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What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode. We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.
Holly: Welcome to the Wellness Compass podcast. I'm Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here today with my husband Scott. And we are the co-directors of the Wellness Compass Initiative. You can find out more at WellnessCompass.org. We create all kinds of materials, this podcast being one of those. The goal of all our resources is to help people become a little bit more aware and intentional as they live their lives, in the hopes that they can create greater wellness for themselves.
Scott: We are both marriage and family therapists and we have four decades of experience each, helping families and individuals in one capacity or another. We also have four decades of experience in our own marriage and our own family. And while we have a professional background, we really host this podcast and this whole initiative as fellow travelers.
We love talking about these topics because it gets us thinking about them too.
And so, as Holly said, our tagline is that we are here every week to help you navigate your life with awareness and intention. So we're going to talk about that second word today. Last week, in the previous episode, we talked about awareness. This week we will be talking and thinking about intention and how important that is in our lives.
And I'm going to share with you what might be a groaner, but I think it applies.
The next time, in your life, you find yourself in tension, it might be a good time to stop and reflect on your intentions.
One cause of tension in my life is when my actions, my choices, my patterns or habits are out of alignment with my intentions. So if I say I intend to get more rest, if I intend to spend more time with the most important people in my life, I intend to do a better job of budgeting my food intake or my finances, but then I don't do that I'm going to experience tension. This is because there is a discrepancy between my actions and my intention. So it's helpful to think about the importance of intention and how intention can help us understand tension.
As a therapist and coach, when I see people, in a sense, they're there, they're showing up, they're reaching out to us for help because they’ve ended up where they didn't intend to be. There's tension because they're experiencing something that is out of alignment with where they had hoped or intended to be.
Holly: Right. We talked about awareness last week. And frankly, when somebody comes in, they are usually aware that there is some problem in their life, but they're not quite sure what to do about it. And they haven't set an intention yet, as to what they want to do differently going forward and they want to explore that.
They maybe know that their health isn't so great or they know that their relationship with someone in their family isn't so great. They may know something about their job is making them unhappy and they're bringing it home and complaining there, or whatever it is.
So their awareness is great, but then they have to start figuring out what they intend to differently going forward. “What am I going to do differently about it?”
As they figure out what to do differently they may also need to examine their intentions, and decide if they are serving the good in their life. Sometimes they'll say, “ I want to talk to my teenager and let them know who is who in this family.” This reaction might seem to serve well a little bit in the beginning, but it will hurt that relationship in the long run.
We don't usually realize that we have these kind of underlying or hidden intentions, things like, “I'm going to get even, or I'm going to do this to protect myself, or I have to prove to them my point, because I am right.” Any of us can have some underlying intentions that's not so healthy. There are things that are kind of unspoken that can get in the way of our greater intentions.
Scott: That is always such a turning point when I'm working with any relationship, whether it's business consulting, or nonprofit consulting, or marriage or family counseling. When the both of the two parties that are in conflict realize, “Oh my gosh, I have I've not really been trying to resolve this conflict. I've been trying to win an argument. My real intention has been to score points. My intention has been to put the other person down, or demonize the other side. Actually my intention really hasn't been to resolve this, or to show up as my best self, and to work towards resolution.
So, right, sometimes we can get caught up in unintended intentions, we can get knocked off our true north, without even recognizing it. We talk about our values in my couple's work a lot. It's a good thing to really stop and examine them and then align your choices more with what your intentions are. You might wonder, “What are my true intentions here?” Am I really trying to better this relationship?” for instance.
That's really why we offer this whole initiative. It's why we offer this podcast, as it is a chance for us every week to pause and reflect on the choices we're making. It’s a chance to check our bearings and to be proactive.
Imagine if you owned a house and you chose to not do any of the maintenance on it because, you know, it was easier not to do that. You didn’t need to spend any money. It didn't take any of your Saturdays or your time, your evenings. And it would be like, “I’m not experiencing any tension. This is great.”
Well, of course we know what's going to happen. After X number of years, things are going to fall apart and all of a sudden you're going to have all of these crises, right? The gutters are falling off, the roofs leak, cracks in the foundations, whatever. And now you're going to have real tension because you never had the intention of being proactive about it.
The same is true in all wellness. You know, we have people reach out to us because their houses are falling apart or, you know, they realize it’s time to do some deferred maintenance. And we are glad to help people in this situation.
But you know, my favorite thing I would say is when I can help an individual, a couple, a family, or organization, not only patch up or repair the deferred maintenance, but then they learn from that experience and work to make a new maintenance plan.
They then create a preventative maintenance plan going forward, committing to do a regular check in and a regular check up. They commit to noticing as soon as tension is beginning to arise and addressing things early. They work to make sure their actions and their choices stay aligned with their intentions.
Holly: Exactly. But some people even come in when they're not in a crisis, when they're in a good place, but they want to make sure that their wellness is growing, as a preventative measure. They might set an intention, you'd say, “I am going to quit smoking so I can have a healthier life,” or “I'm going to call my brother, who I haven't talked to in a long time, because I want to create a more connected family,” or whatever. All those are preventative measures so that when or if something big comes along, you've a little bit some gas in your tank for the long ride ahead.
Scott: I was at the farmer's market the other day and a person was sharing that they were so proud of themselves. They were really kind of celebrating that they had set a gardening intention for the first time. We live in Wisconsin in the northern climates, so we are well into fall now and gardens are starting to be a thing of the past this time of year. This person said she had set an intention this year for the first time to grow tomatoes, and she had done all the work through out the summer to care for them. She had bought the plants from this farmer at the farmer's market and had come back for more advice.
And she was just celebrating how proud she was that she had set an intention and that she had done the work to make the tomatoes plants so productive. And so this that's just an example of something someone intended to do, and now four or five months later, she was feeling so good about her accomplishment.
And, you know, in all of our materials and our wellness programs we help people set intentions in some area of their life, and then help them find the support they need to do the hard work to make the change happen. It is hard work to set a new intention and to create new habits. Habit formation, forming new habits, getting rid of old habits is difficult work.
And that's why our whole initiative exists, it is why we are here to support people and walk alongside people and give them resources and support.
Holly: And as we get close to the end of the show here, I just want to say I really like the word intention as it is a hopeful word. It's in the present moment like, “This is what I want. I intend to make such and such happen.” It gives you a roadmap like, “I have to do this to get it, to get there.” It's a future focused sort of word. You know, it means you're focused. It's, you know, “What do I want to make happen in my life, that's a little different from what's happening right now?”
Scott: We heard from a listener last week about how she used our word of the week, awareness. She said she really valued and benefited from kind of walking around with that word for the week.
Holly: Yeah, she said. “I put it on a piece of paper and stuck it in my pocket. I walked around with that all week and I kept thinking about it “Awareness, awareness,” I kept noticing what was getting my attention.
Scott: Why not walk around with the word intention this week? Have the word intention in your mind and especially if you find any tension places in your life. Maybe pause and think about your intentions and what you might in the future focus on, what you might want to be different.
We're so glad that you intended to listen to this podcast today, and we're so glad that you're here and hope you…..
Holly: ….intend to listen next week.
Scott: Yes, we hope you intend to listen next week and and might give us your feedback. Like us on our Facebook page Wellness Compass Initiative. If you listen in the podcast app, you can subscribe and please leave us a review. That would be great. Or email us through our website wellnesscompass.org.
Well, we intend to be with you again next week and we will look forward to that. Until then, may you be well, may you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you navigate the week ahead with intention.
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ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT, are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.