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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.
What We Pay Attention to in Our Relationships is What Will Grow.
As we announced last week in our first column for this “season” (September 2024-May 2025), our focus for this season will be relationships. Based on the number of responses we got from our column readers and podcast listeners, we know we are not alone in both having joys in our relationships that we celebrate as well as challenges that we sometimes face. Thank you to everyone who shared your joys, concerns, and time-tested advice for building and maintaining strong emotional connections. We are still reading through the responses and look forward to sharing some of them (anonymously, of course) in future columns and addressing the many questions you have raised.
Our lesson for this week is simple in concept and yet sometimes challenging to remember: What we pay attention to in our relationships is what will grow.
Getting stuck in a loop of complaints and what’s “wrong” in any relationship is not uncommon. This focus can quickly become a bad habit loop, especially when both people are engaged in the cycle. The more attention we give to the negative aspects of another or a relationship, the more significant those aspects seem to become, creating a cycle where conflict can grow and eventually overshadow what is good.
However, when we shift our focus to the positive—such as qualities we love or value in the other person—something powerful happens. As people begin to reflect on what they appreciate or love about the other person the tension often eases. What we focus on grows. If we choose to focus on appreciation, kindness, and love, those aspects can begin to flourish again in the relationship. This focus in and of itself may not resolve the conflicts that sparked the negative cycle, but it does provide us the perspective and the space we need to address the inevitable conflicts or differences in opinion that come up in all relationships.
Several years ago, we were asked to consult with a group of nonprofit leaders who were stuck in a cycle of conflict and criticism. A few important issues were at the center of their negative cycle. In our first two meetings with them, we chose not to address directly the conflicts they were experiencing, but instead, we spent intentional time having them tell us what they loved most and were most proud of in their work with this organization. Most of them had been there a long time and so they had many beautiful stories to share. As these stories were shared we could feel the tension in the room begin to subside. And once the tension was reduced and they were able to remember the bigger context of their important mission, they were able to work more creatively in resolving the genuine conflicts they were still facing.
A good piece of advice often given to parents is to, “Catch your children doing something good.” This advice is especially helpful if the parent has been focusing on their child’s negative behavior and losing sight of the good that is inevitably also occurring. This great advice actually works well in all relationships, so it is wise for all of us to remember it.
Let’s remember to catch each other doing something good and freely express our appreciation. Doing so will strengthen our relationships and give us calmer, more creative spaces to address any conflicts we might have.
Making It Personal: As always, we invite you to apply anything that has been helpful here to your own life. What matters most is not what we write or say but whether any of this helps you to be more aware and intentional in your life and relationships.
What’s one takeaway from this column you might put into practice this week? What specifically could you do?
We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you.
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ABOUT THE CREATORS:
Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT, are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.