"Choose Being Kind Over Being Right," Season 4, Episode 5

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Choose Being Kind Over Being Right

We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended.

While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week.

1. Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you.  Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right." 

2. Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem.  In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships. 

3. Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict. 

 "I feel like  I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become. 

I'm sorry and want to change that." 

When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response.  Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften. 

Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week. 

Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you. 

Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"That's a Great Question!" Season 4, Episode 4

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

That’s a Great Question

As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions."  The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as  teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing."

When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship. 

So….what constitutes a great question?  Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours. 

A great question …

*…is open-ended. 

A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no."  "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection.

*…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better.  

"How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?" 

"If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?" 

"What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?"  

These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities.

*…is comfortable asking about feelings. 

"The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know." 

"You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?" 

To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

*…is comfortable with silence. 

Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another. 

*…is neutral and free of bias.  

"You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral.  

Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?"

*…is asked with one's full, undivided attention. 

The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words. 

Of course, we ask lots of questions in relationships, and most of them don’t have to rise to the level of being great. But a just few great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, can make all the difference in our relationships. 

As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well. 

Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Loving Speech," Season 4, Episode 3

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Loving Speech

We continue to be deeply grateful for the responses from our column readers and podcast listeners. One common wondering, that we have noticed arising in many of the concerns that have been shared, is how to navigate conflict.

While every situation is unique, one timeless principle that applies to both repairing and strengthening relationships, be they in conflict or not, is the practice of loving speech.

The quote from Rumi in the accompanying photo beautifully captures what loving speech looks like, known as the three gates of loving speech: It is true. It is necessary. It is kind.

These three attributes invite us to reflect not just on the words and tone we use, but also on the true intention behind our speech.  This self awareness is crucial, especially when we are in conflict with someone.  Are we speaking to "win" an argument, or is it to create a space where differences or concerns can be calmly explored, allowing possible compromises or solutions to emerge? Is our intention to "one up" the other, or is it to approach the other with humility, acknowledging our own part in the conflict?  Both our words and our intentions will make all the difference in how the conversation unfolds.  

Rumi’s advice to consider these attributes before we speak (Is it true? kind? necessary?) is invaluable, though admittedly can be challenging in the heat of the moment. We have found it equally helpful to reflect on these "gates" of loving speech even after a conversation has taken place. The morning after a difficult discussion, for instance, we may realize our words were not as kind, necessary, true, or even helpful as we wish they had been. We may regret our part in the interaction. If so, considering whether we did indeed use loving speech or not gives us the opportunity to reach out and apologize if we fell short, repairing any hurt we may have caused.

These ideals of loving speech are just that—ideals to strive for. Remember, strengthening or rebuilding relationships is always about progress, not perfection. 

Making it Personal:  As you go about your week, we encourage you to experiment with these principles of loving speech, and observe whether they make a difference in your interactions. Practice asking yourself both before and after a conversation if what you are about to say or have said is kind, true, and necessary.  Is it loving speech?  If not, take some time to think about how you could rephrase your words so they can fit through the three gates of loving speech. You will not regret it, we are sure.    And we’d love to hear how it goes.

Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. You can email us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

What We Pay Attention to in Our Relationships is What Will Grow, Season 4, Episode 2

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

What We Pay Attention to in Our Relationships is What Will Grow.

As we announced last week in our first column for this “season” (September 2024-May 2025), our focus for this season will be relationships.  Based on the number of responses we got from our column readers and podcast listeners, we know we are not alone in both having joys in our relationships that we celebrate as well as challenges that we sometimes face. Thank you to everyone who shared your joys, concerns, and time-tested advice for building and maintaining strong emotional connections. We are still reading through the responses and look forward to sharing some of them (anonymously, of course) in future columns and addressing the many questions you have raised.

Our lesson for this week is simple in concept and yet sometimes challenging to remember: What we pay attention to in our relationships is what will grow. 

Getting stuck in a loop of complaints and what’s “wrong” in any relationship is not uncommon. This focus can quickly become a bad habit loop, especially when both people are engaged in the cycle. The more attention we give to the negative aspects of another or a relationship, the more significant those aspects seem to become, creating a cycle where conflict can grow and eventually overshadow what is good.

However, when we shift our focus to the positive—such as qualities we love or value in the other person—something powerful happens. As people begin to reflect on what they appreciate or love about the other person the tension often eases. What we focus on grows. If we choose to focus on appreciation, kindness, and love, those aspects can begin to flourish again in the relationship. This focus in and of itself may not resolve the conflicts that sparked the negative cycle, but it does provide us the perspective and the space we need to address the inevitable conflicts or differences in opinion that come up in all relationships. 

Several years ago, we were asked to consult with a group of nonprofit leaders who were stuck in a cycle of conflict and criticism. A few important issues were at the center of their negative cycle. In our first two meetings with them, we chose not to address directly the conflicts they were experiencing, but instead, we spent intentional time having them tell us what they loved most and were most proud of in their work with this organization.  Most of them had been there a long time and so they had many beautiful stories to share. As these stories were shared we could feel the tension in the room begin to subside.  And once the tension was reduced and they were able to remember the bigger context of their important mission, they were able to work more creatively in resolving the genuine conflicts they were still facing. 

A good piece of advice often given to parents is to, “Catch your children doing something good.” This advice is especially helpful if the parent has been focusing on their child’s negative behavior and losing sight of the good that is inevitably also occurring. This great advice actually works well in all relationships, so it is wise for all of us to remember it.  

Let’s remember to catch each other doing something good and freely express our appreciation. Doing so will strengthen our relationships and give us calmer, more creative spaces to address any conflicts we might have. 

Making It Personal: As always, we invite you to apply anything that has been helpful here to your own life.  What matters most is not what we write or say but whether any of this helps you to be more aware and intentional in your life and relationships. 

What’s one takeaway from this column you might put into practice this week? What specifically could you do?

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Back to School: Lifelong Learning in Relationships, September 5, 2024

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Back to School: Lifelong Learning in Relationships

As the new school year begins, so does a new season for our Weekly Wellness Compass column and podcast. After a summer break, we're excited to embark on another year of exploration and growth with you. For those unfamiliar with our work, we are the co-founders of the nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative. For the past sixteen years, we've supported people worldwide on their journey toward wellness and wholeness.

This time of year often inspires a renewed commitment to growth and learning. In that spirit, we've decided to focus this "school year" on relationships—one of the eight areas of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Wellbeing. As marriage and family therapists, we've seen how the quality of our relationships profoundly impacts our overall wellbeing, and that's why this year, relationships will be the central theme of our column and podcast.

How we interact with others significantly shapes our lives, whether in marriage, friendship, a family bond, or a workplace relationship. We've learned that being in relationships is a continuous learning process offered to us over the years—both in our personal journeys (we just celebrated 47 years of marriage) and in our professional practices.

We often hear people say, "If only the other person would change, things would be better." It's easy to view our relationships from a distance, pointing out what's wrong with the other person. But the truth is, we are co-creators in every relationship. The way we show up—our energy, words, and actions—significantly shapes these connections.

In our work, we've met many people who feel stuck and frustrated by a partner, child, colleague, or friend. They come to us hoping to change the other person, but we emphasize the power they have within themselves to influence the relationship. This isn't about control; it's about recognizing the impact we can have through our own behavior.

We like to think of this journey as being in a lifelong school of relationships. Just as students return to school to learn and grow, we, too, are continuously learning and growing, as we are all in a multitude of relationships. Relationships are never static. As we change and the people we are in relationships with change, there is always more to learn and practice.

This year, we invite you to become more intentional about your relationships. Whether it's a long-term relationship with established patterns or a new one full of possibilities, you have the power to influence its direction. Even longstanding relationships can change and grow when we approach them with awareness and intention.

Relationships don't just happen to us; we co-create them every day. Let's commit to being lifelong learners in this school of human connection, continuously evolving and enhancing the quality of our relationships—and in turn, our lives.

The bell is about to ring, so we will wrap up this week’s class. We’ll be back next week as we continue learning how to strengthen our relationships together.

Optional Homework: If you had one piece of advice to offer on the key to strong relationships, what would it be? Is there a relationship that is inviting you to learn something new right now?

We also invite you to send us any relationship questions you have so we can know the kinds of concerns that are on our readers’ minds.  If we address your question in a future column or podcast, we will, of course, keep your identity anonymous.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn," Season 3, Episode 31

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn

We are traveling to Dharamsala, India, next week for a two-week conference on Eastern (Tibetan Buddhist) and Western perspectives on resilience, trauma, and mental health. We are honored to have been invited to present our work, the Wellness Compass Initiative, yet we are most looking forward to listening to our hosts and learning about their unique cultural and religious wisdom and perspectives on enhancing resilience.

As we prepare to go to Dharamsala, we know that we will benefit much more from listening to others than from speaking. This is almost always the case, and so today's column focuses on the importance of listening. It also concludes our six-part series on some of the core practices for enhancing our wellbeing.

Deep listening is powerful as it opens new doors of learning by helping us to understand our own needs, better empathize with others, and foster more meaningful connections. Thus it's a practice that enhances our wellbeing in all aspects of life.

When we listen deeply to ourselves, we learn what we long for and, in turn, what part of our wellbeing might need attention. When we listen deeply to others, we enhance our relationships with them. When we are open to listening to those who are different from us, we build bridges of connection and understanding. Our spiritual wellbeing can also be nurtured and strengthened when we listen to what is sacred for us.

The more we learn to listen, the more we will learn from our listening. 

This column concludes our season of weekly columns and podcasts as we will be  taking a break for the summer. The column and podcast will return the first week of September.

Whether you've recently joined our community or have been with us since the inception of this column in 2008, we sincerely appreciate your engagement. Your responses have been invaluable in shaping our content. Thank you for ‘listening.'

 We wish you all a wonderful summer. May it be a time full of wonder, deep listening, and learning.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Lessons Learned From a Garage Sale," Season 3, Episode 30

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Lessons Learned From a Garage Sale

We recently stopped by a garage sale in our neighborhood. When talking with the owners, they told us that they have been having a spring garage sale every couple of years ever since they moved into their home some twenty years ago. They said it was the perfect combination of spring cleaning and the need to remember to regularly let go of things they don't need anymore. We were so inspired that we are now seriously thinking of having a similar sale ourselves. 

As we are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing, we wanted to acknowledge the importance of practicing all of the shapes and sizes of "letting go" that present themselves throughout our lives.

Thinking about this reminded us of a conversation we had several years ago with a rather large group of people regarding the act of letting go throughout life. We asked the people present to share the challenges they were currently facing related to our topic. They wrote their anonymous responses on index cards, and we collected them and read them out loud for everyone as a way to normalize the many ways in which the challenges of letting go come up for all of us. Here are some of their responses: 

"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my children. It's important and hard for me to remember from time to time that it is their life, not mine."

"I find it challenging to let go of anger."

"For me, I have trouble letting go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me." 

"I find as I get older it is hard, yet necessary, for me to let go of furniture and other possessions that have sentimental value to me."

" Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of." 

"During Covid, I had to learn to let go of so many plans."

"Letting go of things I had hoped would happen, but am now sure will not happen is hard for me, as I realize how little control I really have."

"I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of. I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her. I'm 93 years old and still working on all of this!"

"I am finding it definitely challenging to let go of my youth."

"I am such a worrier. I am really working on letting go of my worries about the future."

"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me."

We were moved by the depth of what was offered by these people. What they shared was such a powerful reminder that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry. It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were also struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience for all of us there, as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.

During the last portion of our time together, we asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared. The common responses were talking with others in similar situations and getting their support, normalizing that everyone is facing some kind of challenge around letting go and their spiritual lives. What is known as the Serenity Prayer was shared by many. The profound wisdom of this prayer is that it talks about finding serenity in accepting the things we cannot control or change, having the courage to change the things one can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life happens. Loss happens. Hurt happens. Change happens. At the same time, though, healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and letting go happens. And, as Spring reminds us, new beginnings can and do consistently occur all around us, too. 

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Normalizing Life's Ups and Downs," Season 3, Episode 29

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Normalizing Life's Ups and Downs

This week I (Holly) had the honor of participating in a Mental Health Resource Fair at a local Wisconsin combined public middle and high school in the district of Beloit-Turner. Before becoming a therapist fifteen years ago, I spent many years as a teacher. So this was an excellent opportunity to spend a day back in a school, combining my experience and love for helping young people with supporting the school's efforts to normalize mental health for their students and staff. 

In addition to representing our Wellness Compass Initiative, I was joined by quite a few other community nonprofits that are each doing their part to support the mental health and wellbeing of teens and their families. I was inspired by the collective commitment of so many caring souls.

While this was the first time we participated in this day, this district has offered a variety of mental health programs for their students for many years. They are doing their part in reducing the stigma about mental health challenges every day. Many students shared with me some of the ups and downs they are currently facing: an important grandmother having to move away, losing a friend, and going to a new school next year where they know no one. 

It was an honor to be trusted by them and to validate and normalize what they were experiencing. Many students reported that they felt fortunate to be in a school where they could talk openly with teachers, counselors, and other students about the challenges they were facing. They said they felt so much support knowing they were not alone in their struggles. 

We are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing. And so, in today's column, in honor of what the students reminded us of this week, we want to lift up the importance of normalizing and accepting the ups and downs, the highs and lows of life. Challenges are not just for middle school and high school students alone. It's not like we outgrow the hard times and challenges that life sometimes gives us. Just as at every stage of life, we experience physical aches and pains—some minor, some quite serious—so, too, we all experience emotional aches and pains of varying degrees. Accepting these as the normal processes of life, rather than rare exceptions or things to be embarrassed about, does much to help us be open to sharing and supporting one another.

Imagine the possibility of having regular mental health resource fairs, not just in our schools but in our neighborhoods, workplaces, faith centers, and our larger communities. We could all gather to share what we are facing and seek support. In doing so, we would be doing so much to enhance not just our own personal wellbeing, but the wellbeing of our communities as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Knowing When to Push the Pause Button," Season 3, Episode 28

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Knowing When to Push the Pause Button

One of our grandsons recently taught us a helpful mindfulness technique he learned in school called “take five.” You hold one hand up with your fingers stretched out. With the other hand, beginning where your thumb and wrist adjoin, slowly move your index finger up and down each finger, taking a deep breath as you go up and then exhaling as you move downward, eventually tracing each finger. This is what his teacher taught the students to do when they feel stressed. This is also a great way for all of us to help reset ourselves when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. 

Knowing when to pause and reset is a core component of emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational wellbeing, and that is why we are focusing on it in this third column in our series on foundational practices for enhancing our overall wellness. 

In the quote at the top of the column, Lori Deschene provides a helpful list of when pausing is vital. The list is a good place to start, and it can also help us think of a few other times when we may need to pause in our daily lives.

Pause to listen more before being quick to speak. 

Pause before sending emotionally charged emails or other messages. 

Pause to examine our own biases.

Pause before speaking unkindly or gossiping about someone. 

Pause when feeling impatient. 

Pause when feeling stressed. 

Pause when becoming overwhelmed.

Pause before being quick to defend yourself.

Pause before posting heated comments on social media.

Pause when you find yourself feeling emotionally flooded.

Pause when you are exhausted. 

Pause when you disagree with another.

And, just as important, pause to observe the positive around you, things that pausing allows us to see. 

You undoubtedly have specific examples from your life to add to this list. Maybe this would be a good time to, well….pause, and think about what they are. 

However we “take five” or “practice the pause,” knowing when to do so will enhance our wellbeing and the wellbeing of those with whom we are connected.   

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Is There Anything You Might Be Pretending Not to Know?," Season 3, Episode 27

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Is There Anything You Might Be Pretending Not to Know?

Imagine the following exchange between two people who are closely connected. 

Person 1: "I have found you to be quite argumentative and defensive recently, and I am feeling hurt by how you habitually respond to me in this way."

Person 2: (Said with great intensity and heated emotion) "What are you even talking about??!! I have NOT been argumentative and defensive at all!"

Person 1: (Silence, just looking at the other person with curiosity).

Person 2: (Sheepishly adds) "Um, maybe the way I just responded to you is kind of what you are talking about? I guess I have kind of been acting like a jerk lately."  

Person 1: "Yes, and thank you for being willing to notice that. Let's talk more about what's going on."

In our multi-part series on key practices for enhancing our wellbeing, we are focusing on the importance of self-awareness this week.  

The fictional exchange above illustrates that change can only begin once self-awareness exists. If Person 2 in the conversation had only stayed defensive and argumentative, never acknowledging any truth to what Person 1 was saying, no change would be possible then.  

Susan Scott is an author we both like and in her book Fierce Conversations, she has a great coaching question. "What, if anything, are you pretending not to know right now?" What we like about this question is that it reminds us that sometimes there are things we are struggling with that we, at one level, know we need to face, but are actively trying not to be aware of. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but whatever the reason, we can't begin to change something until we acknowledge it.  

Last week, we wrote about the practice of self-compassion. We started with that practice because we wanted it to guide all the other practices. With self-compassiom, and compassion from others, we are more willing and able to recognize signs that something is out of balance in our lives, whether that be in our physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual wellbeing. 

Such self-awareness might sound like this…

"I've been unusually tired lately; I wonder what that's about."

"I feel like I have lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to take some time to reflect and work on that."

"I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed with other things lately. I want you to know that I am aware of that and intend to make some changes in our relationship."

"I am aware that I have been pretending not to know that what I am currently doing is not sustainable."

"I am aware that this organization cannot simply keep doing what has always done and expect different results."

Do any of these statements connect with you or bring something related up for you in your life? How might you practice greater self-awareness (combined with self-compassion) right now? And how might doing so enhance some aspect of your wellbeing?  

  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Practicing Self-Compassion," Season 3, Episode 26

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

  What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Practicing Self-Compassion

   We are excited to begin a multi-part series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” in which we will explore the practices that we have found to be foundational for wellness, both in our own lives and in the lives of the people we are honored to help.

   We start with the practice of self-compassion. This is a good one to begin with because, unfortunately, just bringing up the topic of wellness creates a self-critical reaction for many people. This reaction is often accompanied by a long list of “shoulds.” “I really should……get more sleep, eat better, spend more time with family and friends, create a budget, and spend more time nurturing my spiritual life…..”

   Our Wellness Compass Initiative (along with its partner, the Living Compass Spirituality and Wellness Initiative) is a strength-based, love-based initiative with no room for shame, guilt, or blame. This is because the inner critic is an ineffective teacher and motivator. We don’t grow and change because we should or because if we don’t, we will think less of ourselves. What would you most likely feel, or how might you react, if someone were to tell you that you should change in some way? You would most likely recoil and resist and might even feel ashamed or angry. That is, unfortunately, how most of us also respond when we recognize there is a change that our life would benefit from.

   When we, however, view ourselves and our wellbeing through the lens of self-care and self-compassion, we are kind and encouraging to ourselves. We support any desire we have to make a change with grace and patience. We become cheerleaders for ourselves, just as we would cheer on others, such as friends or family members, who share with us a change they are seeking to make in their lives.

   It is worth noting that grief is one area in which we often witness people have difficulty with self-compassion. It’s not uncommon to hear someone ask, “What’s wrong with me that I still get so upset about my loss?” The answer is there is nothing wrong. Grief has no timetable or expiration date. It ebbs and flows as long as it needs to, and each person’s journey with grief is unique. Lovingly and tenderly accepting one’s feelings of grief is a beautiful way to practice self-compassion.

   Some might think that too much focus on loving and caring for ourselves leads to self-centeredness. In our experience, that is not the case at all. Loving ourselves does not create self-centeredness; loving ourselves creates a centered self. In fact, from a place of being a more centered self, we can grow, change, and love others more fully.

   As we begin this series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” we invite you to start by practicing self-compassion and care towards yourself this week. For each of us, that will mean something different.

   What does it mean for you? What is one small thing you could do for yourself this week that would be an act of self-care and self-compassion?

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Let It Come. Let It Go. Let It Flow," Season 3, Episode 25

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

   One of the joys of this year's college basketball season has been watching Caitlin Clark play for the Iowa Hawkeyes. In a recent game we were watching, the announcer, seemingly running out of superlatives to describe the incredible skills of the now all-time scoring leader in NCAA Basketball history, simply said, "Once again, Caitlin Clark is in 'the zone.'" This meant that almost every shot (including her signature "logo threes" and every assist she made was right on target. During those moments, her play seemed effortless, and her energy seemed contagious as it spread to the other four players on her team.

 

   Being "in the zone" has also been described as experiencing "flow." Flow is the effortless experience people feel when they are fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus so that their thoughts and emotions are fully channeled and aligned with the task at hand. I believe that one of the greatest draws to watching sports, and any live performance for that matter, is that spectators hope to see an athlete, a musician, an actor, or a dancer perform in a state of flow. There are few things more inspiring than witnessing someone in such a state. 

  The only thing better than watching someone in a state of flow is to experience that state ourselves. Flow is not just for athletes and other performers; it is an experience we, too, can have in our relationships, work, and daily lives. There is a certain spiritual quality to flow because it is not something that a person can force to happen. The term flow is used because there is a sense that a person experiencing flow is part of a force or energy larger than themselves, as if they are being carried by the flow of a river or a current of air. They feel like they are in the flow of something beyond themselves. Flow is what we experience when we look at the clock and can't believe how much time has passed without our awareness of it passing.  

    Flow is largely an unexpected gift because it is impossible to create flow whenever we feel like it. However, it is possible to maximize our chances of experiencing it by focusing on the following traits or habits. 

  • Living or being entirely in the present moment, not rehashing the past, or worrying about the future. 

  • Living from a place of "soul" rather than ego. .

  • Not forcing or trying to control an outcome. 

  • Fostering a lack of self-consciousness and not taking ourselves too seriously.

  • Maintaining a sense of humor. 

  • Living from the "inside out," rather than the "outside in"-focusing on intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

  • Silencing our inner judge, our inner critic. 

  • Practicing something to the point where it becomes effortless.

  The opposite of flow is distraction and constriction, which is why we use the term "choke" when an athlete, performer, or team tightens up and performs poorly in a key situation. It is impossible to experience flow when we are distracted or when other things in our lives are out of balance. In basketball, as in life, if we find ourselves distracted or choking, it is a good time to call a time-out and regroup. Resolving distractions and then re-centering ourselves and focusing all of our attention and energy on the "now" will maximize our chances of getting back in the flow. 

  Review the traits listed above and try putting them into practice in some concrete situations in your life. Instead of being distracted, work on being fully present in a conversation with a friend or loved one, and see if you experience a different kind of flow in the conversation. Try doing a task at work or home in an entirely focused, mindful way, and see if the task feels different to you. Try a spiritual practice of prayer, meditation, walking, deep breathing, or journaling, and see if you can experience a moment of flow. 

  In the end, flow is a gift. We cannot make it happen. We can, however, practice certain habits that put us in a mindset where we are more open to receiving this gift. For you and me the result may not be sinking more three-point shots or completing no-look pass, but it may result in experiencing increased joy and meaning in our lives and our relationships.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Gifts From the Spring Equinox," Season 3, Episode 24

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

This coming week includes St. Patrick's Day and the Spring Equinox. Wondering how we could connect these two, we remembered that one of our favorite poets, John O'Donohue, who just happens to be Irish, wrote a beautiful piece about the coming of spring.  

His words remind us that sometimes change and new growth seem like they will never happen, and then suddenly, just like the coming of spring, the signs of new life are everywhere. 

“Gifts From the Spring Equinox,” by John O'Donohue

"Within the grip of winter, it is almost impossible to imagine the spring. The gray perished landscape is shorn of color. Only bleakness meets the eye; everything seems severe and edged. Winter is the oldest season; it has some quality of the absolute. 

Yet beneath the surface of winter, the miracle of spring is already in preparation; the cold is relenting; seeds are wakening up. Colors are beginning to imagine how they will return. 

Then, imperceptibly, somewhere one bud opens and the symphony of renewal is no longer reversible. From the black heart of winter a miraculous, breathing plenitude of color emerges.

The beauty of nature insists on taking its time. Everything is prepared. Nothing is rushed. The rhythm of emergence is a gradual slow beat always inching its way forward; change remains faithful to itself until the new unfolds in the full confidence of true arrival. 

Because nothing is abrupt, the beginning of spring nearly always catches us unawares. It is there before we see it; and then we can look nowhere without seeing it."

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Time Change," Season 3, Episode 23

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

We recently visited some friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while. It was a delight to share memories and catch up on each other’s lives. The next day, we agreed that we both wanted to make more time for experiences like that.

The semi-annual ritual of changing our clocks, which we will all engage in again soon, provides an opportunity for us to reflect on time and how much time we are making for what matters most to us.

Just as it is a good practice to regularly reflect on how we spend, save, or share our money, the same thing can be helpful in reflecting on how we spend our time. Suggesting that we pause to take an audit of how we are spending our time is not meant to be an exercise in self-criticism but a way to bring to mind anything we wish we were making more time for, but are not. This is what we were doing when we realized we wanted to spend more time connecting with friends.

Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed with responsibilities and challenges that we feel like we have no time for anything else. There may also be times when we feel like we have nothing but time on our hands. Either way, pausing to reflect on how we are choosing to spend our time can be helpful.

In place of any judgment about how we are using our time, we find that this simple question can be most empowering: “What is one thing that, if I spent more or less time doing it this week, would enhance my overall wellbeing?

Pause and ask yourself that question with self-compassion. If you gain some clarity from the question, then receive that and do what comes to mind. Hopefully, this will be a gift you can give yourself and others today or this week. For us, it was and is spending time with friends. What is it for you?

*If you are stuck or need help with this, looking at our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing might stimulate some ideas. You can find it HERE.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Choosing the View From the Bridge: Observing Self & Experiencing Self" Season 3, Episode 22

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

With the recent record warmth in Wisconsin we took advantage of the weather and went for a long hike last Saturday. One of the highlights of our walk was pausing on an old wooden bridge to watch the water flowing under our feet. Observing silently for an extended time, we noticed how often our view changed. We saw many different sizes and shapes of sticks floating by, along with various sizes and shapes of dried leaves. Occasionally, a piece of recently freed ice drifted into view as well. And between the multiple objects floating by, there were long stretches of crystal clear water.

Our experience reminded us of a concept we often teach people who are having trouble with experiencing anxious thoughts. And who among us doesn't struggle with anxious thoughts at times?

We teach that it is helpful to think of each of us having an "experiencing self" and an "observing self." When we experience anxious thoughts, as the phrase "experience anxious thoughts" makes evident, our experiencing self is having those thoughts and feelings. When we pause and notice that we have been having many worried thoughts, it is our observing self that is doing the noticing. Other examples might be when we see that we have been irritable and overly reactive. Or when we notice that we have been eating poorly when stressed. Or when we notice that we go shopping to take our mind off things troubling us. That is our observing self doing the noticing.

Returning to the scene of our watching the flow of the stream on our recent hike, that was our observing selves standing on the bridge and watching what went by. We were merely observing what was happening in front of us.

The flow of the stream can be compared to our experiencing selves, literally experiencing the flow of our thoughts and feelings and all that comes with that. Sometimes, there is lots of debris floating by; other times, the water is crystal clear.

Just as a person has no control over what floats by in the stream, we often have little control over what floats through our minds at any given time, nor what feelings come along. What we do have control over is our capacity to get up on the bridge, and to access our observing self. This is particularly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. If we can let ourselves adopt the perspective that these things will naturally float on by with time, and we needn't be swept along by them, we will feel in better control.

Here are some real-life examples of how this can help. A parent is exasperated by their teen and about to lose control. Instead of losing control, they realize that they need to call a time-out and tell their teen that they need to go for a walk to calm down. They can resume their conversation later. The parent has used their observing self to notice their experiencing self becoming overwhelmed. They then made an excellent call to calm the river of their emotions before continuing the conversation. The observing self helped the experiencing self gain perspective and calm down.

Imagine receiving an email or text message that irritates you. Your experiencing self may want to send an angry reply immediately. Fortunately, you can intentionally climb up on the bridge. Then you can have your observing self help you to make the decision to respond in a few hours, or even the next day, when you are not so emotionally flooded. Responding from your observing self will undoubtedly be much more productive.

Some practices we can use to strengthen our observing self include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or talking to a therapist. Strengthening our ability to step out of the river of thoughts and feelings and onto the bridge of the observing self is a sure way to enhance our personal wellness and the wellbeing of our relationships.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Balance As a Verb," Season 3, Episode 21

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

Balance As a Verb

The two of us recently had the opportunity to be guest presenters at classes on wellness coaching at the University of Wisconsin, here in the state capitol of Madison, where we live. We are honored to be working with the university to develop a student peer wellness coaching program that is partially based on the resources we have created.

One of the things we enjoyed discussing with the students last week was how hard it is to change habits. It became clear that this is not just true for those of us in the second half of life, but is equally valid for eighteen - to twenty-two-year-olds. In our discussions, the students shared how it's complicated because they realize that the very habits that have served them well, for example, regularly pushing themselves to work and perform to the point of exhaustion, are also habits they know sometimes compromise their wellbeing. They struggle with balancing the reward of achieving good grades and getting into good programs with how anxious and overwhelmed they sometimes feel. They kept saying that they were striving for balance but found it challenging, reporting that just when they start to feel more centered, some new challenges come their way.

The balance we seek varies throughout the life cycle. Like riding a bicycle, we never actually achieve perfect balance. As we talked with the students, we discussed how a regular practice of self-awareness helps all of us make the constant adjustments it takes to keep riding forward. And we discussed how this is true for their parents, professors, and everyone they know and have known, as it is a lifelong process for all of us. Several students shared the insight that it's easier to make small changes on an ongoing basis than to wait until a crisis forces them to change in a big way.

Later, as we talked with the students about their peer wellness coaching work, we shared with them that asking good questions is the most essential tool they will use. We explained how the person they are coaching is always the expert on their own lives and will intuitively know whatever changes they want or need to make. They will be the ones that know best if and when a change needs to be made.

They decided they liked the following question and would use it in their meetings with other students." Is there some change you already know of, something that, if you either did more of or less of, would enhance your wellbeing and balance right now? Can you share with me what that might be?" It's a great question not just for young people to be asking, but for all of us as well.

Asking ourselves, "What small change could I make right now to enhance my wellbeing?" is always a good start. Then listening and acting, on an ongoing basis, to the answers that come to mind, regarding all areas of our lives, will keep us pedaling down the road with a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Both Sides Now," Season 3, Episode 20

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

Both Sides Now

Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "

We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.

Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.

Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.

Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."

As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Growing Our Relationships," Season 3, Episode 19

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

Growing Our Relationships

Are you looking for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone special to you? Read on for a recommendation for a gift that will not cost you a penny but will require something else from you instead.

The quote in the box above, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional," from author John Maxwell, is one of our favorites. Maxwell writes leadership books, so it is natural that the wisdom of this quote is something he often applies to organizations and businesses. In honor of Valentine's Day approaching, though, we would like to reflect on its meaning as it pertains to love and relationships. 

All relationships change over time, as change is inevitable. This is true of every relationship we are a part of, whether they be with family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and, of course, romantic relationships. While every relationship experiences change over time, not all relationships experience growth. Why? Because, as the Maxwell quote says, growth is optional. 

Growth happens when people are committed to the ongoing emotional growth relationships require. Growth occurs when both people see conflict and challenging times as opportunities for growth in understanding each other and are willing to learn and use new communication and listening skills. Growth also occurs when we accept that from time to time relationships get stuck, and that it is wise to ask for help by seeking out a therapist, a coach, a course, or book.  

Our last column and podcast talked about how "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." This is so true when it comes to relationships. Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder that our relationships need attention and nurturing, not just at this time of year, but always.  

So, in addition to whatever cards or gifts we may give this Valentine's Day, let's consider that the greatest gift of all may be a renewed commitment to growing and tending our relationships.  

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

"Whatever We Pay Attention to Is What Will Grow," Season 3, Episode 18

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

Whatever We Pay Attention to Is What Will Grow

People across the United States have been experiencing extreme winter weather lately. There have been tornadoes, heavy rains, bitter cold, ice storms, strong winds, and record snow storms. We know this as we have been running Zoom Wellness Circles lately with people living through all of these different types of weather. We have people from VA, WI, NY, CA, NC, OR, FL, MD, and UT in one we are running now, and everyone is talking about the challenging weather they are experiencing this winter.

One group member shared the quote, "If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow." While this may seem a stretch if we are experiencing truly dangerous weather, we like the spirit of this quote. It fits with a quote that runs throughout our resources: "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow."

If we give most of our attention to our complaints (weather or otherwise) our negative energy will grow. If we pay attention to what we are grateful for, to what brings us joy (including road crews, utility workers, first responders, and others who help restore services after a storm), that will grow as well.

Here are some other examples of paying attention and the results we can get:

If we pay attention and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we pay attention to and appreciate someone's efforts to face a challenging situation, we may increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we really pay attention to some habit we want to change, we will be more likely to make that change.

If we pay attention to the kindness of another, by expressing our gratitude and appreciation, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we pay extra attention to someone we care about, we make them feel cared about, and we grow the relationship.

You can probably think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we pay attention to grows," and we encourage you to do so.

We also encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way, and to pay attention to something or someone in your life that you would like to enhance.

Give that part of your life more attention in the next few weeks and see what happens. Most likely, that area of your life will grow, no matter the weather.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

'F.A.I.L.," Season 3, Episode 17

(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

F.A.I.L.—A New Mindset

We have been taking Spanish lessons for the last several years. There has been progress occasionally, but more often than not, it has been an ongoing lesson in humility. And as it turns out, this might be the most important lesson of all.

One of the biggest obstacles we have had to overcome is our desire to quickly “get it right.” Just as we begin to feel comfortable with a new milestone we have achieved, we are humbled once again as we take on a new topic. We especially struggle with speaking Spanish, and our teacher always encourages us to become more comfortable with “saying it wrong.” She says there is no other way to learn than to stop being so self-conscious about making mistakes and to try again.

Early in our learning journey, when we felt like we were failing, our teacher encouraged us to think of the word “FAIL” as an acronym for “First Attempt in Learning.” That has helped tremendously. We repeat that acronym often and have learned to apply it to many areas of our lives.

This acronym may be timely for you if you have set resolutions for yourself in the new year. Perhaps you are struggling with feeling that you have already failed, and could benefit from instead thinking of something you have tried to change in the last few weeks as a first attempt in learning. 

One thing we all learn when we try to change an old habit or start a new one is that change is almost always more complex than we imagine. This is true for individual changes and changes within relationships, families, and organizations. Our first attempts rarely succeed if we define success as achieving the complete change we desire. If, however, we reframe our first (and second, third, and more) attempts as opportunities to learn, we can keep our momentum to change moving forward. 

At the first of the year the two of us set an intention of eating more vegetarian meals. We admittedly have been uneven in our consistency so far. What we have learned, though, is that our default habit is to cook meat-based meals, as we don’t yet have much of a repertoire of vegetarian entries. We have always eaten lots of vegetables as side dishes, but not so much as entries. So, based on what we are learning, we are now collecting and trying some new recipes. We are measuring our progress so far not in terms of success or failure, but as an attempt in learning.

How about you? What first attempts in learning are you experiencing in your life right now?

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass to receive weekly an email each week that announces when a new podcast episode has been released and also includes a transcription of the episode for those who prefer to read instead of listen. Each episode is designed to help you for navigate your week ahead with clear attention and intention.

ABOUT THE CREATORS:

Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT,  are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.

Sign up for Your Weekly Wellness Compass, our written column, to receive weekly guidance for navigating your week ahead with clear attention and intention.