto," the reason for shunning the family member named Bruno is that he has dared to speak of things the family doesn't want to think about, let alone discuss. His family instead pretends that he doesn't exist, trying to ignore the problem rather than face the truth he has spoken.  
 I

t is not unusual for groups of people (families, friends, organizations, etc.) to have unwritten rules about things that should not be discussed. Some common examples are:  


"We don't talk about conflict, 

"We don't talk about money, 

"We don't talk about how much so and so drinks, 

"We don't talk about our feelings, and "We don't talk about religion, sex, or politics."   


It is easy to internalize these unwritten rules as simply a given that can't be questioned if everyone silently agrees to follow them as a way of keeping a false sense of peace. The paradox is that not talking about something difficult usually makes it worse, as the suppressed emotions build in intensity. So not talking about conflict, for example, almost always guarantees the conflict will eventually spill out in a way that is likely hurtful to all involved.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 21: What You Appreciate, Appreciates

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What You Appreciate, Appreciates 
   

A few weeks ago, we wrote about several specific things we can do to strengthen any relationship. One of the things we mentioned was the simple practice of showing appreciation. This week we want to expand a little more on this because we know that, while simple, it is easy to forget the importance of offering appreciation regularly and freely. 
   It is worth noting that the root for the word appreciation also serves as a root for the words precious, price, and praise. This helps us realize that when we praise someone, we help them feel precious and increase their sense of value and self-worth.   
   

When we think of the act of showing appreciation, we find it helpful to think of a continuum. The person who has a habit of actively and regularly showing appreciation is on the far right side of the continuum. On the other end, the far left side is someone who is instead often critical and for whom depreciating others happens regularly. In the middle of the continuum—the neutral point—is a person who is neither appreciative nor critical. When we are at this neutral point, we are likely taking others for granted. In reality, we may feel appreciative of others but rarely make the effort to express it, so others never know.   
   

Imagine taking a potted plant in a shady corner of the room and moving it in front of a southern-facing window on a bright sunny day. Soon you will see the plant stretching tall and opening up to the sunlight. Appreciation has the same effect on people. But don't just take our word for it. Try it yourself, and notice how gradually the person you are showing appreciation to opens up their heart to you and may even stand just a little bit taller.   
 Here are some examples of the principle of "what we appreciate, appreciates."  
 If we tell a child how precious they are to us simply because we want them to know how much we love them, we will likely see their face light up, if not their whole body. 
 If we let someone know we appreciate their efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge. 
 If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for another, we encourage more acts of kindness. 
 When we call someone who is alone and who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and likely make their day. 


We are sure you can think of additional examples from your own life of how "what we appreciate, appreciates," and we encourage you to do so. 
 We want to express how much we appreciate you! Thank you for reading our column each week (and for those who listen to our companion podcast, thank you also), and thank you for the feedback you often give to us. It means the world to us, and please know will never take that for granted. 
 Making It Personal Prompts: In general, where would you place yourself on the continuum of being critical—taking for granted (neutral)—being appreciative? Are you happy with your response? Can you think of a time when you experienced the power of appreciation—either when you expressed appreciation to someone else or when someone appreciated you? How did it feel? Is there a specific person in your life that you would like to offer more appreciation to right now?  

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 20: The Gift of Listening

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The Gift of Listening

Last week's column talked about the importance of nurturing our relationships on a regular basis, remembering that the "grass is always greener where we water it." We talked about three specific ways to strengthen any relationship: listening, expressing appreciation, and making time to play and have fun together. This week's column focuses on the gift of listening.

Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed, just like any other skill. With attention and intention, we can all become better listeners. In high school and college, we both remember how we attended several classes which focused on public speaking, but neither of us can recall a class that focused on being a better listener.  

If we have any doubt about how valuable the gift of listening is, we only need to remember back to a time when someone extended the gift of deep, authentic listening to us. This may have been a time when someone listened not just to our words but the feelings beneath the words. How did that feel? Chances are, we felt like our spirits had been lifted, and both our well-being and our relationship with the person who offered us the gift of listening were both a bit greener due to this watering we were given.  

Because we are marriage and family therapists, people reach out to us to talk about what's on their minds. During the pandemic, people have often said, "I don't expect you or anyone else to solve my challenges. And I don't need advice or superficial positivity. Mostly I just need someone to listen. I want to feel heard and understood." Don't we all long for this?

Valentines Day has come and gone, and the need to nurture and care for our relationships with our friends, families, colleagues, and neighbors remains. And one of the best ways any of us can do that is to offer others the simple gift of deep and authentic listening.  

Making It Personal (We offer these prompts to help you listen more deeply to what emerges for you as you reflect on what you have read).

1.  Are you aware of any habits that interfere with you being a good listener, such as interrupting, giving advice, being distracted by screens, or multitasking?

2.  What's one thing you could do differently to be a better listener?

3.  To whom might you work at being a better listener this week?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Episode 19: The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

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The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is only natural to reflect on the relationships in our lives, and not just romantic relationships, but on all of our life-nurturing connections. As marriage and family therapists, we talk with people regularly about repairing and strengthening their connections with others, and we know that few things impact the quality of our lives more than the health of our relationships.  

One of our favorite sayings about relationships is the quote above, “The grass is always greener where we water it.” The wisdom of this saying is that we are wise not to focus on finding greener pastures somewhere else, but instead to nurture and grow the vitality of the relationships we already have. This wisdom applies to caring for all areas of our lives, including our spiritual lives, the work we do in the world, caring for our bodies, as well as our actual gardens! Because like a garden, all relationships require regular watering and attention.

Here are three concrete ways we know water our connections with others. As you read these, you might find yourself thinking about a specific relationship that you would like to water right now. 

These three ideas are quite simple yet essential in maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. The simple act of doing these three things on a regular basis will have a profound positive effect on any and all of our relationships.  

The first is to show regular appreciation for and to the people we care about. No one has probably ever been wrong when they have said, “I sometimes take you and what you do for granted and don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you.” Don’t just take our word about the power of appreciation. Try it today with someone and notice the immediate effect it has.

A second thing we can do to strengthen our connection with others is to be better listeners. On the weekly podcast that is a companion to this column, Holly tells a beautiful story of a time when her grandparents offered her a timely gift of listening when she was working as a student-teacher back in college. Even though this experience happened over forty years ago, you can tell when you listen to her talk about it just how important that gift of listening was for her, and how lovingly she still remembers it. Listening means that much to us.

Our last suggestion for watering our relationship is to remember the importance of having fun together. Play is not a nice “extra” in a relationship, but is essential to keeping relationships energized. Recreation is another word for play. We like to think of the word as “re-creation.” Every relationship we have created in our lives will benefit from intentional times of “re-creation” and reconnecting.

As we said, each of these three ideas is so simple, even obvious. What is not so simple is remembering to make them a regular habit. Good for you if these are already regular habits in your close relationships. If not, there is no time like today to make a new start, remembering that the grass is always greener where we water it.  

 Making It Personal Questions:

1.  Is there someone, in particular, to whom you want to express more appreciation right now? How will you do that?

2.  Is there someone to whom you want to more fully offer the gift of listening? When and how will you offer that gift?

3.  What kind of fun activity might you want to plan with a family member or friend in the next week or so that would create positive and re-creative energy?

Episode 18: The Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change (Part 6 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

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In this episode, we complete our six-part series on understanding the process of growth and change by reflecting on a paraphrase of the opening words of the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr.   
 "Seek the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  the courage to change the things you can,  and the wisdom to know the difference." 


The first five columns in this series (and accompanying podcast episodes) have been focused more on "the courage to change the things you can." This final column focuses more on the first part of the prayer, "the serenity to accept the things you cannot change." 


One of the most influential spiritual teachers of our day passed away a few weeks ago. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote over thirty books about the practices of love, peace, and mindfulness. He is perhaps the person most responsible for introducing the benefits of mindfulness to the West, having first come and taught in the United States in the 1960s. He was a close friend of Martin Luther King and Thomas Merton. He taught and modeled the principles of love, peace, and serenity to all, never wanting to convert anyone to his Buddhist faith, but always wanting to help people live more fully the teachings of their own faith.   For us, Thich Nhat Hahn's particular gift was his ability to fully acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists in the world and yet, at the same time, speak authentic words of how love, hope, and peace in the face of suffering. His writings articulate a deeply spiritual path to finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. Yet it is important to add that, like Martin Luther King, he was a tireless advocate for changing the things that we can change, such as the societal conditions that add to injustice, conflict, and suffering.   


The pandemic has affected each of us differently. Some have experienced minimal loss and disruption, while others have experienced unfathomable stress and suffering. We all have had plenty of opportunities to practice finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. An old joke says, "I asked God to give more patience and what I got was more opportunities to practice it!" Like this joke, we have all been given more than enough opportunities to practice and develop the spiritual practices of letting go and finding serenity amidst the many challenges we have faced over the last two years, particularly the ones we could not or cannot change.   


As we complete our six-part series, we want to remember that opportunities to change and grow come in many forms. Sometimes they come as things we can change, but require our courage and commitment. Other times they present as opportunities to find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. And always it involves developing the wisdom to know the difference.  
 We close with a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh and our usual "Making It Personal" questions. 


"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today," Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. 


Making It Personal: 
 What has helped you find peace when facing challenges that seem unchangeable in the past? What challenge or suffering are you experiencing right now that falls into the category of "things you cannot change"? What is helping you find serenity in the midst of that challenge?  Is there something more you would like to do to enhance your capacity to accept things you cannot change right now?

Episode 17: The Wisdom of the J Curve (#5 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change

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 (This is the fifth column in our six-part series on Understanding the Process of Growth and Change. If you missed one, you can find all of them on this page)

In this episode, Scott and Holly teach listeners about the concept of the “J” Curve and how it is helpful for us to understand the process of change—whether the change we are experiencing is planned or unplanned.

Episode 16: Comfort, Growth Zone, Panic Zone (#4 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

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 (This is the fourth column in our six-part series on Understanding the Process of Growth and Change. If you missed one, you can find all of them HERE.) 
  

In early 2020 I, (Scott) distinctly remember saying to my work team that I could not ever see myself embracing the idea of working remotely. Being together at the office every day was my comfort zone. It was how I had worked for over thirty years, and therefore it was the only way I could imagine continuing to function. The thought of working remotely was way outside of my comfort zone at that time, and I saw no reason to change.  


Then the pandemic came, and there went my work comfort zone. No longer able to continue my old familiar patterns, I had no choice except to grow and change. With the help of our open-minded and flexible team, I am happy to say that I have come to enjoy working remotely and have embraced my new online world. I have also learned that some of the things we do, such as training others to use our materials, actually work better online.   


I love the statement, "Resisting change is like holding your breath; if you succeed, it usually doesn't end well." I like it because it describes how I initially responded to the work disruptions caused by COVID. I held my breath and said to myself, "This can't last very long. Surely I can hold my breath until we return to normal." Obviously, that plan didn't work out so well. I'm breathing easier these days and am grateful that my willingness to step out of my comfort zone regarding work gradually changed, and now I'm luckily breathing more easily while working from home. (In sharing this, I certainly realize how fortunate I am to have a job that could adapt to being online. And my heart goes out to those who have lost their jobs or had to work in extremely trying conditions because of COVID).  


In our Wellness Compass resources, we teach a model of change that includes three concentric circles. The inner circle is the Comfort Zone, the middle circle is the Growth Zone, and the outermost ring is the Panic Zone. This model reminds us that all growth is, by definition, uncomfortable because it is outside of our current Comfort Zone. It also shows us that sometimes we are thrown out of our Comfort Zone and land in the Panic Zone. That's where I was in terms of my work when the pandemic hit. With time, effort, and support, I eventually moved into the Growth Zone.   


Growth and change are uncomfortable. Sometimes they can even create feelings of panic. We hope this series on growth and change will help you breathe a little easier the next time you need to adapt to or make a significant change.   


Making It Personal: 


1. When life invites you to change, how do you typically react?

2. Are you in a Panic Zone or Growth Zone right now in your life? Or do you know someone who is?

3. If you answered yes to question two, either for yourself or someone you know, what support do you or they need in order to breathe more easily in the midst of the change?

Episode 15: Stages of Change (#3 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

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Stages of Change

Have you ever been unsuccessful in an attempt to create some kind of change in your life? Have you ever been frustrated in your attempt to lead a group of people through a process of change? If you are like us, you can think of many times when your answer to these questions would be, “Of course!”  

If you, too, have been disappointed in your ability to create or lead change, you may be interested in learning that a theory of change known as the “Stages of Change Model” could explain why it was such a challenge. This helpful model is based on the foundational truth that change doesn’t just happen because we want it to; it happens instead when we remember that it is a process and not simply an event.

We typically think of change as an action, such as “Last year I changed my diet,” “I retired recently,” or “I moved to a new city.” While change does include doing something different, the wisdom of the Stages of Change Model is that before there is action, there are preliminary steps everyone takes before they actually take the action we think of as change.  

Here, in summary, are descriptions of the five stages of change we all go through regularly, regarding both big and small things. At the end of each description, we provide an example of that stage as it applies to a hypothetical person wanting to begin a walking program. While reading, think about some change you have either recently made, or are in the midst of making right now. 

Pre-contemplation. This means that the person has not, or is not even considering making a change. They may have not yet considered the prospect, seen a need for change, or may even have decided against the idea altogether. At this stage, they are not likely to respond positively to suggestions to change.

Example: “I’ve never been a person who has exercised, and I have no desire to start now.”

Contemplation. This is where a person first senses that there is something they want to change and that they would benefit from doing things differently. At this stage, a person has some initial awareness or hears some whisper for a need or desire to change or grow. 

Example: “I’ve never exercised, but as I get older, I’m starting to think I could benefit from being more active. I might even want to walk a 5K someday.” 

Preparation. Here the focus begins to change from the need or problem the person wants to address to considering possible solutions. People at this stage begin to gather information about what could help support their desire to live differently, and will start seeking the resources they will need to help support their efforts. 

Example: “I’m going to talk to my friend who walks in 5K fundraisers, and find out when the next one is, and how best to prepare for it, and then buy some walking shoes.”

Action. Here people have begun to take concrete steps to make the change a reality. The actions taken are focused and support the changes they envision for themselves. (This is what most people think of as change, not realizing that real change is actually a long, thoughtful process.)

Example: “I bought some walking shoes over the weekend, and this week I walked before work three different mornings..”  

Maintenance. Having maintained the desired change and growth for an extended period of time (somewhere in the range of three to six months), there is good evidence that the change will be a lasting one. The new way of doing things has become a new habit, something that doesn’t require a great deal of conscious thought and energy. 

Example: “I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I walk so often, and I’m so proud of myself since I have completed my first two 5K walks.”

Many of us made New Years Resolutions a few weeks ago, and some of us have even given up on them already. A primary reason that change plans, like resolutions, fail is that we move too quickly to Action. In order for our plans to be successful, we have to honor the fact that before we attempt a change, we need to allow enough time to think through all its aspects and ramifications, and prepare for it adequately. Taking time for the Contemplation and Preparation stages allows for a greater chance of success. In fact, a significant change might require six months, a year, or longer to work thoughtfully through the first two stages, before we are ready to take Action.  

As life is full of constant decisions and possibilities for change, it is helpful to understand all that is involved in making a significant change, and give ourselves the time to acknowledge and honor the entire process we are always going through. We hope this brief introduction to the Stages of Change Theory is helpful as you think about the changes you are in the midst of, or are considering making in the future. 

Please listen to this week’s episode of our Wellness Compass podcast for a more in-depth discussion of The Stages of Change, and how it can help you be kind to yourself during the inevitable changes in your life. You can find it HERE or by following the links below.  

Making It Personal:

1.  What do you think of the idea that change is a process, not an event?

2.  Have you ever moved too quickly to the Action stage of change without giving adequate time to Contemplation and Preparation? What happened?

3.  How does the Stages of Change Theory help you understand a change that you are in the process of considering right now?

Episode 14: Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way (#2 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

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Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way

This column is part two of a six-part series on growth and change. While the timing of these columns is related to the beginning of a new year—a time when many people take stock and seek to make a change—what we are writing about here is timeless and applies to any kind of change, whether personal, relational, or organizational.  

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why," or reason for making the change. On our Wellness Compass podcast episode this week, Holly shared a personal story of a change she started making about a year ago. She came to the awareness that our grandchildren are getting older and much more active, and she needed to make some changes to keep up with their abundant energy. She changed her eating habits and started a disciplined routine of working out that now has her feeling much more strength and stamina. As she says on the podcast, "I didn't want to watch my grandkids be active from sitting in my rocking chair." She is more able than ever now to be physically active with them.

On the podcast, she talks about how there are certainly days when she doesn't feel like working out or eating well, but then she remembers her "why"—the reason she is making the change, and when she does that, her resolve stays strong.  

Author Simon Sinek writes a great deal about change. He says that most people only focus on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That is their "what." They may have a "how," a plan about how they will do this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit their screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify that they want to spend less time on screen so that they can spend more quality time connecting with others, or pursuing other meaningful activities, or getting more sleep, then there is a greater chance they will be able to make a lasting change in their relationship with screens.

All great leaders inspire with a clear "why." Desmond Tutu, who recently passed away, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. His "why" that kept him going even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers was deeply grounded in his faith, which taught him that all people are created equal, and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. "What" he did, and "how" he did it may have evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why' never wavered, and it was what sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

We all see numerous Christmas trees lying by the street this time of year, waiting to get picked up and recycled. These trees are dry and withered at this point because they were cut off from the root system that nourished them a few months ago. Our desires to change and grow will have the same fate if they are not rooted in a clear and compelling "why."

Making It Personal

1.  What do you think about the quote "Find your why and you'll find your way?"

2.  Can you think of a change you made in your life in the past that was fueled by a clear "why"?

3.  Is there a change you are making now or want to make that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why?"
   

Episode 13: Listening for A Change (#1 In Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

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Listening for a Change

  Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, many of us do take stock of our lives this time of year, pausing to reflect on whether there are any changes we want to make. Apart from it being the start of a new year, the pandemic has disrupted all of our lives, sometimes forcing change upon us and other times clarifying for us a change we want or need to make. 

   One concept that we have found to be helpful when it comes to change, both for ourselves and the clients we work with, is the idea of "listening to the whispers." It is based on the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening and that a desire or need for change often first makes itself known to us as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something is just not as we wish it to be. The whisper could be something like: 

"I am feeling the need to strengthen/repair my relationship with _______. I'm not sure how to do that, and frankly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time.”

"I used to do more ________, and I am missing that. I'm going to find a way to get back to it in the next few months.”

"I think the amount of stress in my life is starting to take a toll on me, and I want to do something about it.”

"I seem to be drinking more than before, and it's impacting my relationships with others. I want to turn that around before it gets worse." 

"I'm not sure I want to stay in this job much longer. I am going to begin taking steps to find a new one.”

"I know I'm being called to get more involved in issues facing my community. I'm going to talk to people I know who are doing the kind of things I want to be doing.”

"There are issues in our family that can no longer be ignored. I know we could be a stronger family if we were to start having more honest conversations.”

"I hear my friends talk about how important meditation is to them and what a positive effect it has on them. I'm going to look into that.”

  That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. When a whisper is ignored, though, it seldom goes away. The usual progression is that the whisper gets louder, and then gradually our inner voice begins to shout at us. What happens then if even the shout does not get our attention? Something will eventually happen, some negative consequence, sometimes even a crisis, something so obvious that we can no longer ignore what is going on. 

  When it comes to our personal and relational wellness, it is essential that we learn to listen to the hints in our lives that tell us when something is out of balance. Healthy individuals, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this on a regular and proactive basis. They regularly take an honest look in the mirror. And because they know that even then, they can still fool themselves, they regularly seek out honest feedback from others they trust. They build open feedback loops into their lives so that they can adapt and respond to any warning signs that emerge. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us, and being willing to listen to the messages that announce that something needs to be different. 

   Our lives are always speaking to us. The question is, "Are we listening?" 

Here are a few "Making It Personal" questions meant to help promote listening more closely to what our lives are saying to us  now.  

Making It Personal

1.  What are your thoughts about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?

2.  Can you think of a time in your life when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it resulted in making a positive change?

3.  Listening to your life right now, what is one positive change you want to make as we start the new year?

Happy New Year from the Wellness Compass Initiative.  

*Many people find our Wellness Compass Self-Assessment tool to be helpful for "Listening to the Whispers." You can find it here on our website, www.wellnesscompass.org, at the top of the navigation bar.  Click there and you can download a PDF of the self-assessment.