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Changing Your Perspective, Changes Your Experience by D. Scott and Holly Hughes Stoner
Years ago, when I (Holly) was in high school and college, I was lucky enough to take several drawing classes, some with still lifes or inanimate objects and others with live models. I learned a lot in those classes and only some of what I learned had to do with actually capturing what I saw on paper. I learned other lessons then that have helped me in life over the years.
I learned then to look very closely and to seriously study what I was seeing. Was what I was seeing really what was there, or was my vantage point skewed in some way? I learned to look for variations in light and dark, shapes and colors, and how they intersected and faded into one another. We learned that our perspective made a huge difference and that seeing anything from a different point of view made the subject look very different from what we had first seen, yet it was still correct.
We were encouraged to move about the room, getting closer and further away, standing up on a chair or crouching down low, always observing what was before us, but from a different angle. All of this was an attempt to teach us that different perspectives would yield different views and that the ability to view things from multiple perspectives would yield a better and more in-depth understanding of the subject before us.
As marriage and family therapists, we also know about the importance of multiple perspectives. For example, imagine a teen and parent are locked in a conflict where each can only see the critical behavior of the other, both feeling that this conflict can only get better when the other changes their behavior. A breakthrough occurs when, for example, the teen can share that they are hurting because of some significant challenge they are facing, so underneath their angry, argumentative behavior, they are hiding sadness and vulnerability. Once this is shared, the parent softens, and their whole perspective changes. The parent then reveals that underneath their anger and judgment is really a feeling of concern and worry. Healing and reconciliation occur in the relationship when they share their unexpressed feelings, making it possible to gradually shift their perspectives.
One trait that significantly aids us in our ability to expand our perspective on a matter is curiosity. Don’t just take our word on this. The next time you find yourself entertaining a negative judgment about someone’s behavior or position on a matter, try suspending that judgment long enough to be curious. Ask questions to understand more about what the person is thinking or feeling. Try looking at what is occurring from their point of view. Remain open to other ways to understand what is happening. This very openness will often strengthen the relationship, even if, in the end, you still agree to see things differently..
We have all likely had the experience of forming a quick judgment about someone and their behavior. And then, later, once we learned more of their story, we came to see them differently. Our ability to suspend judgment and remain curious expands our perspective, and our experience of them changes.
In this time of polarized perspectives, both in the world and even in relationships, inviting us to consider multiple perspectives is indeed a road less traveled. But it is one that we repeatedly have found to be beneficial, whether in drawing and art, or in our relationships with others.
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ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT, are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.