"Living with Intention," Season 3, Episode 6

(Click on the player above to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode. We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly:  Welcome to the Wellness Compass podcast. I'm Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here today with my husband Scott. And we are the co-directors of the Wellness Compass Initiative. You can find out more at WellnessCompass.org. We create all kinds of materials, this podcast being one of those. The goal of all our resources is to help people become a little bit more aware and intentional as they live their lives, in the hopes that they can create greater wellness for themselves.

Scott: We are both marriage and family therapists and we have four decades of experience each, helping families and individuals in one capacity or another. We also have four decades of experience in our own marriage and our own family. And while we have a professional background, we really host this podcast and this whole initiative as fellow travelers.

We love talking about these topics because it gets us thinking about them too.

And so, as Holly said, our tagline is that we are here every week to help you navigate your life with awareness and intention. So we're going to talk about that second word today. Last week, in the previous episode, we talked about awareness. This week we will be talking and thinking about intention and how important that is in our lives.

And I'm going to share with you what might be a groaner, but I think it applies.

The next time, in your life, you find yourself in tension, it might be a good time to stop and reflect on your intentions.

One cause of tension in my life is when my actions, my choices, my patterns or habits are out of alignment with my intentions. So if I say I intend to get more rest, if I intend to spend more time with the most important people in my life, I intend to do a better job of budgeting my food intake or my finances, but then I don't do that I'm going to experience tension. This is because there is a discrepancy between my actions and my intention. So it's helpful to think about the importance of intention and how intention can help us understand tension.

As a therapist and coach, when I see people, in a sense, they're there, they're showing up, they're reaching out to us for help because they’ve ended up where they didn't intend to be. There's tension because they're experiencing something that is out of alignment with where they had hoped or intended to be.

Holly:  Right. We talked about awareness last week. And frankly, when somebody comes in, they are usually aware that there is some problem in their life, but they're not quite sure what to do about it. And they haven't set an intention yet, as to what they want to do differently going forward and they want to explore that.

They maybe know that their health isn't so great or they know that their relationship with someone in their family isn't so great. They may know something about their job is making them unhappy and they're bringing it home and complaining there, or whatever it is.

So their awareness is great, but then they have to start figuring out what they intend to differently going forward. “What am I going to do differently about it?”

As they figure out what to do differently they may also need to examine their intentions, and decide if they are serving the good in their life. Sometimes they'll say, “ I want to talk to my teenager and let them know who is who in this family.” This reaction might seem to serve well a little bit in the beginning, but it will  hurt that relationship in the long run.

We don't usually realize that we have these kind of underlying or hidden intentions, things like, “I'm going to get even, or I'm going to do this to protect myself, or I have to prove to them my point, because I am right.” Any of us can have some underlying intentions that's not so healthy. There are things that are kind of unspoken that can get in the way of our greater intentions.

Scott: That is always such a turning point when I'm working with any relationship, whether it's business consulting, or nonprofit consulting, or marriage or family counseling. When the both of the two parties that are in conflict realize, “Oh my gosh, I have I've not really been trying to resolve this conflict. I've been trying to win an argument. My real intention has been to score points. My intention has been to put the other person down, or demonize the other side. Actually my intention really hasn't been to resolve this, or to show up as my best self, and to work towards resolution.

So, right, sometimes we can get caught up in unintended intentions, we can get knocked off our true north, without even recognizing it. We talk about our values in my couple's work a lot. It's a good thing to really stop and examine them and then align your choices more with what your intentions are. You might wonder, “What are my true intentions here?” Am I really trying to better this relationship?” for instance.

That's really why we offer this whole initiative. It's why we offer this podcast, as it is a chance for us every week to pause and reflect on the choices we're making. It’s a chance to check our bearings and to be proactive.

Imagine if you owned a house and you chose to not do any of the maintenance on it because, you know, it was easier not to do that. You didn’t need to spend any money. It didn't take any of your Saturdays or your time, your evenings. And it would be like, “I’m not experiencing any tension. This is great.”

Well, of course we know what's going to happen. After X number of years, things are going to fall apart and all of a sudden you're going to have all of these crises, right? The gutters are falling off, the roofs leak, cracks in the foundations, whatever. And now you're going to have real tension because you never had the intention of being proactive about it.

The same is true in all wellness. You know, we have people reach out to us because their houses are falling apart or, you know, they realize it’s time to do some deferred maintenance. And we are glad to help people in this situation.

But you know, my favorite thing I would say is when I can help an individual, a couple, a family, or organization, not only patch up or repair the deferred maintenance, but then they learn from that experience and work to make a new maintenance plan.

They then create a preventative maintenance plan going forward, committing to do a regular check in and a regular check up. They commit to noticing as soon as tension is beginning to arise and addressing things early. They work to make sure their actions and their choices stay aligned with their intentions.

Holly:  Exactly. But some people even come in when they're not in a crisis, when they're in a good place, but they want to make sure that their wellness is growing, as a preventative measure.  They might set an intention, you'd say, “I am going to quit smoking so I can have a healthier life,” or “I'm going to call my brother, who I haven't talked to in a long time, because I want to create a more connected family,” or whatever. All those are preventative measures so that when or if something big comes along, you've a little bit some gas in your tank for the long ride ahead.

Scott:  I was at the farmer's market the other day and a person was sharing that they were so proud of themselves. They were really kind of celebrating that they had set a gardening intention for the first time. We live in Wisconsin in the northern climates, so we are well into fall now and gardens are starting to be a thing of the past this time of year. This person said she had set an intention this year for the first time to grow tomatoes, and she had done all the work through out the summer to care for them. She had bought the plants from this farmer at the farmer's market and had come back for more advice.

And she was just celebrating how proud she was that she had set an intention and that she had done the work to make the tomatoes plants so productive. And so this that's just an example of something someone intended to do, and now four or five months later, she was feeling so good about her accomplishment.

And, you know, in all of our materials and our wellness programs we help people set intentions in some area of their life, and then help them find the support they need to do the hard work to make the change happen. It is hard work to set a new intention and to create new habits. Habit formation, forming new habits, getting rid of old habits is difficult work.

And that's why our whole initiative exists, it is why we are here to support people and walk alongside people and give them resources and support.

Holly: And as we get close to the end of the show here, I just want to say I really like the word intention as it is a hopeful word. It's in the present moment like, “This is what I want. I intend to make such and such happen.” It gives you a roadmap like, “I have to do this to get it, to get there.” It's a future focused sort of word. You know, it means you're focused. It's, you know, “What do I want to make happen in my life, that's a little different from what's happening right now?”

Scott: We heard from a listener last week about how she used our word of the week, awareness. She said she really valued and benefited from kind of walking around with that word for the week.

Holly: Yeah, she said. “I put it on a piece of paper and  stuck it in my pocket. I walked around with that all week and I kept thinking about it “Awareness, awareness,” I kept noticing what was getting my attention.

Scott: Why not walk around with the word intention this week? Have the word intention in your mind and especially if you find any tension places in your life. Maybe pause and think about your intentions and what you might in the future focus on,  what you might want to be different.

We're so glad that you intended to listen to this podcast today, and we're so glad that you're here and hope you…..

Holly: ….intend to listen next week.

Scott: Yes, we hope you intend to listen next week and and might give us your feedback. Like us on our Facebook page Wellness Compass Initiative. If you listen in the podcast app, you can subscribe and please leave us a review. That would be great. Or email us through our website wellnesscompass.org.

Well, we intend to be with you again next week and we will look forward to that. Until then, may you be well, may you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you navigate the week ahead with intention.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Awareness is a Cornerstone of Wellbeing," Season 3, Episode 5

(Click on the player above to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode. We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly:  Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We're here each and every week to help all of us think about what we can do differently to help create greater well-being and happiness in our lives. Every week we choose a different concept. This week we're going to talk about "awareness" because we always lead off with this podcast saying we want to help people create greater awareness and intention in their life. But you might be wondering, "Awareness about what? What are you talking about?" So we're going to delve into that a little bit today and hopefully give everybody a little food for thought. 

Scott, do you want to go ahead and tell us what we mean by it? To help our listeners, I should say, talk about what awareness means to us, what we're talking about?

Scott: Hi, everyone. First of all, welcome to you if this is your first episode, we especially welcome you. But if you're a regular listener, welcome back to the journey that we're on. 

Now, back to your question. Maybe this is overstating it, but I think so much of wellness is based on, or begins with self-awareness because we can't change anything if we're not aware of the problem. I was trying to think of that expression when we often say, "Oh, gosh, I wasn't aware of that. I wasn't aware that you were going through that. I wasn't aware that this was happening. I wasn't aware of that. I had this, you know, something happening inside, but I wasn't aware, and now I have this health issue." 

It's usually not a good idea. I'm trying to think if anything positive ever flows from somebody saying they're not aware of something. Usually this is followed by, "Oh, I wish I had been more aware of that. If I had been more aware, I might have made a different decision. I might have responded differently."

 And so, with wellness, we invite people to enhance their self-awareness so that they can have greater control of their choices. You know, all of our images, obviously, because we're called the wellness compass, navigational. We like the idea of navigating. We say to use your compass to check your bearings and see if you're on the course that you want to be on in some area of wellness. And then, make a choice if you want to do something different or head in another direction. But it all starts with being aware of what you're experiencing and being able to just observe that. 

Holly:  And being aware, actually is a decision that you're making to be a little more aware, to not be on autopilot. I think a lot of us, we're not really paying attention to the choices we make each day in all eight areas of our life. It could be in our relationships, it could be in the way organize our finances. It could be anything. But we just kind of do it. We get in a habit of having a certain way of operating that may be, or may not be serving ourselves well. So being aware is actually just observing. It's not judging. It's not being critical of.

Scott:  I think that is so key because I think when we talk about being more self-aware, the first thought often is to bring judgment or criticisms upon themselves. 

Holly: It is, it's all, it's usually very judgmental. It's like people think they should look for good or bad. Am I doing a good job at this or bad job at this or that? Looking for flaws isn't really very helpful. 

What is helpful is when you can just observe. You might say, "When I'm sad, I go out and spend money." That's just an observation. It's not a judgment at all. It's just like I notice this or that about myself or I notice that when I'm afraid, I cry or I avoid such and such. It's just a pure observation. No judgment involved. 

Scott:  Or for me, not to stereotype, but for me, certainly as a man, for me, when I am sad, it often comes out as criticism or negative energy or anger, when what I'm really feeling is sadness. So just to observe that is helpful. If I'm unaware of that, then I'm missing the deeper insight that I'm actually feeling scared or sad or vulnerable, something that's going to require a different choice for me, a different response. 

You may know I've used the image many times of The Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz was really quite scared and insecure, but we never realized this until the curtain got pulled back. Then everyone realized he had been manifesting all this puffed up kind of anger and, command and control or power. 

Holly:  I like what I think you just said. Or maybe this was just in my mind. You said that you could miss an "opportunity" if you're not aware of the fact that you, for instance, always go shopping on Saturday because you're lonely or something. You go and do something that's not productive when you are lonely. You pull away or whatever you do. 

If you're aware of it, though, you may say, "Oh my gosh, I need to go do something else other than just going out and spending money or eating or whatever you do in response to those feelings. When you are aware then you can make a choice, a different choice, like you know, "I need to call a friend. Maybe we can go do something together because what I'm really feeling is lonely, and I need company. 

Scott:  You use the word response several times. I think that's the key. I think that's what awareness gives us. It increases our capacity to be able to respond rather than react. 

When I'm in my reactive self. I'm often not aware of it, except the next day. Right? Who amongst us hasn't said, "Oh gosh, I regret what I said or didn't say, or how I acted or the choice I made last night, last week." See, that's our observing self. That's the more self aware self. We have a reactive self, we have an experiencing self, and we have an observing self. So strengthening that observing self and shortening that time between our reactive self and our responsive self is a key to wellness, I think. 

Holly:  Sometimes, I'll hear a couple or two people at least talking about something that happened. Maybe they've been drinking too much or something and they've done or said something, and then the next day or week they're feeling regret. Then they may realize, "Actually, we had been drinking. That was part of what was going on. I wonder why we were doing that?" This can lead to a deeper conversation.  

So it's just being aware and observing, "Oh, when I drink I do such and such, which in retrospect I don't like." That is observing the situation. Just being aware can create a space, space to begin to make a change in how people either interact, or how they think about themselves, or think about their lives. It really puts them in more control, so that they can make choices about how they want to live their life. 

Scott: That's the key. That's the key to our whole Wellness Compass initiative. It's the whole key to this podcast. Again, we speak as fellow travelers here, sure we have some years and actually decades of experience of helping people, but we are also on this journey. That's really what we do. I mean, we create a space, whether we're doing therapy, whether we're doing coaching or simply creating a space where people can become more aware.

We're so privileged to do this work because the people that are coming into our space are seeking greater self-awareness. If you wanted to become a better swimmer, or a better tennis player, or a better musician, you might hire a coach, someone to help you become more aware of things you're doing or not doing that are impeding your ability to be a better swimmer, or a better tennis player. 

And so if you want to show up differently as a parent or as a spouse or just in your own life, you put yourself in that vulnerable space of being willing to learn and change. There's great vulnerability in awareness. That's why we want to create safe spaces in everything we do. Everything we do in our Wellness Compass Initiative is to invite people to more awareness in a space that is loving and kind and never shame based or judgment based.

Holly:  Right. We're very good as a culture, it seems very good at evaluating somebody else or a situation. But sometimes when we think about evaluating ourselves, that's sort of scary because we tend to be critical. People tend to be kind of critical of themselves. But we encourage you, as you're observing yourself, also notice your strengths.

Scott:  Glad you said that because so often in coaching, that's what we're looking for. I often say in a coaching session, "Do you realize that when you just started talking about that, or that person, or this activity, or this desire, this wish, your whole face lit up? You just came to life and all of a sudden the energy in the whole room shifted?"

Holly: So you're helping them observe themselves, helping them see that whatever you are talking about excites them. 

Scott:  That's blowing on the spark. So be aware of where your challenges are and maybe where things are hard, but also be aware of the the things that are beautiful in your life, things that you want more of, the things you're grateful for, the sparks in your life that you want to blow more on. 

Holly:  I like that. 

Scott:  We are honored to be on this journey towards wholeness and oneness with you, and Holly, thank you for choosing this topic of awareness today. It is, you know, something that is so integral to everything we do that sometimes we forget to really unpack it. 

So we hope this discussion has been helpful for you, in helping you to become more aware of maybe something that you want to pay more attention to. Either because it's something you want to change, or some spark of energy and vitality you want to blow on. 

Stay in touch with us through The Wellness Compass Initiative Facebook page. Anything else? Did I leave something out?

Holly:  Our emails. 

Scoot:  Yes, absolutely, at WellnessCompass.org, that is Holly or Scott at WellnessCompass.org.  

So until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast… 

May you be well, may you be happy, and may you live with greater awareness.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Be Brave Enough to Take The Initiative," Season 3, Episode 4

(Click on the player above to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode. We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the The Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Holly Hughes Stoner and I'm here today with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we spend our time both in our offices and working on this Wellness Compass Initiative. Our goal is to help people make choices and changes in their lives that will help them create more well-being for themselves.

Scott: This podcast is part of the overall Wellness Compass Initiative, and it is a non-profit initiative that has been around since 2008, and we were fortunate to reach tens of thousands of people.  You can learn about us on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative.

And yes, we're talking about initiative today, as it is our word for the week. Not our initiative so much, but helping people initiate positive and proactive changes for themselves. Or in their relationships, their families, or even their organizations. And you know it's as easy as that, and as hard as that, as initiating change is difficult.

So we're going to talk today about some of the things that people  can do when trying to initiate a change of some sort. We have a four step process that we have learned through the years and in our professional training.  We’re going to go through four stages or four steps that will guide you when there's a change that you want to initiate, one that will maximize your chances of that change being successful. What's the first step?

Holly: Well, let me tell you all four of them and then we'll delve in. The first one is to engage, and then focus, evoke, and finally plan.

Scott: Say that again. What are the four steps?

Holly: Engage, focus, evoke and plan.

So the first one, engage, means you have to engage with the problem. You have to acknowledge it. You have to recognize it. You have to become aware of it. We have this self-assessment on our website that a lot of people use, and that really helps them recognize an area of life they think needs more of their attention. Then they say,  “Oh, that's something I might want to change.”

Scott: I love that you point out that we have to acknowledge that there is a change that we want to make. You need to engage it, and how you engage it is also important. We have strived to make all of our materials around change strength based, and love based, and based on self-compassion. So it's important that when we identify what change we want to initiate, we do it with self-compassion, and with love, and positive energy.

Think about it in a relationship. When you want to engage in a conversation or make a change in a relationship, if you lead with criticism and anger, sure, you're engaging the challenge that you have, but you're pretty much dooming the initiative from the from the beginning.  If you engage it instead with love, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, we have a much greater chance of being successful.

Okay. So, the first thing to do is to engage the change we want to make, to acknowledge there's a change we need to make and want to make, and we decide that we want to do it.

Holly: Or we can think of that aspect of our life as a part of  our garden we haven't been tending to and now I'm going to change that. Then you're talking about your relationship to the problem like this,  “I just haven't been paying attention to it yet.  I recognize that I haven't been watering this part of my life. I'm going to change that.”

Scott: And in just doing that, it's going to begin to change the process. We also want to make sure we want to engage it from the inside out, not because everybody's telling us we should do this or that.

Holly: You have to have some desire yourself.

Scott: So engaging is first, next is focusing.

Holly: So you might say,  I don't take care of myself very well. I want to change that. Well, that's not going to help because it’s not focused.

Scott:  So why is it not going to help?

Holly: Well, it's just too big. I mean, from listening to that statement, does a person not sleep well? Do they not eat well? Do they never get up and move? But focusing it is narrowing it down. What specifically are they doing and not doing to care for their body?

Or think about these examples. What specifically is their concern about their finances? What is the concern about a relationship? If we focus in on it, what would we say is the core problem?

Scott: A common question we ask in our counseling/coaching practices and in our Wellness Circle programs is,  “What's one thing I can do this week?” That's a focusing question. People that are listeners to this podcast know that I struggle with organization, organizing my time, my stuff, and so I need to focus all the time. I need to say, “Okay, I'm going to clean my desk. I'm going to organize my email inbox. I'm going to organize my calendar for this week.” Focusing up-close on organization will make me much more likely to be successful  than my merely saying, “ I need to get more organized.”

Holly: That general kind of thing is not really helpful. Yeah, people have to focus in on exactly what is the problem and what  they need to do differently. Now, our third step is evoke.

Scott: What does evoke mean in this context?

Holly: To, you know, kind of pull towards yourself, you evoke it, kind of pulling an idea into your mind. It's also goes with inspiring in my mind, you know, like what about this change I’m considering inspires me? Why would I even want to do this? I mean, what's the end goal?

Scott:  What’s your why?

Holly: What’s your why? That's a great way of saying it. Because any change actually requires a lot of work. It maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but just organizing your stuff or your finances or whatever it is is going to take a lot of intention, and awareness, and work. And so you've got to be inspired to do this. And so to evoke the reason for putting forth the effort is important.

Scott: Exactly, because that that's what we're going to hold on to when making the change gets hard. Even changes that we want and that we choose and that we are initiating. Changes have a way of getting hard. For example, I might want to be closer in my relationships. I might want to resolve conflict that is holding me, all of us, back from being our best. Or I might want to get a better sense of my finances so that I can I can save for some things that are that are really important to me.

Holly: Or so I can sleep at night.

Scott: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So evoking is really important. Yeah. And then what's the last step?

Holly: The last thing you can do is to plan. Now is the time to plan. This means literally naming what you want to do. You plan for action. I mean, literally, what are what am I going to do? For example, “I’m going to call my friend who plays paddle and she loves it. She's made all kinds of new friends. That might be the thing that I might want to do this week to enhance my rest and play. That would help me have more fun, meet new people, if that's the thing I'm trying to do. I’m going to call her and find out more about it.” Planning literally means planning something concrete.

And you also need to plan for support when you are trying to make some sort of a change. Support really does help because there will be ups and downs and forwards and backwards. So you're going to need support from someone else.

Scott: Another thing we need to plan for is turbulence. If you've flown recently, any time really, you know, that sometimes the captain or the steward comes on the speaker and says, “You just need to know there's going to be some turbulence about 20 minutes into the flight or 20 minutes from now. It looks like we're going to be in some turbulence for a few minutes.” So now you know what's coming and then when it comes you say, “Oh, yeah, they predicted this.” I notice with a warning that I don't feel so anxious about it.

So plan for your own turbulence, as change is disruptive. That's why change is hard, and is why taking initiative is hard. And staying with it is hard. So part of the planning is knowing that this is not going to be a linear process. This is not going to be a straight up every day kind of a thing. You’re going to make progress but it's not going to be easy. It's going to be challenging.

You know, we're family therapists, so we talk about, you know, families making changes. You know, somebody comes in and talks about the fact that they want to make a change in the way dinner is done or the way maybe screen time is managed. They know they’re gonna get a lot of rolling eyes, they are probably going to get a lot of resistance when initiating these changes. They are not going to get, “Yes. We're so happy about this change. We love change.”  And you know giving up bad habits or making changes is difficult.

So that's why you said we need to plan for support. We need to plan for disruptions, for turbulence, for kind of a back and forth process at times, and then work to normalize it.

And so these four steps (engaging, focusing, evoking, and planning) are important to remember as you go through changing something. Whether we name them exactly like this or not, they're throughout all models of change They will help you if you're in the midst of a change, or if there's a change that you're wanting to make. They will help you take initiative.

Holly: Yeah, that's our word for the week, initiative. I really like this because it's, it's what gets things going. It's like if you've been sitting on the seat thinking, “Maybe I should make a change.” The initiative part is like, “Okay, now I'm going to get up and I'm going to do something concrete.” Initiative is where it starts. I mean, if you don't take initiative, nothing will change. So it's an exciting word to me.

Scott: Thank you for that summary again. Part of planning is planning for imperfection, because one of the barriers to initiating change, is that we want it to, you know, just be perfect. We want it to go exactly the way we think it's going to go. But it’s important to remember that instead it’s really progress, not perfection.

We engage, we focus, we evolve, and we plan. And then we do it all over again. It's a cycle that we keep going through, learning all the time.

Holly: That’s a very important point.

Scott: We’re so honored to be on this journey with you. Again, we speak out of our expertise, and as fellow travelers. Thanks for joining us on The Wellness Compass podcast this week. You can be in touch with us through our website or on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative. And until we gather again, may be healthy, you may be happy and may you feel a little more confident in initiating change for yourself, for your relationships, your family, or your organization.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost," Season 3, Episode 3

(Click on the player above to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost.." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Scott:  Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Scott Stoner, and you'll be hearing from Holly, my partner in life and work, in just a moment. This is episode three of season three, Episode 79 since we started this podcast, if you're keeping score at home. We’re here each and every week to help you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and greater intention, which is one of our main objectives for the larger Wellness Compass Initiative and in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Learn more about our other offerings at wellnesscompass.org. This year during each episode we're choosing a word to build the episode around. And Holly, what is that word for this week and why do we choose it?

Holly:  Well, it's compass. Last week we did wellness.  We thought it made sense as that's the name of our podcast, Wellness Compass. So we thought we'd kind of explain what we think about when we refer to a compass.

I decided I wanted to look up a little bit about the history of compasses because I like history. And my research reveals that it's still considered one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humankind! Apparently long ago, thousands and thousands of years ago, people were getting lost every time it was foggy, or it was windy and raining, and people couldn't see the landmarks. People would get lost and out at sea and they'd end up in places where they had not planned on going at all.

So in about the 11th or 12th century in China, somebody figured out that they could use a magnetic spoon placed in a bowl of water, and it would always point the same direction. Eventually they figured out a way to use this a navigational tool.  This compass could be used to help them know which way they were headed, even in the fog and rain. And it really changed everything.

If you know anything about world history, you know, right around that time is when a lot of important discoveries were being made. And this one was a huge one as it helped explorers and travelers everywhere to navigate their way more efficiently.

But we're not really interested in ancient navigation tools. What we're interested in is tools that help us navigate our lives today. And so when we talk about Compass, we're talking about the compasses we have available to us that help us decide where we're going, so that we don't get lost along the way as well. And one of the main things that we consider or think of as a compass is our core values, because those help us figure out which way to go.

Scott: Our core values are like our true north, right? Yeah, True North doesn't change. If I'm out in the wilderness and I have a compass and I know I want to go, let's say east. My compass will help me identify the direction I need to head, but it won't give me the path. I'm going to have to start walking in the path and I may come up against a river. I may come up against a cliff, and I'm going to have to maybe go south for a little bit and then, you know, go around it until I'm going east again. But east doesn't change and  north doesn't change. The compass gives me my direction but I've got to figure out how to make my path. So our core values are like that, they help us identify which direction to go.

I think of it, for example, being applicable in family life. Being  marriage and family therapists we work with lots with couples and families around communication and having difficult conversations. As an example, if someone needs to have an important conversation with someone they love and care about, you know, or let's say there's a conflict and let's say there’s, been some injury or some misunderstanding, we need to be reminded of our compass, of our core values as a to orient ourselves in that conversation.

My core values are things like love and compassion, humility, forgiveness. Those are my core values. And if I can keep those in mind they will guide me on the path and will guide how I approach the conversation. If I don't keep those in mind, I may get hooked and I may all of a sudden be acting out, or fall into defending my ego. I may want to score points and to be right.

Those are not my core values, to defend my ego and to be right or to put another person down. That's not my best self. Certainly that's my reactive self. That's my injured self. That's my emotionally flooded self. So our compasses or values, function you know, as guides for us. As you were saying before, in the ancient days, the storms would come in bringing fog and clouds, people couldn't use the stars, they couldn't use their landmarks and they would get lost. Once the compass was invented though, they had help even in those stormy conditions. And that's the same with our core values, when stormy things are going on in their lives, when there's change, when there's loss, our core values can help us determine which way to go.

Now, I just want to say quickly that also the word compass is in the word encompass. It can also mean to surround like a circle. In our Wellness Compass Model of  Well-being, we encompass eight areas of wellness. If you go on our website and look at our compass and our eight areas of wellness, you'll see it as a holistic all encompassing approach. So we're really using both meanings of compass. Our tools and our resources help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness. And we encompass a holistic approach of eight areas of wellness.

Holly: You know, I was thinking when we were talking about the landmarks, about a conversation I had recently with two women who are recent widows, and they were saying that it feels like there are no landmarks for them to orient themselves. Their children are grown up, their spouses are not there, and they are retired so they don't quite know where to live. They know the homes they're living in currently aren’t really suited for just one person, but they don't know where to go. I talk to other people where there's an illness of their own, or a child is sick or something. They're just people who are not sure where to turn. You've heard that phrase,  “I'm not sure where to turn? Which direction should I go? What should I do?”

And so these women were trying to slow themselves down a little bit and think about, “What's most important to me at this point in my life?” In other words, what’s their compass? What are their values that will help them decide?

You know, they both agreed they wanted to be stay in the local area, but even then there was a lot of uncertainty about exactly where to go and what should they do with their time. And so their values were coming up. The things that they really cared about were the things that they were going to start spending their time on.

So, you know, I am talking about these ancient navigators, which is fine. It's interesting to me, but we are all kind of without a compass a birth. You come into life, you grow up and then often you don't know exactly where you're supposed to go. Eventually we figure out our skills and talents and passions. Those things can help us figure out where to go and what kind of life we want to create.

Scott: And for those individuals and for me, for any of us, when we do have big life changes it, it can be overwhelming. When that happens one of the things that's important to come back to is, again, our core values, our true North, because that doesn't change. What what has changed is how we express that. So if a core values are love and community and connection, and then we lose a spouse or we lose a relationship or someone moves away, we lose a dear friend, lose a job, we must try to nurture those things in new ways.

I remember working with a man who had retired and he was feeling a sense of being lost because his work had been so important to him. He began to realize that one of the things he loved most about his work was mentoring younger people. You see, as he achieved some seniority in his field, he did a lot of mentoring. That gave him the clue about what he wanted to do in retirement. He decided he would find some volunteer opportunities that would allow him to still be a mentor, but in a different way. So he got involved in a local after school program, helping students with homework and reading. This man’s core values didn't change, but how he expressed them did.  Our direction is always changing and determining where we are going is an ongoing journey.

And sometime we have to along the journey see if we are still letting our values guide us and leading us in the right direction and if not  recalculate our route. Sometimes we get off track, but our core values can help us to recalculate how we want to get back on track.

Holly: I was going to say the other thing besides our core values are  our core passions. You know, what are the things that we're kind of good at? Everybody's got different gifts. Everybody has different things that are really interesting to them, things that they might want to do more of. So it's core values your passions and talents. What can you contribute or do in the now that might help you find your way through the times of fog and and rainy days.

Scott: I love that core values as well as core passions are important compasses. That is so very true.

We are so honored to be on this journey of wholeness with you all. Even though we have some expertise and decades of experience, we're also fellow travelers trying to continue to use our core values as our compass, and to the practice the same thing we're teaching here,  navigating our lives with awareness and intention.

Again, you can reach out to us on our Facebook page, just search for Wellness Compass and our website is wellnesscompass.org and you can email us there as well.

Until we gather again, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be clear about your compass and how it can help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 3, Episode 2: Wellness

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Learn." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we are in our third season of this podcast. This is our second episode of season three. And this year, what we've decided to do is choose a word, a single word, that we want to focus on during our episode, one that has something to do with wellness and gives us something to think about so we can all be, you know, kind of be working towards greater wellness for ourselves.

And today and next week’s word are going to kind of go together. We're going to use the title of this podcast, Wellness Compass, and kind of explore first of all, what we talking about when we say wellness. And then next week we'll talk about why do we use that word compass. What does that have to do with anything? So just like I said this show today will be about wellness. Scott, do you want to talk a little bit about what we're thinking about when we talk about that?

Scott: Sure. Last week we talked about the word “learn” as everyone was going back to school and starting a new kind of school year, that is the season we are in. We talked about learn then and so that's a natural segue into wellness for this week because wellness to me is about continuing to learn as we go through the life cycle.

What does it mean to be well, what are the things that I can do today to enhance my wellbeing? Everything we do with all of our materials, not just our podcast, but our overall nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative,  is equip people with the awareness, the intention, the education, the tools to both become more aware of their wellbeing. We do this in eight areas of wellness, always helping others to decide what they can do to grow and enhance their well-being. So we're kind of  lifelong learners. You see wellness is a journey. It's not a destination, it's an ongoing choice and an ongoing lifestyle. You know, we often refer to our wellness as a garden. It's something that we need to continue to tend to so we can continue to grow healthy and beautiful things.

Holly: Yeah, In fact, so we talk about watering areas of wellness,  we also talk about pulling out weeds. You know, there are things that can crowd out good plants. And we also, if we have some bad habits, those would be like the weeds. There might be some weeds we want to get rid of to allow for greater wellness in our lives. So in terms of wellness, which is our word this week, I've got a list of five things that are all part of everyone's day to day activities. And the more we practice and do some of these simple things, the more wellness we will create.

The first one is connecting with other people, both developing and nurturing relationships that you have. Think of an old friend maybe you haven't talked to for a while. You know, maybe even give them a call instead of texting or messaging them. People laugh at me. They say I'm the only person that still calls anybody, but I like to hear people's voices. If I just message them I don't feel connected to them, really.

Scott: Some of the people I've been doing wellness coaching with have talked about how they have gotten into some bad habits or not bad habits really,  they just got out of the habit of connecting with others because of COVID. Now they're realizing they haven’t stayed connected. They have to kind of, you know, redevelop some of those connecting muscles. They have to put themselves out there either to restore some connections or maybe try some whole new connections. But social and emotional connecting community is essential to wellness.

Holly: So, you know, if you're a person that is feeling that, maybe you need some more connections you might ask yourself, “What kinds of things can I do to better connect with others? How could I reach out? How could I connect with other people?”

Scott: The most common coaching question we always ask is “What's one thing you could do this week to enhance that dimension of wellness?” So, it’s a good question to ask here.

Holly: Exactly. Okay, so that's the first one Connect. The second one is being active. And so some people think, Oh, I've got to go walking or running but I don't really like that. But the most helpful idea of being active is finding something that you like. Maybe it is walking or running, but maybe it's swimming, maybe it's water fitness. What active thing do you love doing?

Scott: I know you love water fitness!

Holly: Oh my gosh, it is so much fun that it doesn't feel like a chore when I do it because I like it so much. That's the key. Yes, because it really helps us physically and mentally. So it’s really a two for one.

So connecting, being active. And the third one is to keep learning. First of all, it's fun as we human beings are learning machines, I believe. But we also get a sense of achievement when we learn something new. We can share it with other people. It can make us more confident. To learn something some people sign up for a class, maybe they have found some online thing they can do, maybe they found something going on at their local library, but just find something to keep learning. What have you always wanted to lean more about? Learning is another really great way to continue to advance your wellness.

A fourth one is giving back. And this is like being a volunteer, helping or giving to other people. It could be as easy as just giving somebody a smile.

Scott: And exactly. We have it as a wellness component in our wellness compass as one of the areas, spirituality. And giving back to me touches on that. It's about a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, a sense of giving back to the world again. I said earlier that wellness is a lifelong journey, and we notice this especially in the second half of life, purpose and meaning and spirituality, giving back to the world becomes an essential ingredient in our wellbeing.

Holly: Absolutely because if you don't feel like you've contributed, it can make people feel kind of bad or even depressed. And there are places everywhere in the world that need help, so there's room for everybody to have something to give. And then the last one is being aware of the world around you, taking notice of it, being aware of your feelings, your thoughts, just taking notice of the world within you and around you. This could even include, I'm thinking right now about the seasons changing, just getting outside and being observant, taking in the moment can be very meaningful.

Scott: And to this, you know, Socrates said over 2000 years ago, the unexamined life is not worth living. I mean, that sounds a little harsh, but it, you know, got our attention and we still remember the quote.

But our point is that you get to continue to grow in self-awareness and do it with self-compassion. That's one of the key things I want to say to each of our listeners and to myself, that because often when you think about wellness, when people think, “Oh, you know, I haven't been doing this, I haven't known that,” and it becomes kind of negative and critical and shame based. And that's the last thing we want. We don't want to have an ounce of that.

Wellness is about self-compassion. It's about self-care, it's about self-love. It's like if you think of someone, a friend or a child or a partner or someone you love and really care about, you want to nurture their well-being. You don't want to lecture them, you don't want to judge them. You want to you approach them with compassion.

We want to offer that same compassion to ourselves because that is how well-being, that's part of well-being is self-love and self-compassion so  we can grow into the people that we want to be. But self-awareness is such a key part of that. That's why we all of our programs involve some kind of guided self-assess, self-reflection. If you were going to grow a garden and you had a yard or you had a plot that you were renting somewhere, you would need to take an inventory. “How is the soil? What does the soil need? What shape is the soil in right now? Does it need weeding? Does it need some nutrients? Does it need some fertilizer? How are we going to get sunshine and water?” You start with, you know, looking at what is, and then how do I grow from there? And what do I want to grow?

A very common question I ask a person I’m coaching is, “What is one thing that either if you have more of, or did less of right now that would enhance your wellness?” And you know what? Every single person always has an answer. You have an answer to that question too. And I invite you to think about that question.  What you can do either more of or a less of to enhance some aspect of your wellness?

Holly: And I'm just going to repeat those five things because they might help you think about what's one thing you could do. One of the things that I really like about these is that none of them really cost anything. You can do all of these at no cost. Maybe they will  cost you time, and even some energy. But that's it.

So the first one is connecting. Connect with others. Being active. Keep learning. Give to others. and Take Notice.

Scott: Speaking of connecting with others, we are so glad to be connected with you and that you're connecting with us. You can do that through our Facebook page as well, The Wellness Compass Facebook Page. Just search for Wellness Compass. We will post this episode there as well as the transcription of this podcast. And we will and you can comment and let us know what that one thing is that you're going to do to water your well-being.

So again, we are honored to be on this journey with you. You can reach out to us through our website, wellnesscompass.org. Next week we will talk about the word Compass which will be our word for next week.

Until then may you be well, may you be happy, maybe healthy, and may you do one thing to enhance your own wellness this coming week.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 3, Episode 1: Learn

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Learn." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Scott: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass Podcast, episode one of season three. My name is Scott Stoner. It's good to be back with you. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with several decades, four decades now, of experience in helping individuals, couples, and families. And I'm a co-creator of this podcast and the Wellness Compass Initiative, which you can learn about at wellnesscompass.org. So if I'm a CO, there must be another CO and I'd like to invite my CO and wife not just in work but in life to introduce herself. 

Holly: Yeah, I am the other half of the CO and my name is Holly Hughes Stoner. Scott and I are both marriage and family therapists. We also happen to be married to each other. 

Scott: We're a couple of marriage and family therapists. (laughter)

Holly: I always thought Scott was kind of funny. (laughter)

Scott: Was kind of funny? (laughter)

Holly: We've decided that what we're going to do this year is start each episode with a word that has something to do with wellbeing. Since this is the beginning of the school year for millions of people, teachers, and students alike, this week our word is LEARN. Scott, Do you want to tell them a little bit more about what we're thinking? 

Scott: Well, it is back to school time. Whether you're going back to school or you know somebody who is going back to school you are impacted. But actually we're all going back to school, because we're all lifelong learners. 

The topic of this podcast and of our initiative is the journey towards personal and family wellness. And because we are always in school in one way or another, I love working in this field. I am a lifelong learner and all the research I do is really "me"- search. And so we're all learning, if we're open to learning. And what we do with this podcast each week is invite you to take 10 minutes. We're going to focus our episodes to 10 minutes this year, this season, with the hopes of helping you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and intention. 

So with the word LEARN as our focus this week, it got me thinking about when I was back in school, especially in grade school. When I look at that time back then, I realize I probably would have been diagnosed with ADHD. I had a lot of energy and so I was constantly being reprimanded for either not listening, or not paying attention. Now I'm happy to say that I've gotten a little better at that as I've aged. 

And I think those two ingredients, now I'm talking to you and me and all of us listening to this podcast, those two things, listening and paying attention, are key habits to being learners on this path of wellness as well. 

So I invite you, as you walk through the week ahead, to pay attention to what might be around you, ready to teach you something. And listen closely. Maybe you're going to listen to your body. Or you're going to listen to someone particular in your life in a different way, or you're going to put more intention into listening you're going to meet a stranger this week. You're going to listen to something. You're going to pay attention in a way that is going to help you learn something and support you on that journey. That's one thing that comes to my mind is I think of myself walking through the week ahead with the word LEARN. 

Holly: Some of our listeners might know this about me, because I've mentioned this on the show before, but I was a teacher for a long time in the classroom and paying attention and concentrating are really important things. Two other important things I can think of are wonder and curiosity. Students who are full of wonder, wondering what's going on around them, just wanting to find out more are very curious about the world. Those things really help a student and it also helps us as adults as well. And so I try to in my life, try to be full of wonder and curiosity. 

And so this week (and first of all I love summer as it is my favorite time of year) I was feeling sort of sad. I always feel this way in early September because everybody's back to being busy, cool breezes are coming in, and all the summer fun is over. And so this week I was sitting on a bench in a park near our home and was kind of feeling sad that the summer was over, as were all the freedoms that summer allows us. And I was being trying to be curious about what that was all about when all of a sudden, bam, right on my head, a huge hickory nut landed. Actually, it hit me on the corner of my glasses and knocked them on the ground and it hurt. And I was initially kind of annoyed with this happening because I'd been having such a nice time sitting there. 

But then I tried to summon some of my curiosity and wonder and I thought, you know, that tree is letting go of that hickory nut, and it's teaching me something. When we talk about learning, you know I thought, "What can I learn from that tree that has just let go of that nut?" 

And in the spring, as it sat there in the spring as well, that same tree was flowering as it was in a different stage of life. But right now it's the end of summer and it's time to let go. And there was the lesson I needed right at that moment. It was like, okay, now it's time to let go of summer and to step into what's coming next. So that's what I learned. 

Scott: I love that. And in that case, that hickory nut, the hickory tree, was your teacher. One of the things kids have on their mind, you know, this time of year is, (when they get the letter, or where they get it now, maybe email or a phone call) is "Who's your teacher?" You know, you talk to your friends, to find out who's their teacher, and for you that hickory nut and that tree, was your teacher. And so often I know for me nature is my teacher. 

And I love what you said about the sense of wonder and curiosity as you sat there with your sadness and just were, you know, allowing yourself to feel it being open to letting it teach you something, and all of a sudden, you got a lesson. 

Holly: Well, and I, I did initially get annoyed and it hurt and it knocked my glasses off. Actually I'm going to take them into the store and see if they can do something about them as they're kind of nicked. And I, I could have just been irritated and just gotten up and left. But I had been sitting there on purpose, kind of trying to be present to the beauty of the day and all that sort of stuff. And so I also had to pay attention to what I was paying attention to. I could have just been annoyed. But it was a beautiful day and this thing did accidentally land and hit me on the head. So I had to move on beyond just the anger and try to learn something from what had happened instead of just going mad. 

Scott: Well, so sometimes the lessons we learn in life are painful, right? And upsetting at first. And after all, you were sitting under the tree. The tree didn't plan this. It's not like the tree came, went out of its way to drop it's nut on you. 

When we have lessons, we're learning some of life's lessons, especially in the second half of life, a lot of learning has to do with letting go. It's interesting that you were talking about that as letting go is painful. 

And so sometimes we can avoid learning. We can avoid a lesson because we're trying to avoid pain. We're trying to avoid some kind of discomfort. And if you think about it all learning, (if you think back to when you were in school, if you signed up for a course, that's a hard course and maybe stretches you) is going to be hard. It's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be discouraging at first before it becomes easy. Maybe if you hang in there and learn, it's going to become encouraging. So letting go is certainly one of those life lessons that can be hard. 

So you mentioned curiosity. Wonder nature. I talked about paying attention and listening. 

Hopefully, these thoughts will help you as you walk through the week ahead and think about, "What is there for me to learn? What can I bring to my awareness? What am I feeling? What am I? 

Maybe what's a personal challenge right now, either in my personal or family awareness? And what am I open to learning in the midst of that? That's what we invite you to do. We're creating a community with this podcast. We'd love to hear from you when you walk through the week ahead. Now with the word learning, what are you learning? What? Who are your teachers? What are you listening to? What are you paying attention to? What's wonder? 

You can email us, but better yet, find our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Facebook page. . And like it. And this podcast will be there with that word and let us know what you're learning. You'll inspire us. You'll inspire one another. And that's what we do in community, because this really is one of the reasons we create this community, is because we all learn together. 

Holly: Right. And one thing I was just going to say is that we haven't mentioned too much, is that we have something called the Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing, which is on our website, WellnessCompass.org. And it's a way to help you think about all the things that you might want to learn about yourself. So you might want to take a look at that. Just see if that sparks an interest in you as something you'd like to learn. 

Scott: So school's open again. It's session one of season three, and we're delighted to have you in this classroom with us. And until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be at peace, as you walk through the week ahead with curiosity and wonder as you learn what life has to teach you right now. 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 36: Going Far Together

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

When it comes to achieving an important goal, what do you think matters most—individual effort or the support of others? Of course, this is somewhat of a trick question as the answer is not an “either-or" but rather a “both-and." Evidence of this "both-and" is all around us in this season of graduations, where we honor the accomplishments of both individuals and the villages of support that have made the graduation possible.

Celebrating individual effort comes naturally for most of us; it is part of the DNA of our culture. We love to celebrate the determined individual who does things their way. It is not surprising that Frank Sinatra's "I Did It My Way," released in 1969, was his most famous song ever and continues to be downloaded by hundreds of thousands of people every year. We see this same focus on the individual in the sports world, where we like to celebrate superstars. And yet whenever a superstar is interviewed right after a significant achievement, they always point out that they could not have done what they did without the support of their teammates.

As we have mentioned already, graduation celebrations provide an excellent opportunity to celebrate both the individual efforts of the graduate, as well as the village of support that has made their accomplishment possible. It is probably impossible to list all the members of a graduate's village. Still, it certainly could include parents, grandparents, siblings, peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, neighbors, tutors, employers, club and extracurricular activity leaders, those who support the school, and its leaders and alums.

Our Wellness Compass Initiative also celebrates both individual choices and the importance of the support of others. We believe that the idea of individual wellness is a bit of an oxymoron. We all need and benefit from a village of support, as we are better together. In our villages of support, sometimes we are the ones receiving aid, and at other times we are those offering the assistance. It takes a village, and it takes individual commitment to accomplish things and to be well.

This podcast marks the end of our "season," as we'll be taking a break for the summer. We will be back right after Labor Day. As we pause for some rest and renewal, we want to thank each of you for being part of our wellness village. We are honored to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness with each of you. We wish everyone a great summer and hope it will offer us all some time to nurture the important villages of support in our lives. 

Please know that all of our previous weekly columns and podcasts are archived and available on our website www.WellnessCompass.org. Please have a great summer; we look forward to returning in September.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 35: Savoring the Present Moment

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

As a nonprofit wellness initiative, we are honored to work with organizations worldwide. One of our favorites, though, is right in our hometown—the University of Wisconsin, a school we both happen to have graduated from.

We were on the university campus this week for several meetings. We had the good fortune to interact with many recent graduates, as this past week was the university's commencement ceremony. These graduates had the distinction of having persevered through all the challenges presented by the COVID pandemic and being part of the largest University of Wisconsin graduating class ever.

Many people at the gatherings were talking to these young people, and we noticed something interesting about the interactions we were all having with the graduates we were greeting. Immediately after congratulating them, we all seemed to ask them some version of the question, "So what's next for you?" A few were excited to share their plans, while others became almost apologetic about not being exactly sure what their plans were. We could see that our question had taken a bit of the wind out of their sails. On reflection later that night, we felt embarrassed that we had made the mistake of not simply honoring and celebrating the incredible accomplishment these students had just completed by quickly turning the conversation to "What's next?" 

So the following day, when we were back on campus, we intentionally focussed on congratulating the graduates and then following up with questions about their experiences and achievements. So what did you major in? What was the best part of college for you? What will you miss most? How did COVID impact your experience? These conversations, we found, were much more animated and enjoyable—for us and the students. Some of them, on their own, chose to share their plans, but many simply enjoyed basking in the joy of the present moment. The lesson we learned again this week was how important it is to remember to savor and celebrate the present moment and not always rush so quickly to what's next. 

A story attributed to the renowned cellist Pablo Casals relates to this. It is a story of a time when he asked a young child who had the honor of playing the cello for him, "Do you want to play the cello when you grow up?" A little deflated by the question, the child simply responded, "I'm playing the cello right now." Cassel, though slightly embarrassed at the time, told the story many times later as a reminder to himself and the rest of us of the importance of relishing the moment for what it is in the now and not always being tempted to focus on what might be coming next.  

Over the last decade, there has been a renewed interest in meditative practices like mindfulness, breath meditation, and centering prayer. One thing they all have in common is slowing down one's breath, letting go of distractions, and resting fully in the present moment. In our fast-paced society, where we often seem to be in a hurry to get to the next thing honoring the present moment can be a welcome respite.  

If you have the opportunity to congratulate a gratulate or their parent or other family members this spring, try learning from our little experiment. See if you can focus only on the joy of what they have just accomplished rather than quickly asking what might be next. You will be giving them a gift, and perhaps, yourself as well. 

Making it personal:

1. Have you accomplished something recently that you would like to stop and savor the feeling of accomplishment?

2. Has someone you know graduated or accomplished something else recently? 

3. If so, how might you be in the moment with them as they celebrate this accomplishment?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 34: Honoring All the Emotions of Mother’s Day

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

A few months ago, while standing in line at a coffee shop, I noticed a beautiful tattoo on a man's arm right in front of me. It was a heart with the word "Mom" in it. I commented on the tattoo and said, "Your Mom must be very special to you." My comment evoked some beautiful stories from the man I had just met. Here's my recollection of some of what he told me. “It’s complicated. My mom was very special. She died two years ago, and I got this tattoo to help me remember her. We had a complicated relationship. She struggled with addiction when I was growing up, so she was not well. I also struggled with addiction but got clean ten years ago. She got into recovery near the end of her life, too, and we had some beautiful years together—making up for lost time. Our relationship was complicated but loving, and in the end, it was so good, and I miss her so much." I thanked him for sharing his story and told him how touched I was by it.

Relationships are indeed complicated and filled with complex emotions. We often teach that one of the hallmarks of emotional wellness is being comfortable with feeling and expressing the full range of our emotions.   Imagine that the full range of emotions exists on a scale from zero to ten. Now think of 0-5 as the "unpleasant" emotions, like sadness, anxiety, worry, anger, and fear. Next, think of 6–10 as the "pleasant" emotions, such as joy, love, happiness, excitement, and peace. Most of us are relatively comfortable feeling and expressing the 6-10 emotions, yet it seems many of us try to avoid feeling and expressing our 0-5 emotions This makes sense as everyone likes having, talking about, and listening to ones with the higher number, and the reverse is true with the lower numbered emotions as they are more challenging to feel and to listen to others we care about express them.  Here, however, is an important insight regarding this range of emotions: if we block out the 0-5 emotions, we will soon notice that we feel far less of the 6-10 emotions.

Author Jim Rohn makes this point, as well: "The walls we build around us to keep sadness out, also keeps out the joy." Emotions are not good or bad; they simply are. They are like a thermometer, giving us a read on the world around us. Watch a young child; within thirty minutes, you will notice that they are comfortable experiencing the full range of "0-10" emotions. They don't try to build walls around their feelings to protect themselves and don't get stuck in any one emotion. If we are willing to genuinely listen to and accept all of our feelings without judgment as they do, we, too, can avoid getting stuck in any one emotion.  We share all of this today because this weekend is Mother's Day and based on our decades of experience as therapists, we know that Mother's Day naturally evokes the whole range of "0-10" emotions. If you are filled with love and joy this weekend, then celebrate that, and when possible, express it. If, on the other hand, you are feeling grief or sadness, honor those emotions, too. Share them with others you trust to be there for you as you grieve. 

Sometimes holidays create an expectation or pressure to feel a certain way, which is unrealistic and can be detrimental to our mental health. Befriend your emotions and accept them as a message from yourself. Most likely, they could benefit from your care and attention. Making It Personal:  What emotions are you feeling as Mother's Day approaches?  Are there feelings of love and gratitude that you want to be sure to express? Are there other feelings that maybe you are having this year that you also want to express? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 33: Listening to Our Souls

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Most nonprofit organizations have mission statements. These statements succinctly state the purpose of the organization in order to inform and guide those who work for or support the organization. 

Here are a few such statements from some organizations you might know:

"The American Red Cross prevents and alleviates human suffering in the face of emergencies by mobilizing the power of volunteers and the generosity of donors."

"The mission of the American Cancer Society is to improve the lives of people with cancer and their families through advocacy, research, and patient support, to ensure everyone has an opportunity to prevent, detect, treat, and survive cancer."

"Feeding America's mission is to advance change in America by ensuring equitable access to nutritious food for all in partnership with food banks, policymakers, supporters, and the communities we serve."

Our Wellness Compass Initiative is a nonprofit program, so we also have a mission statement. "The Wellness Compass Initiative is a nonprofit with a mission to enhance mental health and resilience in individuals, families, schools, organizations, and communities."

Today's column is our fourth in a series on "Let Your Life Speak." This week we focus on spirituality and listening to our souls as they relate to our core beliefs and values. It is our response to the question, "What's your why?" A person’s why may be expressed through our spirituality in religious beliefs or practices, or it may be expressed in a manner that is separate from a formal religious tradition.  

An individual's spirituality is like a nonprofit organization's mission statement. If you were to write a mission statement for your life, it would be an expression of your spiritual beliefs. To use the metaphor of a compass, spirituality is our true north.  

Just as mission statements help organizations know what to say yes to and what to say no to, our core values and beliefs do the same for us as individuals. When we say yes to things that do not align with our spirituality, we will eventually find a sense of unease as our souls speak to us, letting us know we are getting off course.

Our souls contain deep wisdom. We are wise to listen to them, especially when they let us know that we are veering away from our sense of true north.  

Making It Personal: 

If you were to write a personal mission statement, what would it be?

Might you be willing to try doing so?

How do you recognize when you are getting out of alignment with your spiritual values and beliefs, and what helps you to get back on course?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 32: Let Your Life Speak: Nurturing Our Relationships

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Let Your Life Speak: Nurturing Our Relationships

As marriage and family therapists, people often reach out to us because there is a relationship in their life that they want to improve. It might be a relationship with a friend, neighbor, colleague, partner, spouse, sibling, or another family member. 

These requests remind us of two things. First, relationships are critical to our well-being, as few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships. The second thing these requests remind us of is that relationships are complicated, requiring an ongoing commitment to maintain and strengthen them. As the quote above says, “Human relationships are not rocket science--they are far, far more complicated.”

So while relationships are complicated, here are several principles that we find to help keep them on track. 

*Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. If we pay attention to our relationships and water them regularly with positive attention and kindness, they will grow. As we like to say, “The grass is greener where you water it.”

*We often have more agency to change and improve a relationship than we realize. While this is not always the case, we often can do things, including having difficult conversations, rather than avoiding them, to help shift a relationship stuck in a painful or unhealthy pattern. We may need to ask for professional help to do this, but change can happen with commitment and intention.

*Old patterns take time to change. Each of us has internalized relationship patterns from our childhood. Some of those patterns serve us well, and others may not. While changing these patterns is not easy, it is possible. We need to be patient and loving with ourselves (and others) as we, with time and effort, try to make these changes.  

*Love is a decision. While love is undoubtedly a feeling, too, feelings ebb and flow. Long-term relationships of every kind (between partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, etc.) require a commitment of the will. Deciding to continue to invest in the relationship even when the feelings are uncomfortable is an essential aspect of nurturing our relationships.

*The best time to have a difficult conversation about a difficulty in a relationship is when that difficulty arises. The second best time is today. Avoiding hard conversations almost always makes them more challenging to have later on. As we wrote last week, “The more you hide your feelings, the more they grow.”

Relationships are complicated. Some say they are more complex than rocket science. They are also essential to our well-being. Hopefully, the principles we have shared will make nurturing your relationships a little less complicated. 

Making It Personal:

1. Did one of the principles we shared speak especially to you? 

2. If so, is there a specific relationship you might apply it to right now? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 31: Let Your Life Speak: Listening to Our Emotions

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Let Your Life Speak: Listening to Your Emotions

This is the second in our series entitled "Let Your Life Speak." Our first column focused on listening to our bodies, and this week we are focusing on listening to our emotions.  

The quote we share above succinctly captures what we want to say about this topic.

The first part of the quote is, "The more you hide your feelings, the more they show." When I (Scott) was younger and not as comfortable expressing my emotions, I can remember saying, "I am NOT MAD," or "I am NOT SAD," with such force that it was pretty evident to anyone listening that I was, of course, completely feeling those exact emotions. I was not yet, however, capable or comfortable in expressing them in a helpful way. The more I tried to hide or deny those feelings, the more they showed, but not in healthy or beneficial ways.

The second part of the saying is, "The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow."

Imagine standing in a swimming pool, and someone hands you a beach ball. Now imagine you try to submerge the ball and try to sit on it while it is entirely underwater. You might be able to do it for a moment, but surely it will be evident to anyone looking that you are trying to hold something down that naturally wants to come to the surface. That's what trying to repress our emotions looks and feels like. We might be able to do it in the short run, but it will be exhausting, and the pressure to let the feelings come to the surface will only grow. Eventually, everyone around you will soon recognize that you are hiding something, but will be unable to help as they won't know quite what is going on "under the surface."  

The expression, "I had a good cry," speaks to the wisdom of being able to feel and express the full range of emotions. A good cry releases the pressure of our feelings, which is why we feel relief. If you think of the "motions" part of the word "emotions," it is a helpful reminder that our emotions want and need to be in motion. They need to be expressed and not bottled up. 

Of course, not all expressions of emotions are healthy, and so learning to do so is a skill that takes practice, as any parent knows who is teaching their children the difference between healthy and unhealthy expressions of feelings. The key here is that emotions are not healthy or unhealthy—they simply are a natural part of who we all are. How we express our feelings is what can be healthy or not. 

We have more to say on this topic in the podcast accompanying this week's column, so if you have fifteen minutes, we hope you will listen. See below for the link.

As we say at the end of every podcast episode, we are so grateful to be walking this journey toward wellness and wholeness with you. Our feelings of gratitude are definitely feelings we want to share with others!

Making It Personal: 

1. How comfortable are you with experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions? 

2. Can you think of ways in which the words of the quote we share above have been or are currently true for you? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 30: Let Your Life Speak: Listen with Love, to What Your Body is Telling You

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

We all know how good it feels to connect with an old friend, someone we haven't been in touch with for a while. It feels good to listen to what they have to say and catch up on how they are doing. The experience of reconnecting can remind us of how very important they have been to us.

Now imagine that the old friend we connect with is not another person, but our bodies. That's right, what if it has been a long time since we have really touched base with our physical well-being and listened closely to what our bodies are telling us?  

With today's column, we have started a series entitled "Let Your Life Speak." A theme that will run through each of the columns in this series, and the Wellness Compass podcast episodes that accompany this column, is that our lives are always speaking to us in one way to another. The question is, “Are we curious enough to listen?”

People sometimes ask what we mean when we say that we focus on "whole-person" wellness. Our short answer is that all areas of our well-being are interconnected, like objects hanging from a mobile attached to the ceiling. Move one dangling part, and you will create movement in the other objects as well. All parts of the mobile, like all parts of our well-being, are interconnected.  

This is why experts report that two-thirds of visits to a medical professional are stress related. In other words, while these visits are intended to address a physical health concern, the origin of the symptoms is often stress or being out of balance in a dimension other than the physical area of our well-being.

Knowing that stress, anxiety, and grief may first express themselves as physical symptoms is helpful in understanding and helping ourselves heal. For example, if a person is having difficulty sleeping because of something stressful they are experiencing, simply treating the sleep symptom would miss the opportunity to address the underlying issue causing the distress.

It is also true that being proactive about caring for our physical wellness can have a positive preventative impact on our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being as well. This is the premise of a recent New York Times guest article, "Whatever the Problem, It's Probably Solved by Walking." 

The article begins:

"Walking is the worst-kept secret I know. Its rewards hide under every step. Perhaps because we take walking so much for granted, many of us often ignore its ample gifts. In truth, I doubt I would walk often or very far if its sole benefit was physical, despite the abundant proof of its value in that regard. 

There's something else at play in walking that interests me more. And with the arrival of spring, attention must be paid." 

You can find the whole article HERE.

If we are fortunate, we can say we have more than one friend, yet we each only have one body. Perhaps it's time to reconnect with your "old friend,” go for a walk, and listen closely to what it is saying to you now. 

Making It Personal:

1. What are a few things your “old friend,” your body, is telling you now?

2. Have you thought about looking at your health from a holistic vantage point before now? What could it mean to you and your life?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2 Episode 29: Hope and the Mud Season

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we actually have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree temperature swings that often occur daily, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine. 

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine, and closer to home the continued school shootings and the political uncertainty in our own country can create enormous swings of emotions within us day to day, or even hour to hour.  

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and research that the presence of hope within a person profoundly affects their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering. 

We believe that hope is like a muscle; it is not something we either have or don't have, but it can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality. 

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe. 

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our fifteen-minute podcast, which is a companion to this column, we discuss some practices that nurture hope. You can listen to the podcast by clicking HERE or down below.

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it. 

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do to nourish your spirit and sense of hope right now? 

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 28: Celebrating Assist Leaders

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Celebrating Assist Leaders

“We rise by lifting others.” Robert Ingersoll

Caitlin Clark is one of the reasons the University of Iowa women’s basketball team will be in the NCAA Final Four this weekend. What we admire most about her is not that she is a prolific scorer, although she is number three in the nation in that category, but instead that she is the assist leader for all collegiate women players this year.

An assist, in basketball and other sports, is the act of making a pass to another player who then scores. The player making the assist often gives up a chance to score herself to allow her teammate (who she thinks has a better shot) to score. Assist leaders are unselfish, which is why we celebrate and admire Caitlin Clark. We also want to give a shout-out to Marquis Nowell of Kansas State, who broke the single-game assist record in the men’s NCAA basketball tournament this year. Excellent work, you two!

Alas, this is a column about health and wellness, not basketball, but you might already have guessed the connection to wellness in our focus on assists. In our work as therapists, we have been honored to meet countless assist leaders—people who make the decision every day to support the well-being of others. Some of these people are family members who care for loved ones, some are people who help in some way in their communities, and some help others when they are at work, and the list goes on. These people, who often don’t get the recognition they deserve, are the real stars of the game of life.

On our Wellness Compass podcast this week, Scott talked about another related crucial aspect of well-being, and that is that of knowing when to ask for assistance ourselves. We all need the assistance of others to be our best, and knowing when to ask for help is critical to our health and wellness.

So here’s to all the assist leaders in our lives. May we celebrate them, and may we be inspired to imitate them. 

Making It Personal:

Who do you know right now that could benefit from your assistance? How specifically might you offer that assistance this week? Is there some help or assistance you need right now, and who could you reach out to ask for “an assist?”?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 27: Detaching From the Outcome

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Detaching From the Outcome

We carefully filled out the NCAA Men's and Women's basketball tournament brackets last week, both hoping for the best. We just checked our brackets, and out of the 20,056,273 entries submitted to ESPN, Scott is currently in 18,984,367th place. Holly's situation is only slightly better. While our ability to predict the future is clearly lacking, here's one prediction we are confident making. Neither one of us is going to win the ESPN bracket challenge. 

Do you know the odds of picking a perfect bracket involving 68 teams? 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. That number is so large we had to look it up to know how to say it. If you're wondering too, it's nine quintillion, two hundred twenty-three quadrillion, three hundred seventy-two trillion, thirty-six billion, eight hundred fifty-four million, seven hundred seventy-five thousand, eight hundred eight.

We can learn at least two wellness lessons from engaging in this annual rite of prognostication. The first is humility. We may like to think we either know or can predict what will happen in our lives with some degree of certainty. But clearly, when our 'brackets are busted,' we are once again reminded that there are always surprises and upsets outside of our control.

The second lesson is the value of nurturing the ability to detach from the outcome. Detaching from the outcome involves doing things wholeheartedly, while at the same time knowing and being ok with the fact that we can't control the outcome. It does not mean that we don't care about what happens. It means that we don't become so anxious or fixed on the end result that we try to either force a conclusion or, are so determined to have things be a certain way that we fail to bring our best selves to the experience.

Imagine, for example, that you are so worried about someone you care about that you try to control or strongly influence their behavior. In such a situation, you will likely unintentionally radiate distrust and anxiety and thus hurt the relationship as the other person then experiences your words or actions as unsupportive. Now imagine that instead, you show up as the most loving and kind person you can be. You share your love and concern and then detach from the outcome of their choices or behaviors. With this mindset, you are more likely to strengthen the relationship, and be experienced as an ally by the other person.

Here's one more example of how detaching from the outcome can be helpful. Imagine you have a job interview or a presentation that you are giving. You are so anxious about getting affirmation or getting the job that you come across as insecure and maybe even pushy. What if, instead of focusing your energy only on the result, you focus on being fully prepared and sharing the best of who you are and what you know? The paradox is that when we often stop worrying about or forcing outcomes, we may find that the desired results are more likely to occur. 

Basketball teams, as seen in the exciting ongoing tournaments, are never in complete control of the outcomes of their games. However, they are in control of their preparation, commitment, willingness to work as a team, attitude, and bringing their best efforts to each game.

An excellent three-point shot percentage for college players is making 35% of the shots taken, which means that at least two-thirds of the shots are missed. That could be a third lesson for us. Like the men and women we watch playing in the tournaments, we still want to keep taking our best shots in life, understanding that missing many of our shots is a given.

Making It Personal:

What helps you detach from the outcome when you are anxious?

Can you think of a time when you were able to let go of trying to force something you wanted, and it ended up ultimately helping you or someone else? Is there an outcome that you are pushing for right now that could benefit from you loosening your grip?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 26: A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

A Wee Bit of Irish Wit and Wisdom

In honor of this week's column being sent on St. Patrick's Day, we are celebrating the wisdom of Ireland. The Irish are known for their pithy words of wisdom, which we believe are relevant to this column's wellness focus. In no particular order, here are several of our favorite Irish sayings. Read them carefully and see which ones resonate with you. 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far or too fast.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were.

When you are unsure of the way, walk slowly.

Two people shorten the road.

Count your joys more than your woes, count your friends instead of your foes.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Don't be breaking your shin on a stool that's not in your way.

May the hinges of your friendships never grow rusty.

The best things in life are the people we love, the places we have been, and the memories we have made along the way.

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

We invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with us by replying to this email or posting on our Wellness Compass Facebook page.  

This week's Wellness Compass podcast expands on several of these Irish sayings, applying the wisdom they provide to our well-being. You can listen to the podcast HERE.

Making It Personal:

1. Which of these Irish sayings speaks to you the most?

2. Considering the saying you chose, is there something you can do this week to live into its wisdom?

3. Is there another piece of Irish wisdom, or perhaps wisdom from your own culture, that also speaks to you about well-being?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 25: Changing Our Perspective Changes Our Experience

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Changing Your Perspective, Changes Your Experience by D. Scott and Holly Hughes Stoner

Years ago, when I (Holly) was in high school and college, I was lucky enough to take several drawing classes, some with still lifes or inanimate objects and others with live models. I learned a lot in those classes and only some of what I learned had to do with actually capturing what I saw on paper. I learned other lessons then that have helped me in life over the years.

I learned then to look very closely and to seriously study what I was seeing. Was what I was seeing really what was there, or was my vantage point skewed in some way? I learned to look for variations in light and dark, shapes and colors, and how they intersected and faded into one another. We learned that our perspective made a huge difference and that seeing anything from a different point of view made the subject look very different from what we had first seen, yet it was still correct. 

We were encouraged to move about the room, getting closer and further away, standing up on a chair or crouching down low, always observing what was before us, but from a different angle. All of this was an attempt to teach us that different perspectives would yield different views and that the ability to view things from multiple perspectives would yield a better and more in-depth understanding of the subject before us.

As marriage and family therapists, we also know about the importance of multiple perspectives. For example, imagine a teen and parent are locked in a conflict where each can only see the critical behavior of the other, both feeling that this conflict can only get better when the other changes their behavior. A breakthrough occurs when, for example, the teen can share that they are hurting because of some significant challenge they are facing, so underneath their angry, argumentative behavior, they are hiding sadness and vulnerability. Once this is shared, the parent softens, and their whole perspective changes. The parent then reveals that underneath their anger and judgment is really a feeling of concern and worry. Healing and reconciliation occur in the relationship when they share their unexpressed feelings, making it possible to gradually shift their perspectives.

One trait that significantly aids us in our ability to expand our perspective on a matter is curiosity. Don’t just take our word on this. The next time you find yourself entertaining a negative judgment about someone’s behavior or position on a matter, try suspending that judgment long enough to be curious. Ask questions to understand more about what the person is thinking or feeling. Try looking at what is occurring from their point of view. Remain open to other ways to understand what is happening. This very openness will often strengthen the relationship, even if, in the end, you still agree to see things differently.. 

We have all likely had the experience of forming a quick judgment about someone and their behavior. And then, later, once we learned more of their story, we came to see them differently. Our ability to suspend judgment and remain curious expands our perspective, and our experience of them changes. 

In this time of polarized perspectives, both in the world and even in relationships, inviting us to consider multiple perspectives is indeed a road less traveled. But it is one that we repeatedly have found to be beneficial, whether in drawing and art, or in our relationships with others.

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2, Episode 24: Cleaning Out Our Junk Drawers (Part 8 of our 8-part series on our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being)

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

"Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor. 

It's anything that stands between you 

and the life you want to be living." 

Peter Walsh

Cleaning Out Our Junk Drawers

We spent an hour this past weekend cleaning out the junk drawer in our kitchen. Here's a partial list of what we found: rubber bands, paper clips, AA batteries, matches, wire, string, ribbon, mouse traps, tape, a screwdriver, pliers, picture hanging hooks, screws, post-it notes, birthday candles, duct tape, furniture foot pads, glitter, wood glue, super glue, pencils, a coaster, receipts, a camera battery, a Swiss army knife, a tape measure, padlocks, markers, miscellaneous keys, a watch band, old chargers, shoe laces, and an old pair of earbuds.

Many recent books and blogs have been written recently about the joy of decluttering and organizing. We experienced a small taste of that joy by cleaning out our junk drawer—not that the actual process of decluttering was all that fun, but the satisfaction we got from finishing our project was well worth it.

Clutter and cleaning come in other forms, too. With the first day of spring less than three weeks from now, many of us may be considering doing a little spring cleaning. Perhaps it's also an excellent time to take a look at any emotional clutter that has accumulated in ourselves and our relationships. Just as we can easily stuff junk into a drawer because we don't have time to deal with it, we also can stuff emotions away, thinking that at "some time" in the future, we will deal with them. Maybe that "some time" is now for us, so taking time to clean out some hurt, anger, resentment, unexpressed feelings, or needs might benefit our well-being and/or help an important relationship in our lives. Who knows what else we might find in boht our physical and our "emotional" junk drawers and how good it might feel to clean some things out?

Interestingly, the word "clutter" shares the same root as the word "clot." And with spring arriving soon, it might be a good idea for all of us to take a little time to remove not just the physical, but also emotional clutter that may be blocking or limiting our lives right now.  

Making It Personal:

1.  Do you regularly declutter your physical spaces or wait until you absolutely "have to?" 

2.  Is there some physical decluttering you would like to do this spring? What exactly is that?

3.  How about some emotional clutter? If so, what's one small step you can take regarding decluttering that area of your life?  

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Season 2 Episode 23: Acceptance and Change-Part 7 of our 8-part series on our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being

(Click on the player above to listen to this episode)

Acceptance and Change

The simple and profound words from the opening of the Serenity Prayer (found in the quote box above) resonate as deeply for people today as when they were written in 1943 by Reinhold Niebuhr. While the words are simple and profound, living them is much more challenging. This is especially true when an unplanned change or loss occurs, or when there is something in our lives that we worry about but can do little, if anything, about it. At such times, we may wonder what it means to find serenity.

The prayer points out that there are three crucial steps to finding serenity:

• Acceptance

• Changing what we can change

• Having the wisdom to know the difference.

As marriage and family therapists, we often have the honor of talking with people struggling with some sort of concern. Typically, when a person is worried about someone or something, they put their energy into trying to change the other person or the situation. When we are in a similar situation, it is easy to think that we can't find serenity until or unless something in our life changes. If this is the only way we can frame the situation, then our serenity becomes dependent on factors we can't control. It is helpful to remember that we can both work for change in a relationship or situation and focus on managing our own worry or reactivity.

It is worth remembering that the only person we can change or control in a relationship or situation is ourselves. 

While the Serenity Prayer was not written for Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery groups, it has been widely adopted by them. People in recovery know a thing or two about things they cannot change and the things they can.

May we all be reminded once again of the wisdom of this prayer to help us find serenity and wisdom in the midst of life's challenges. 

Making It Personal:

1. Are you dealing with something painful that is beyond your control right now?

2. If you are, what helps you to find serenity and acceptance?

3. Is there a challenge you are having in a relationship or situation that could benefit from you having the courage to change?

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Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.